Who am I?

Who am I?

What makes me happy?

What makes me sad?

What makes me tick?

What are my values?

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

Am I fucked up?

Am I lonely?

Am I me or what people want me to be?

Am I?

Memories...

I'm gonna make you bend and break because it sent you to me without wings. Say a prayer, but let the good times roll. In case God doesn't show you should let the good times roll. And I want these words to make things right but it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life. Who does he think he is. If that's the worst you got better put your fingers back to the keys.

One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great. He tastes like you only sweeter. Been looking forward to the future. But my eyesight is going bad. And this crystal ball is always cloudy except when you look into the past. One night stand, one night stands out!

Trying to push the past away. Still waiting for the lights to change. Try for the sake of it. Learning to barely feel the pain, strain, and though it's really hurting I'm not breaking. Bones have to grow, and age it shows. Though we try and hide it we can't.

At The Office...

At the office... Tired as hell... That's what happens when you kind of forget that you are working the following day and stay up till late..

10:47 on Monday Evening...

I sit here on the end of my bed typing this blog. Listening to Us against the world from Westlife. Stunning song.

There will be days when were on different side but that won't last long...
sometimes I feel like I can't keep it together, then you hold me close and make it better. When I'm with you I feel unbreakable.

How was this weekend for me? In all honesty it wasn't bad... It wasn't bad at all... Went shopping with one of my friends on Saturday and had a blast. Had to get out of the house. My bedroom walls were driving me crazy because that is where I spend most of my evenings.

One of me and Rihana's favourite songs are Relax by Mika. Awesome song that is... It her and my song.. You just got to love it.

I sit here not being able to think. Pills I am taking at the moment is sort of clouding my mind and that is why my last few blogs has been absolutaley shit in all honesty. Can't think properly...

First I get hot and then I get freezing cold. My back is killing me slowely but surely - probably because of my bad posture. Ayesha has told me about this but do you think I listen? Nope... Francois knows better or so I think...

On Saturday I phoned nearly everyone on my phonebook. There was 2 reasons behind those phonecalls.

1) To say "Hello and how are you doing?" to my friends.

2) and an indirect "Fuck you!" to the rest.

Watched movies on Saturday..... Interesting evening Saturday... Don't ask me to elaborate... It was just interesting...

"SO SO SO SCANDALOUS"

What more can I elaborate on... Alot happned this weekend... Saw my ex this weekend... Wasn't that fun. Lets just say the poor man realised what he lost... I looked hot even if I must say it myself...

"A LITTLE CONVERSATION GOES A LONG WAY, A ONE NIGHT STAND JUST AIN'T ENOUGH"

So true... Don't do one night stands in the first place... Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of it. Was sitting tonight on the porch looking up at the sky. Cold as hell but it looked so beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. Just a clear sky...

"STOP AND STARE"

When one just sits back and put everything in perspective you will realise that maybe you overreacted the one time. Maybe you were acting like a little spoilt brat when it really wasn't necessary.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of me. It's time to make my move, I'm shakin off the rust. I've got my heart set on anywhere but here. I'm staring down myself, counting up the years. Steady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing me. Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"ITS A GOOD THING TEARS NEVER SHOW IN THE POURING RAIN"

Never make promises you can't keep. If you don't like someone or if you don't like something that someone is doing then tell them. Don't just keep your mouth shut. Keeping your mouth shut will just frustrate you more until you can't take it anymore and then blow up at the wrong person and trust me when I say that you don't want that to happen. Some people might want you to keep your mouth shut but live your life. Just wish that everyone could be themselves and not what other people want them to be. So little people in Cape Town are what I call "real people". It's all about the look, what you drive, what you wear, where you live. Can't people just accept you for who you are.

"THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENSIONS"

We all have a song... The song... It makes you want to get up and shake your booty all night long. I have a couple... More than enough actually but at the moment it has to be Madonna's new song called 4 minutes to save the world.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of usIt's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rustI've got my heart set on anywhere but hereI'm staring down myself, counting up the yearsSteady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing meTime to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"WATCH ME COME UNDONE"

In how many different ways can you tell a person that you like them? Tell them that you are actually interested in them... I don't know... Let's just say that I have tried everything... Maybe I'm just not good at playing the game.. Who cares? Not me.. I'm not in Cape Town to play silly little games. I'm here with a plan. One that is well on it's way and no one will intefere with it. Not even the men of Cape Town. Most of the men in Cape Town are a bunch of wankers in any case.
There is a handfull left but they are so hard to find... I think I chat to like the last couple of them left.

