Never Again

Two words have never stuck by me so much than those two have but why they have stuck to me is another reason. Am even getting a tattoo with those exact words on my wrist. So why is it that these two words have such significant meaning to me and what is it all about ... Let me list most of my “Never Again”;

Never Again will I allow myself to underestimate my self-worth for now I know what I am worth and will not settle for less.

Never Again will I allow someone to tell me “You cannot” because I know that “I can”

Never Again will I believe when someone says something without evidence or without proving it for I know now that saying without proof/evidence is like saying that the world is going to end tomorrow.

Never Again will I wait. I know now that I have better changes sitting in the middle of a drought and wait for the rain than to wait for someone.

Never Again will I doubt myself because me doubting myself is me telling myself that I cannot be the best that I can.

Never Again will I be afraid to say what is on my mind for far too long people have walked over me and I have allowed it. To here and no more.

Never Again will I settle for second best. I deserve the best.

Never Again will I be someone else for someone else. I’m my own person and if that is not enough then; it was nice knowing you but there is the door.

Never Again will I hurt myself because of what a person has done to me. They obviously don't give a fuck so why should I?

Never Again will I allow loneliness consume me for it’s in loneliness that we discover our true selves.

Thoughts from my balcony

In life we have to choose. Choose what we win and choose what we lose because as we all know – we can’t have it all. You will get hurt, you will break down and the world will throw you off course and knock you off your feet. It’s all part of this thing called life. So what do we do? Do we run and hide or do we face life, regardless of what obstacles it throws in our way.

Am almost afraid to say this but I am proud of the man I’ve turned into since I’ve been in Johannesburg which to my surprise is almost a year. Have learnt so much and been through so much, some sad times, some great times but overall one excellent journey. The things I’ve learnt whilst I’ve been here, although having experienced most of it alone, I don’t mind because I know that I would have never have gotten the chance to experience it was I still in Cape Town under my parents safe guard and always protecting me.

Had my heart broken once again but to my surprise I picked myself back up much quicker as opposed to the previous time. Like they always say - Things happen for a reason. It’s like a chess game and we are all pieces on the board.

Through it all I’ve become a much stronger person and regardless of what people tell one and what you may think. We as humans are beyond strong and can almost overcome anything.

Some of the saddest things I’ve experienced so far this year were:

- Being in love alone
- Although having your heart shattered into a million pieces you still love that person with every last piece
- Suffering and worrying what you will eat the next night and if you will have enough money.
- Becoming a recluse
- That only 2% of the gay community is actually worth my time
- Got drunk

BUT some of the best things I’ve experienced were:
- Conquering my fear of heights
- Making myself happy and not relying on someone else to give it to me.
- Getting a new job where I am appreciated
- Getting out of my uptight skin and went clubbing and danced for the FIRST time ever ...
- Got drunk
- Got my own place :) :) :) :)
- Bought my own car :) :) :) :)

That is just some of the best and negative things I’ve been through this year and I know that this will not be the last but I am prepared.

We just have to be aware of how we approach situations and not just look at it will tunnel like vision. We have to see it from different perspectives because assuming is making an ASS out of U and ME.
I’ve accepted myself, where I am and where I am going and let’s just say right now at this point in my life I am fulfilled and happy and things couldn’t be going better ...

Over and done with …

Funny how life changes and you realize and find out things that, thinking back now you should have realized weren’t right.

Yes Mr, Yes YOU! I’m speaking to you. Even though we may have not been together for long you still had a huge impact on my life and what you did could possibly be described as the most heart breaking of it all. Fuck cheating and whoring around.

Now I must admit, I really thought this was it but now, today in fact, I have realized once more that you played with me and played with my heart … a game of chess you can call it … check mate – I think I lost, NO, now I know I lost and amongst it all I still manage to find hope, still manage to believe in this thing called love …

I’m losing my grip and although it is fucking hard to hold on to my dignity, my belief and just everything I stand for I will still manage to hold on - of that you can be sure.

Broke me down and tore my feelings out, broke me down and molded me into what you believed to be the perfect boyfriend. I’m sorry to say but I’m not perfect and neither are you. The only difference between us is that I am not afraid of the truth because I stare at it every morning in the mirror … You on the other hand are still in denial being what other people want you to be. How vain and self centered can you be.

As hard as it is for me to type this and even find word I somehow manage to … Just think that I have had more than enough time to think of it all and finally plucked up enough courage to tell you to go fuck yourself.

You had a hold on me, but now, today, I break these chains, I’m nothing of you anymore … I close this door today knowing it’s me that makes me happy, me that makes me complete. How stupid could I be to think that you would make my life complete. I guess it’s what people refer to as being in love …

Guess we as human being prefer hearing the lies instead of being faced with the truth which is something I have, by now, learnt to make peace with because I have learnt that the truth was just another reason for you to not be true …

Falling …

Feels like my life’s been passing by with happiness just being a lie. How did I get here? Where am I going? One more day without knowing and struggling for one more breath as I’m drowning in a painful death. Can someone reach out for me in this dark and dreary sea?

