Loneliness

I sit here in my room on this cold sunday afternoon... The time now is 2:36 pm... Got nothing too do so I'm blogging because it's the only place where I can be who I really am and not what other people want me to be...

Is it possible to have everything going for you in your life and still be lonely? Hell yes! I am 20 and I have a wonderful family, friend, a successful job, I'm healthy.. But why am I so lonely... Everyday is an uphill battle of depression, anxiety and all that jazz. I'm quiet because I don't have anyone to talk to or well thats how it feels for me. The reason I probably feel like I have no one to talk to is because I have this fear of being judged constantly. I have been judged throughout my whole primary school, high school, college, and work carreer... When does one say STOP! ENOUGH ALREADY!

In a way I am responsible for the way my life is going. It's me that allow people to judge me etc.

I just want to get behind this loneliness crap because it's taking over my life and it is responsible for all the crap that I have in my life...

I am a nice guy yes but 90% of the stuff I do I don't do because I want to. I do it to get attention...

Two weeks ago I tried to commit suicide... Was the lowest point in my life... My mother found out I was gay... She didn't speak to me and I basically felt abandoned which is not a nice feeling... I went to my room that evening and took pills... More than enough that could kill me that evening... I woke up the next morning in the hospital with the whole family around me... I was alive! How could it be? I had everything worked out and me waking up in the hospital was the last thing to happen... Guess I have some purpose on this earth after all...

I know that commiting suicide is the most selfish thing that one human being can do but when there is no other way out then what does one do? What do you do when you don't see the point in living anymore?

Daily I go through my life... Not getting noticed and I feel like I am invisible to the rest of the world...

Loneliness is probably one of the biggest struggles of my everyday life...