"RING THE ALARM, I HAVE BEEN TROUGHT THIS FOR TOO LONG"

The song that opens Romeo & Juliet is amazing... "Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene from ancient grudge lay to new mutiny. Where civil blood make civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal lines from these two foes. A pair of star crossed lovers take their lifes".... Doesn't that just make you want to say "NUT CASE!!!"

Should have been stronger, I lied. Nobody gets me right. Couldn't hold of you then. How was I supposed to know what you meant. I know everything changes. Can we bring yesterday back around. I was dumb, I was young, I was wrong. I let alot of people down.

"FOR ALL THESE TIMES"

When your sitting there it's hard for me to walk away. Distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away. I try to find the words that I can say. I can't lie. When I leave my heart turns gray. I want to come back home to see your face tonight. Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me. When you call my heart stops beating and when your gone it won't stop bleeding...

It's My Life

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

Well Well Well..... How do I put this....

I think the flag should say enough........ Gone with the old, fucked up and corrupt.... in with the British... So looking forward..

Sorry people but I am not proudly South African... In this country the is nothing to be proud about... Probably only my friends and family but that's about it... I will miss them all but I got to move on to greener pastures...

So when is this happening.... Well going in June/July for first time and if all goes well I will be moving there December...

Us Against The World...

A song for you... You know who you are.... You came into my life at the right time....

You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like
The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby T
That's what saves me
When we're together
I feel so invincible

Cause it's us against the world
You and me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

There’ll be days
We’ll be on different sides but
That doesn’t last too long
We find ways to get it on track
And know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel I can’t keep it together
Then you hold me close
And you make it better
When I’m with you I can feel so unbreakable

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right...

Things that won't get you very far with me....

1) If you send me dick pics...

2) If you only talk about sex...

3) If you can't have an interesting conversation that requires my brain to work at least every 5 minutes...

4) If the only thing you can talk about is gym...

5) If you do drugs...

6) If your a drunk/alcoholic...

7) If you spend every fucking Wednesday, Friday and Saturday in a club. It's good to be home once in a while.. The world won't end if you don't go...

I have a five minute rule... In that 5 minutes I can see exactly where things are going and what your intentions are...

Uhm...

Well.... uhm.... uhm.....

I have nothing to blog about...

In short. Day was perfect. Life is heading in the right direction... Mood is perfect for a change.... Was about to say that I am perfect but then I would be vein...

Cheers for now...

Sorry for short blog...

Looking back at the past - A conversation that started at the office

Just came back from the office and has the most interesting conversation with the one girl at the office. At first I didn't know what do expect because I was sitting outside smoking and minding my own business but then we got talking about me and me being gay and all the things that goes hand in hand with it. Actually a very good conversation - I really enjoyed it. It lasted for 30 minutes I think. Can't remember exactly how long we were talking. I came to realise the amazing similarities that there are between gay men and straight men. Yes shoot me for being blonde but I honestly thought there was huge differences.

Anyway the reason for this blog is that the conversation dealth with how one must deal with the past and be thankfull for the lessons that you have learnt from past experiences. On my way home I began to think (I'm seriously beginning to wonder if it's a good thing). I began to think of the four men that probably took me the longest to get over but also the four that I learned the most from considering what happened.

First there is Carl - A good guy and my first boyfriend. A bit of a smart-ass and a know-it-all but good. At first we had alot in common but near the end of our relationship I began to realise more and more differences. The reason for our break-up was not our differences but rather a mixture of a lot of things. What I learnt from Carl was not to be afraid to do stuff. Doesn't seem like much but ya. Certainly is alot for me.

Then there was Stephan - I really don't know where to begin with him. Amazing, Amazing, Amazing guy. I learned so much from him in the short time that I saw him that it's not even funny. Stephan taught me how to look at myself in a different light. Not a negative one but a positive one. He also taught me that you only live once so never regret what your going to do. No matter how fucked up it seems at that time, you got to do it. If you don't do it then you will never know how it feels. I did some pretty hectic stuff with this guy - none of which I regret anymore. He also made me realise how easy influencible I am and how small my heart is. Dont get me wrong. Me typing of how easy influencible I am doesn't mean he influenced me in a wrong way. He actually set the wheels in motion when it came to me changing myself and my whole outlook on life etc...

Warren - Another guy who I totally fucked things up with as friends. What I learnt from him was to give people the chance to explain themselves and not to jump to my own conclusions as I always did in the past. When I actually gave him chance to explain what really happned I felt crappy. Although it doesn't make up for what he did I still felt crap for not giving him time to explain.