It seems like no one can hear the voice that’s calling. Try to take the most I can stand but I keep falling. I try to chase the memories away but they haunt me everyday. I hope I get over this phase because I’m stuck inside this haze. All I need is a simple lift, such a sweet and precious gift so I don’t lose it all before what I have left is nothing more ...

In my isolating misery I feel like the epitome of darkness and despair just leading onto nowhere. Will I be able to win this race? I’m running at a slow pace trying hard to press on but the motivation’s gone.

It may not have to be this way. Waiting for me they could be a new day. Maybe I can revise and escape from the lies ...

Desperate …

You're reaching out and no one hears you cry. You're freaking out again because all your fears remind you another dream has come undone. You feel so small and lost like you're the only one  and you want to scream 'cause you're desperate ...

You want somebody, just anybody to lay their hands on your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday you're going to  see the light...

You're in the dark and there's no one left to call and sleep's your only friend but even sleep can't hide you from all those tears and all the pain and all the days you wasted pushing them away. It's your life, it's time you face it ...

You know that things have got to change. You can't go back you'll find your way and day by day you start to come alive …

Final Goodbye

I passed my reflection and saw someone else because what I see is your invention and not myself. I turned into your perfect boy who has become a total stranger to everyone including myself.

Now I see and I don't want to be you. It's all just an act and it's overrated. The truth is I'm wanting me back because I can't take this. I have got to be who I am underneath, who I gave up so you'll believe. You and I were all just an act, so overrated.

I let you control me but don't for one second think that you're perfect, just don't misstep. I hid away the best of me, too scared you'd notice.

Changing for a guy is overrated. Living in a lie is overrated. Always asking why is so overrated.

“Let’s give it one more try” a message from you reads. My only response “I don’t think so because last night, you said your one last lie”

I can’t let you wreck my plans. I’m planning to let you go and only one thing is true. I’ve only got one thing to do - time to delete you

Burning up all your pictures, tearing up all your letters. This is for the better. I am grabbing back all my power because one lesson I learnt from you is that I don’t need you.
It’s not time to say how much you care. I’m done; I think the time’s come to bring this thing to an end. I think this could be goodbye and you ran out of time.

All I want from you is for you to disappear. All I need from you is for you to not be here. I guess it’s time you got the news.

“Don’t speak” I told you. I couldn’t believe it happened. Our situation just wasn’t right. I have just one question – who do you think you are playing with because I never thought you would be like this – you were supposed to be there by my side.

When you say “I want you” I find myself not being able to believe it for the simple reason that you are always ready to give up on us and whenever I need you I find myself looking at empty spaces.

I needed you and you didn’t try to save me. You had one lame excuse after the other to never be true. I said I loved you and I thought you were the one I could turn to but instead I said goodbye without a fight.

I am past being worried that you are going to quit us over anything I do. I could trip and you would let me go just like that and everything that we were is starting to fade now except the pain. Guess you didn’t know the good from the bad.

Every time I tried to speak to you, you tried to stop me because every little thing I say is wrong. You say you're noticing but you never see that this is who I really am and the fact that you don’t believe it just confirms that we were never meant to be. It makes me wonder if it’s me you’ll live without or will you change your mind …

You know that when I say I want you I mean every single word. I am battling with myself because in my hour of need I still see time to try …

Gay

Been thinking a lot lately about being gay, gay relationships and all of the things that go along with it. For anyone that says gay people have it easy, I merely have to say THINK AGAIN. For those who think gay people have the most perfect relationships, I merely have to say THINK AGAIN. Being gay and being in a gay relationship is probably one of the most difficult things that you will have to do or be part of if you’re the “lucky” one. Not only is a gay relationship more challenging than any straight relationship it’s also a lot more work and has its own set of unique issues that one has to deal with on a daily basis.

One tends to forget that it is two men in a relationship and woman will most probably agree when I say that men are stubborn as hell and they are proud beings not wanting to lose. You throw that into a relationship and you will finally get what I am speaking about. What to do when two men are stubborn and neither one wants to lose the argument. The answer is simple – you speak. I said speak. Not abuse and not yelling because that really isn’t the answer. Walking away and pretending an issue hasn’t arisen also isn’t the answer. Communication in a calm fashion is really the only way to go.

Don’t get me wrong – am in a loving relationship and as with all relationships it has it’s up’s and downs but mostly what we have that most relationships doesn’t have is communication.