Dion - Where do I begin with Dion? I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. What Dion taught me was never to put much faith in one thing because it only leads to dissappointment.

This is just SOME of the lessons that I learnt from these men. This is most certainly not the only lessons I learnt from them but it was most definately the hardest lessons to learn and that is why I mentioned them in this blog.

Love in this club...

I found a song online and I listened to the song because it had a different beat and all that. When I eventually got over the beat I started listening to the lyrics... My GAWD those lyrics are quite raunchy for a song...

I’m what you want, I’m what you need. He got you trapped, I’ll set you free. Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me. It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries. And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me. About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R. Pulled up like a trap star,. That's if you have yo regular car. You wanna make love to a thug in the club. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go make love in this club.

Who writes this stuff. The amazing this is that this actually happens in the clubs where I have been to. I haven't done it and I don't intend on doing so but ya. I have seen it...

I'm Fine.....

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at this time in my life and I ain't worried about if you feel it because I got my head on straight, I got my mind right. I aint gonna let you kill it because you see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine.

Something about nothing....

Let me tell you something about nothing.............................

Can you tell me what makes you happy? Seeing your dog wave his/her tail when she sees you for the first time each morning. Maybe it's that first cigarette in the morning. Could be a cup of coffee on a cold winters morning. The answers are endless. You must just find what makes you happy. Really not that hard to find out. I used to love to read but I have read most of the interesting books out there.

What boggles me is this.... Why did it take me so long to be happy? 20 years of my life I searched for my happiness with other people instead of just looking inside myself....

I'm the only one that can make me happy - no one else. Everyone just adds to me being a happy person. I am in contact with at least 200 people during the day. Whether it's now a client, employees, family, friends, facebook friends, gaydar, SMS, MXit, MSN, Skype, phone calls... Do these people I am in contact with everyday contribute to my mood.... Hell yes they do...

I think I am becoming more of a people person. God only knows if this is a good or bad thing...

Truth is there is more than what you can see

..... and out with the anger

I couldn´t give a damn what you said to me. I don't really care what you think of me. Because either way you're going to think what you believe. There's nothing you could say that would hurt me. I'm better off without you anyway. I thought it would be hard but I'm ok. I don't need you if you're gonna be that way. Because with me, it's all or nothing. I'm sick of this shit, don't deny. You're a waste of time. I'm sick of this shit, don't ask why. I hate you now, so go away from me. You're gone, so longI can do better.

I just wanna scream and lose control. Throw my hands up and let it go. Forget about everything and runaway. I just wanna fall and lose myself. Laughing so hard it hurts like hell. Forget about everything and runaway yeah.

I got to just freak out, let it go and I'm gonna live my life because I can't ever run and hide, I won't compromise because I'll never know. I'm gonna close my eyes! I can't watch the time go by and I won't keep it inside.

My friends tried to tell me all along that you weren't the right one for me. My friends tried to tell me to be strong, I bet you didn't think that I would see. The letter that you wrote with that stupid little notes. Something wasn't quite right about it! I wanna see you cry! Like I did a thousand times! Now you're losing me you're losing me now!!!

*and breathe*

.... and the past comes to bite me in the ass

Am I being tested today? Is temptation lurking in the background and trying to make me fall off this narrow bridge I am on?

Hell yeah!

People from my past are all of a sudden reappearing and trying to find some way to get back in. Just when I finally forgot about them they just reappear out of thin air and make their prescence felt. Should I give them another chance? A part of me says yes but then another part tell me to think about what they have done.. I also thought about it and has any good come out of getting involved with these people and no. No good has come out of hanging with these people.. Will I give them another chance? Only time will tell...

So happy today... Don't ask me why. I am always this morbid person but since Saturday I found that I am unbelievably happy. The people you surround yourself with reflects who you are going to end up being. I intend on surrounding myself with people who will bring out the positive in me and not just the negative. It's good being naughty every once in a while BUT everything in moderation.

Nothing can bring me down baby! Not today! Not ever!

Cubana - Saturday

Pics from Cubana on Saturday.................. Not goint to say alot... As they say. A picture speaks a thousand words.....

Lisa, Ayesha and Rihana... My three favourite woman in the world (my faghags) ......
Me... Can't remember what I was thinking when this picture was taken.... O ya... I do... Who's the hotty taking the picture... Love you Ayesha...

I'm NOT sleeping... Just recovering from what they call Tequila....

And there you go... Caught in the act... Me after taking a tequila shot

Watcha looking at?

The other developers................ Louis' a cool guy....

I'm so fucked............

Picking up the pieces.......

You may break me, you may tear me apart, you can say what you want to me but just know one thing. What you do to me reflects who you are as a person. Someone is going to hurt you alot more than you hurt me.

You may fuck me over. Like they say... "Fuck me once - shame on me, Fuck me twice - shame on you". Wait till life starts to fuck with you... Hope you can handle it.

You may take me for a ride but when life takes you for a ride just remember to put on the safety belt because you will be in for one heck of a ride...

Go take some other sucker for a ride because your done with me. Just let me live in peace and pick up the pieces while I rediscover who I really am.

Took me a while to realise this but being single isn't that bad. For too long I let my happiness depend on other people. I kinda lost myself in the whole process but that is about to change. If I can't make myself happy then I will never be happy.

Today is a new day with new challenges... This day is what I make of it... Will it be a success? HELL YES!

If Your Gonna'

I got a short attention span
Can't sit around couch potato land
I wanna do all kinds of stuff
Talking about it's not enough
I wanna go to the extreme
I wanna stretch my limousine
I wanna take it way off road
Go where I'm not supposed to go

Life is music, play it louder

If you're gonna jump, then jump far, fly like a sky diver
If you're gonna be a singer, then u better be a rockstar
If you're gonna be a driver, then u better drive a race car
Cause I'm looking for a guard dog, not buying a chihuahua

I like my food with chili in
I like to laugh til its hurtin
I wanna stare fear in the face
I wanna take it all the way

If you're gonna jump, then jump far,
Just skip the umm and ahh,
If you're gonna hit the high notes, you gotta be a diva
If you're gonna play a guitar, you gotta play til you blister
Cause I'm looking for a guard dog not buying a chihuahua

No half-baked apples for my tea
It's hot or cold no in between

My Declaration of Independence

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
Cause I'm happy where I am
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
I don't need to be anyone's baby
Is that so hard to understand?
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in reascendant

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
I like who I am
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cause I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cause you say I should
Can't romance on demand
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
And I like it this way

Make your move or don't
You either got it or you don't
Until then I'm single

.... they brought me to you

Just took a break from working and when I switched on the TV and The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants were playing. I know I am a guy and all that but that is one of the most realistic and emotionally satisfying movies that I have ever seen.

I have never cried so much during one movie like I did in that movie. I can relate to alot if not all the things that happen in that movie. A part in the movies that really hit me was the part where the one girl sits next to the one little girl that has lukeumia and tells her that the pants must work their magic. The little girls then looks at the girl sitting next to her and says: "They have worked their magic. They brought you to me..."

When that little girl said that I cried my little heart out... I am a very hard and emotionless person at times but when I do break down and cry you must know that either something is very wrong or something like that which happened in the movie happned to me.

I'm actually a big softie. I just have a hard and serious exterior. Deep down inside I am ordinary. Not the strong person with the big mouth that I pretend to be. In all honesty. I am such a shy person it's not even a joke. Over the phone and on MSN I have a big mouth and all that because the person I'm chatting to is not infront of me. But let me tell you this. Should that person be infront of me I would most probably only be sitting with a "bek vol tande".

I worry too much about what people think. I tend to be someone which everyone will like. At the end of the day you can't please everyone. That's why I will be myself from now. If you like me - good. If you don't - 2 words (fuck off).

I'm done pleasing people and being what they want me to be. I'm done with people taking advantage of me. From now on I'm going to be me.

Who am I?
Well I am Francois Botha. Born in Bloemfontein on the 4th of July 1987. Grew up in Cape town. I went to primary and high school in Bellville. Studied Information Systems: Software Development and I am currently working for a company in Rondebosch.

What makes me, me?
What makes me, me or what makes me tick is that I don't sit back and let life happen to me. I make life happen. I am a go-getter. Always want to learn new things. Meet new people. Explore the city (been highly unsuccessful thus far)... I have a unique sense of humour. To give you an idea of how unique my sense of humour is... Only 3 people get what I say when I make a joke.

What makes me different from the rest?
My ability to sum a person up in 5 minutes and know exactly what their intentions are with me.
I listen to people. I love to debate. If I believe something is right I will argue and try to get that point across by any means. I have a strong personality which often makes me clash with people at the office, house and in my personal life. I do what I want and don't like people telling me what to do.

Biggest regret/s in life?
1) Staying in a relationship even though it made me depressed
2) Studying what I studied.
3) Not listening to people
4) Being selfish
5) Not trusting people enough

Tips for future Mr Potential:
1) Be yourself
2) Be honest
3) Treat me with respect and you shall receive the same

That is the only requests from me...