I write this as I feel like I want/need to speak my mind because so many people are either afraid to say what I am saying or too scared because other people might look at them differently. My only advise if this is you is to get that little uptight stick that is stuck in your ass out of there and accept that you are human and not f..king perfection and/or God’s gift to men/woman because you are most probably not.

Perfection is another subject that just pissed the living shit out of me. There is no such thing as perfection and there is no such thing as the perfect person. I refer to a story that a girl at the office told me and it goes like this. A man went on a search to find the perfect woman and for years he travelled the world in search of the perfect woman. Upon his return his friends asked him if he found the perfect woman. His response was that yes he found her. Surprised his friends asked him where this perfect woman is. He merely replied by saying “She is looking for the perfect man”.

Relationships aren’t perfect and rarely if ever will a relationship go by without any fights, arguments or disagreements happening, but the most important thing to remember is to never speak when you are angry as one only ends up saying the most hurtful things which you can’t take back afterwards and once those words have left your mouth you will never be able to take them back. The damage has been done.

I have learnt and made a lot of mistakes with past relationships that I thought with this relationship I won’t make any more mistakes as I went through them and know very well what the after effects will be. Here I discover that there are more mistakes, more difficult mistakes, more difficult decisions and over and above all more compromises.

Everyone and I mean everyone is scared of compromise. My definition of compromise I got from Grey’s Anatomy of all places. Goes something in the lines of: In a relationship the two people are like two rocks that need and want to go together. What does one do when you want these rocks fit together? You shave pieces off to make it fit. Now as with the rocks we as human beings shave pieces off ourselves to make ourselves fit with our partner. The thing that one must be careful is though that you must not shave off so much of yourself that you look at yourself in the mirror one day not remembering the person that is staring back at you in the mirror.

I keep on referring to my relationship as I have learnt so much in this short time that I can’t help but firstly be thankful and secondly feel blessed.

Acceptance is one thing that we all either do or we don’t do. In a relationship this comes up a lot because you are either going to accept certain parts of your partner because to begin with you are two very different beings trying to fit together, or you are not going to accept and leave thinking to yourself what the relationship could have been if you have just accepted instead of being the stubborn ass man that you know you are.

Fighting in any relationship is inevitable and cannot be avoided. The question you must ask yourself is this. Are you fighting to stay together or is the fighting to break each other down and be apart. The answer that you get there is pretty much self explanatory. When fighting don’t fight to hurt – fight to find a solution. Too often we jump the gun and assume (jup I do that too) and end up missing the whole point so much that you spend more than enough time fixing and making up for the assumption than anything else.

The mind is a very powerful thing and it’s also your worst enemy. Seeing and letting you believe that things are there when 99% of the time things aren’t there is just one of the many tricks it plays on you. This is where communication and trust comes in. If your mind is playing tricks then have the balls to tell your partner about what is bothering you instead of losing sleep over what you mind is letting you to believe. You might be thinking that this will spark a fight but I can almost guarantee you that the conversation will be very calm and you will get rest for your soul and just continue with this road known as a relationship. Too many times people let things bottle up and then when it all eventually released you find yourself thinking “why didn’t he tell me this earlier”

I have found that when in a relationship you easily find out who you’re true friends are. You win some and you lose some as they always say. Those friends who get jealous of the relationship and think your neglecting them because of this relationship are not real friends to begin with. Those people who are constant throughout everything, they are the ones who are keepers and real friends.

In relationships you will have to meet the other partners friends and boy oh boy is this one tricky situation. You find yourself biting your nails and doing things you never do for the simple fact that you want them to like and approve of you. You ask yourself constantly if they like you and approve of you but you never really get the answer. Been blessed to have met my partners friends and I must say that they have made me feel beyond welcome and they are truly people that I would be proud of calling friends.

Relationships aren’t easy and when you are gay they are more difficult. They require attention, communication, affection, trust, honesty and over and above all, commitment. The question you have to ask yourself is this. Are you in it for the long run or is this merely just a quick way of having that emptiness fulfilled because you are scared of being alone?

Just in general …

This is just a random note of things I though about whilst driving home tonight and this applies to ANYONE who wants to be part of my life in any form whether it be a partner or friend ...

1) If your an ex of mine actually make sure that I give a flying fuck about the song you dedicate to me and don't make an asshole of yourself. Make sure you can actually sing before you think of climbing onto a stage and singing a song by Kelly Clarkson because fuck knows you have messed so many songs up that I find it hard to listen to music these days because your screechy voice is all I hear.

2) If you enter a beauty competition don't come fucking tell me about your insecurities! I just don't care! I have my own issues and listening to your little petty insecurities will just make me enter that exact competition and kick your ass after which I will say "SUCK IT"

3) Don't ever back stab me. I will find out and I will fuck you up. Maybe not physically but hey, I got a mean mother fucking mouth!