Goals for this year and the future?
1) To get a degree in something other than IT
2) To re-discover who I am
3) To put myself first
4) Try and get out of Cape Town... Even if it is for a week..
5) Be happy
6) Be more considerate of other people

________________________________________________

Should you have any other questions that you would like me to answer the please forward them to me: botha.francois618@live.com

Regret...

Well it's Sunday and the time now is 12:51 in the morning.

I sit here thinking about all the wrongs that I have done in my life. I have more than enough to regret.

One of my biggest regrets so far in my life is something that I keep doing over and over and that is not to listen to people when they try to explain to me why they did something. I always jump to my own conclusions without giving them the benefit of the doubt and to actually listen to what they have to say.

On a previous blog called "To whom it may concern" I was being unreasonable with a guy who is actually a very nice guy. I didn't even ask him once what really happned. I just blew up at him for lying to me.

The reason I type this blog is for the simple reason that today and most probably for the rest of my life I will have to live with the regret of not giving people time to explain themselves and then I end up telling them to fuck off - not because I want to, but because I am so furious and angry at that point and time.

Last night I had one of the best times of my life. I ended up being drunk but I enjoyed myself. At the same time I have the feeling that I fucked up what could have possibly been something great. This time it was my fault and not the other persons fault. I don't know what it is with me and always trying to impress people. At the end of the day I just end up making a fool out of myself. That is probably the reason why I am still single because I know people won't accept me for who I am so I just pretend to be someone else.

I do regret it. In fact I regret doing most of the stupid things that I have done in my life.

Fine I am being hard on myself but if no one is going to be hard on me then I have to be hard on myself. I just need to give people time to explain themselves to me and listen.

I spoke to a close friend and told him that my worst quality is not to listen to people and then he asked what my best quality is. Odd and contradicting as it might sound my best quality is to listen to people.

Come to think of it... "The One", the person that we all search for, has come into my life and I'm not going to elaborate on where and when but that also ended in a big fuck up for the simple reason that I don't listen to what people have to say.

In this next couple of weeks I will spend most of my time apologizing to the people that tried to explain what happned... Think it's time I let go of the past for good. I dwell to much in the past...

Scream

Scream, at the top of your lungs, everybody's feeling right

Thank You...

Looking back. How did I get here? Chasing circles. Never thought so near. I’ m shaded by the red. Now I want you. I walk this way in my dreams slowly. Far away. Your distant light’ s on me. Im shaded by the red.

Never thought you knew me. Never thought of you with me. Always fighting in the dark before
never got to tell you "I don't know what I mean to you". No need to explain anymore.

But I want to say: The fights, those nights. I tried to pretend it don't hurt. The way, I prayed. Someday that you would love me. Really, completely. Just how I wanted it to be. But no, so wrong. Can't believe I stayed with you so long. For every last bruise you gave me. For every time I sat in tears. For the million ways you hurt me. I just wanna tell you this. You broke my world, made me strong. Thank you.

Messed up my dreams, made me strong. My head, near dead. Just the way you wanted it. My soul, stone cold. 'Cos I was under you're control. So young, so dumb. Knew just how to make me succumb. But I understand. To make yourself feel like a man.

You hit, you spit, you split, every bit of me, yeah. You stole, you broke, you're cold. You're such a joke to me. For every last bruise you gave me. For every time I sat in tears. For the million ways you hurt me. I just wanna tell you this. You broke my world, made me strong. Thank you. Messed up my dreams, made me strong. Thank you

Im so over you, you have no idea.............. *SNAP* Leaves stage gracefully and with my head held high

Enough

When is enough really enough?

When does one let go and say "I'm done. I have had enough"?

Is giving your all really enough?

Is love really enough?

When do you say "Enough"?

When one has had enough, should you let go?

Is there enough love in the world to go around?

Coding for dummies

public void mood (string mood_type)
{
if (mood_type == "happy")
{
return smile;
}
else if (mood_type == "sad")
{
return tears;
}
else
{
return depression;
}
}

public static void()
{
string mood_type = "";

string question = "how are you doing today?";

input mood_type;

mood(mood_type)

print mood.toUpper();
}


------------------------------------------------------------

Your moodtype is HAPPY

I'm Done... No More

Call me self centered or call me a drama queen. In fact you can call me what you want - I don't care... Well not anymore at least...

I sit in my room like always thinking and it's exactly 37 minutes after I had my 3rd emotional breakdown...

Warren - responsible for me hating CPT men

Dean (from Facebook) - only interested in sex (such a turn off)

Munier - for thinking that I am cheap enough to have a 3sum with him and his bf.

Tauriq - telling me to go kill myself

Gavin - making me feel cheap

Carl - enough said

I would just like to take this time to thank you all for all of the shit that you have caused me and all the pain that you have caused me...

At the end of the day it's your loss and not mine... You all have no idea how much you have hurted me and the amount of pain you have caused me.... Well like they say... What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger...

Somewhere out there, there is a person that will accept me for who I am because clearly all of you had a vision of me which wasn't what you expected in the end...

I'm ridding myself of you all because as long as I have you in my life I will never be happy...

I have spend more than enough time crying over you....... I'm done. It's time I live for myself and look out for myself and put myself first. I have neglected myself for way too long.... The moment you become dependant on people then your heading for a downward spiral. I'm depending on no one no more. The only person I can depend and rely on is myself

I'm so obsessed with the negative people that I completely forget about all the wonderfull people that has helped me in all kind of ways over the past time... Here they are... Dont know how long this list will get though...

Parents
Brothers & Sister
Elecia
Rihana
Ayesha
Lisa
Penny
Ayesha I
Jean
Seamus
John
Joe
Louis (not the one from the office)
Rene
Andre
Dave
Jacob
Matt
Henk
Brian
Peter
Simon (not the one from work)
Gavin

Thank you guys and girls for all your support... Come to think of it... I have more positive people in my life than negative... Fuck.... How could I ever be so stupid to think that I have no one...
__________________________________________________________


Favourite Song Quotes of All Time.....................

"...the road to Hell is paved with good intentions..."


"Well if I die tonight, at least I can say I did what I wanted to do...."


"I got my vibe right... Ain't gonna let u kill it... See I won't change my life coz it's just fine, fine, fine..."


"stepping out and looking my best... looking hotter than ever... wherever the party is at.. I will be there in a second"

"It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain"


"I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've become..."

Damaged

Do you got a first aid kit handy

Do you know how to patch up a wound

Tell me, are you patient, understanding?

Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I

I've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

Baby, this situation's driving me crazy

And I really wanna be your man

But the one before you left me so

Damaged

I thought that I should let you know

That my heart is Damaged

So Damaged

And you can blame the one before

You try to gain my trust

Talking is not enough

Actions speak louder than words

You gotta show me something

My heart is missing some pieces

I need this puzzle put together again

Back to gym..........................

I have decided that I will be making use of my gym membership.... Took a picture this morning and I was horrified by what I saw.... I will drag myself back to the gym and tone this mother fucker of a thing I call my body.......

Maybe I will feel happier and more relaxed once I start going again................. Guess we will have to wait and see about that.... Next week people... Will be keeping you posted on my progress....

Smoking Kills.............

Well first I looked like this - 10 cigarettes a day...............

Then 10 became 15 and I looked like this.................Then 20 a day........... 20 minutes before I had a mental breakdown.....

Recovered from it... Or so I thought......... 30 a day.................... It keeps getting better38 a day............ and I started rebelling for the 10th time.....................

I don't know how much I smoke a day now.... Don't count anymore.......

Enough said.... I rest my case...

PLEASE NOTE: THESE PICTURES WERE TAKEN OVER THE COURSE OF 6 MONTHS

The Best You Never Had

I was so in love with you
There was nothing I could do
Wouldn't give me the time of day
Now you wanna be with me
You say you wanna be with me
You said I was the best
Gave your love out the rest
There was nothing I could say
It's going good for me
You say you wanna be with me
Now
Yeah you're telling me that
I am were it's at
But I ain't having none of that....

Because I told you, you would look to regret it,
and now I don't wanna make you feel bad,
But when it comes to me just forget it,
I'll be the best you never had,
You put me through so many emotions,
Now baby it's your turn for that,
'cause in your empty heart I left a mark,
The best you never had.
No, No, No

You saw me as a friend,
Baby I don't want revenge,
But if you must know the truth,
What you didn't see in me
Reflects what you will never be now,
When you're telling me I was always the one,
I feel your desperation.

Back rubs, good love, my stuff
That's what you missed out on
My touch... show much we could have
You miss,My kiss,My lips,
The love I had for you
Our song, so long
Well I will always be the best you never had
The best you never had

My Crew........... Well Almost.......

These are the women in my life (see top and bottom) .... At the office at least...

We are VERY close group at the office and share absolutaley everything with each other (so ya... If I like/liked you or if you hurt me in any way then they know)

Any man that whishes to date me must get through these two first and believe me when I say that they have standards....

We look out for each other... We roll together... Live free... Die Hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol

PS.... If you fuck with one of us then you fuck with all of us

Reviewing the day (even though it just started)

Well here I sit once again... At the office... Thinking... Wondering if it a good thing for me to think so much... My brain tends to run away with me when I think...

What I am thinking now is everyone's search for perfection or that someone perfect which will sweep them off their feet. Unfortunately up until now I have been hugely dissapointed in my quest for the perfect one...

Got out of a 6 month relationship. Almost immediately after that I almost entered another which just let to major dissapointment... In relationships and flings and potential friendships you only really get to know the real person after 4 months. The first few months everything seems great because your in love or whatever and it seems like your on cloud 9. Wait till you get dragged down to cloud 0 which is Earth....

My fellow blog reader that is when the shit starts to hit the fan... You realise things about your partner/friend that now all of a sudden irritates the living shit out of you. You constantly fight over bullshit... You look for reasons not to see the other person... They suspect your lying which your not and then things just spiral out of control...

In all honesty - there is no such thing as perfection. You think you might find it when you search for it but all you will find at the end of the road is someone that is normal just like the rest of us who will accept you for who you are and not someone/something that they want you too be... I know that is what I want - someone to accept me for me - but there are honestly not that many men left in Cape Town who see this the same way as I do. It's all about the looks for the most men in Cape Town...

I know this doesn't make sence because in all honesty... It doesn't make sence to myself either... Guess the picture that I have in my head is much more clearer than the one I tried to make or the words that I tried to type....

But this blog post is about reviewing the day.... Well how was my day so far? Quite good actually... We decided at the office that we are all going to Cubana on Saturday again and I smoked like 14 cigarettes today already... Not good I know but hey.... Rather smoke that be dissapointed right?

When was the last I actually really kissed someone? O god... Lemme think
.......................................................................................................................................................

30 days people.......................

Untitled...

I sit here in my room... Time now is 8:38pm in the evening... Don't know what to think but I will find something to type about...

Well here is an interesting topic to talk about and I believe I have talked about this before but only this time I will share more... You guys/girls will read about me in a different light... The type people seldom see...

Here goes...

I suffer from manic depression which basically means when I'm not on medication I get sad/lonely/depressed which leads to me attempting to commit suicide. I have been unsucessfull the past 8 times so there must be a reason I am still alive..

Well how do they treat it? My question exactly... They tend to think that Trepeline in the evening and a Prozac in the evening will make me happy and make me forget about my problems... It does make the world a little bit better to deal with BUT it doesn't make it better. It just numbs you so that you don't care anymore...

I have been to people but what they say and tell me I have done and tried already. All they do at the end of the day is just make things worse... Not better as ones parents might think...

By now you must think "A 20 year old suffering from manic depression - What a joke!". I wish it was a joke but in all honesty it's not a joke. It's reality..

Now put yourself in my shoes... You down the whole day - day in and day out. Then people come along and they drag you down. All you want is to be happy but the moment you think something good is going to come then life throws you a curve ball which just knocks you off your feet and then your down again.

I can in all honesty keep on writing about this but I won't. Just thought I'd share some REAL LIFE with you people....

Change

If I could hold you close
Like you were never gone
If I could hear your voice
You'd tell me to be strong
But sometimes I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change

If I could get to you
I'd be there in a minute
My world don't make no sense
Not without you in it
And sometimes I just cry
Can't say I don't know why

Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again

Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand Change
You don't see it coming Change

When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you and break you too
You'd just have to make it through
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again

Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand Change

Acting on impulses....

Well Sunday was eventfull... Alot of things happned on Sunday... Some of which I liked and some which I didn't like so muc... Take the pic above.... That is me after I took a hair iron to my head and attempted to straightned my hair..... I got tired of that look because I don't have an hour everyday just to get my hair straight... Then I remembered that we had clippers in our house.... After searching for about an hour I finally found it and probably did one of the stupidest thing I could ever do and it was entirely in impulse.... I cut my own hair.... I did a Britney people... No, I am not insane although it sometimes feel like I am.... Anyway the pic is below...

My new look... For now at least..... God only knows what I will do next to my hair... Might go blonde... Guess we will have to see about that...

Let's Backtrack

Gone is Facebook Back on there
Gone is GayDar and here
Gone is ManHunt
Gone is FaceSpin
Gone is GTalk and here
Gone is Yahoo Chat and here

No more being depressed about silly little men who can't decide who they want... At least I can say what I want and I'm not afraid too just let life happen....

Gone with the past......

Gone is Facebook
Gone is GayDar
Gone is ManHunt
Gone is FaceSpin
Gone is GTalk
Gone is Yahoo Chat

Extreme some may say... But when one person hurts you so much it's not extreme... It's necessary........

To Whom it May Concern

Hi,

I chatted to you, I really liked you. Thought that things could work out but hey - guess I was wrong.

You talked to me about karma and how it comes back to bite you in the ass. Well karma has happned to me every single day in this week. 4 out of the 7 days is was you!

You must know that there are four things that I despise and hate and they are:

• Lying


• Cheating


• Drugs


• Alcohol

Short list so it shouldn't be too hard to memorise.

I got messages from you telling me that we should meet. I go to where we said we will meet and then you don't pitch. I SMS you. You don't reply. Finally get a reply telling me that your with your family. Fine I accept it because I mean it's your family... I move on with the rest of my day...

Tonight we chat... You tell me that the night prior to the day that we were supposed to meet you got drunk and don't recall SMS'ing me and telling me we should meet. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!

1) You get drunk

2) You SMS me and don't recall it

3) You lie to me about being with your family

Call me childish or whatever but WHAT THE FUCK!!! How low can you get... Never in my fucking life have I ever come across something or shall I say someone that has ever done that to me.

Thank you for making me insecure again. Thank you for destroying the little faith I had in the men from South Africa. Thank you for misusing my trust. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for confining me to my four bedroom walls again...

Just remember one thing that you told me tonight... Karma....

The day after...........

How do I put last night into words........ Well I can't... I can just tell what happned last night and I will be very brief....

My friends - true friends might I add - rang me up and told me that they want to go out....

We started at Cubana in Cape Town..... Made our way to Bronx.... Then the Beuhla Bar..... Then Hemisphere........ Then club Velvet in Camps Bay..... All in a matter of 7 hours.........

Enjoyed the night alot.... They learned alot about me and my culture being a gay man and they absolutaley love it......

Got home at about 4 and went to sleep.... Woke up at 12 and then started today which hasn't been that eventfull.... Just catching up with people from the PAST.....

That's it for now...........

Recipe for Disaster

First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion!
Jealosy! Anger! Betrayel!
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust.
Without trust,.
There is no love!
Jealosy...
Yes, jealosy...
Will drive you MAD!!!

Division

You chose to surrender
the best thing that's happened to you
What were you missing?
Were you just tripping?
Running away from your fear
was the best you could do
You made this decision
You chose our division


And I have no regrets
I wish you the very best
In all that you do


Congratulations
Now you are free
You have earned your degree
Yeah, you graduated
This is your last separation from me
There'll be no more trying again
No more coming back
No more forgiving you
No more thinking that somehow the sum will be different
By using Division


Half of your friends would attend before they ever knew
Why they are going
To this party I'm throwing
They would be thinking that I would be pleading to you
To get back together
Well how about never?


You're gonna miss me, bad
So funny I had to laugh
You did this to you
Yeah you did


Congratulations
Now you are free
You have earned your degree
Yeah, you graduated
This is your last separation from me
There'll be no more trying again
No more coming back
No more forgiving you
No more thinking that some
how the sum will be different
By using Division


Congratulations
You've graduated
You finally got your degree
in your last separation from me
Congratulations
You've graduated
To being alone by yourself
Let me throw you a party, farewell
Farewell, farewell, farewell, farewell well well well ...


Congratulations, yeah yeah yeah

Well.... It's weekend... YAY!!!!

The date is 11 April 2008, the time 5:24pm and my mood is good....

I actually look forward to this weekend... Don't know why because I will be working for the better part of the weekend.

This week started out good. Had a shitty middle and an amazing end...

Listening to the song Somewhere Over The Rainbow and the following lyrics just grabbed my attention:

"Somewhere over the rainbow. Bluebirds flyBirds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can't I? Some day I'll wish upon a star. And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemondrops. Away above the chimney topsThat's where you'll find me"

Enjoy your weekend as I intend on enjoying mine........

The Whore Test....

Oh My God... I just did a whore test and I got a c+.... The better you score the worse you are... I know it's bad and nothing I say will ever suffice for what I have done but hey... I enjoy life... You only live once... As long as you do it responsibly...

Questions are below... Feel free to take the test.... By the way... I scored 675... Please note that I am not promiscious... Some of these this or most of them I did with the same partner...

Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
Had sex with someone you met on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$ 10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk HIGH at work, or went to work while still drunk HIGH-- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk & HIGH, passed out and don't remember the night before --$20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
Performed oral sex -- $5
Received oral sex-- $5
Done/got oral sex in a car while it was moving-- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 --$25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Gone............

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.