4) If you want to belittle and talk shit about your peers make sure that I don't have the fucking letter where you talk about them because they will not like it (this ties in with number 2)

5) If you want to impress me don't even fucking try because you will piss me off! Just be yourself. It's all I ask. Can't seem to understand why people feel they must be someone else to get approval! No wonder that fucking bi-polar excuse is used so often these days! People are so confused they lost themselves and what to they blame "oh I might have a case of bi-polar"! Bitch please go tell that to someone who cares.

6) If you want to complain to me about being single, again DON'T. I am single as well and I bitch enough about it. I have been single for the past 7 months (excluding the 2 minor hiccups) and only find an issue with being single on cold nights. Like I always said and always will say - the right one will come when it is necessary - when you go looking for love then the only thing you will find is heart ache.

7) If your intentions are just - and to put this bluntly - to FUCK ME then it was nice knowing you but there is the door! If you're under 21 then NO I'M NOT INTERESTED!!!! I don't want to help you figure out life. I'm doing it myself and I am not your teacher! If you possess a thing we call an IQ then come again and see where it goes!

8) People respect you more when you don't make an ass of yourself so don't be a drunken slut and try and flirt with everything that has two legs and a penis. Sure we're men and we're horny most of the time but good grief put some ice on it!

9) If your going to replace me (this only applies to exes) then please make sure that the person that you are going to date at least looks a little better than me. I know it's too much too ask but for fuck sakes please just try - in my dictionary settling for second best is called DESPERATION!

10) Clubs aren't the end of the world. People there are more to life than clubs & drugs & being promiscuous! It's called decent friends & good conversation - why would you waste your hard earned money on a useless night of yelling at other people because the music is so loud and getting so shit faced drunk for something that only lasts 3 hours. If you find yourself in the predicament that you can't remember please look for help because that bullshit just doesn't exist! Amnesia from drinking?! Go fuck yourself rather!

So ya - am a bit pissed as I sit here... Just something I had to share - like it or not - this is me ...

Losing It …

 

Laying in bed and wondering about a lot of things at the moment and not sure what to think of it all – am starting to feel like I am losing it.

Can’t explain how I feel at the moment. Breathless, cold, lonely, an empty shell of the person I once was.

I am writing this to get everything that I feel at this moment out of my system and just to clear my head.

As lonely as I am here, right now I know that if it was meant to be otherwise it would be. This week is going to be a crap week to start with because exactly a year ago starting tomorrow will mark the year anniversary of me becoming the person I am today.

Looking back at the year past I have accomplished exactly everything that I set out to do – difference is all my goals were set for when I am 30 – I am turning 22 and have accomplished what I set out to accomplish BUT only when I was 30 – here I am now and have accomplished it 8 years in advance. I find myself struggling to set new goals because I reach them so quickly.

It’s been a rough year for me – not only did I fall in love, get engaged, relocated and got promoted to manager, but it was also the year that my heart was broken, I found out that everything I believed in was a lie and I had to pick myself up from the ground ALONE. It was also the year that I found out I had a deceased twin brother. It was the year that I relocated. It was the year that I discovered so much about myself that I wasn’t sure whether or not I like myself or hate myself. It was the year or LEARNING as I call it.

I mention relocate twice on purpose for the reason that it had it’s ups and it had it’s downs. The ups being that I can prove to everyone that I am an independent and of me being me and not pushed into a box and being who I am and not what they wanted me to be. The downs being the obvious. Being alone, being scared to a certain extent and fending for yourself. Not wanting to let people know that you are actually struggling.

I have made a lot of fuck ups since being on my own but am not going to point fingers at anyone because the lessons I learnt, those heart breaking, gut wrenching lessons that just wants to make you curl up and die type lessons I had to learn on my own and no one could ever help me let alone prepare me for what I have gone through.

I find myself not trusting people, not trusting what they are saying and not trusting their intentions. I have my wall up and believe me it’s going to take one heck of a guy to break those down. All I ask for and ever will ask for in a guy is trust, honesty, respect & communication. These are simple requests which essentially form the basis of any relationship. I find myself thinking that these requests aren’t so simple because no guy I have met has ever been able to provide me with any.

Right now I find myself becoming a recluse which is a big word to say especially since I am only 22 – fuck I still have to turn 22 but that’s in a couple of days… Been locked up and cut physically from the outside world for 2 solid months now. Haven’t been to a club in two months. Haven’t seen my friends in 2 months and haven’t touched alcohol in two months. This isn’t because of anything else other than the fact that I have had enough of it all. No matter where you go it’s the same thing happening over and over and getting stuck in a spiral of stupid and silly things is not something where I see myself getting involved in. It was me but not anymore.

Went out to a client meeting the other day and kind of was overwhelmed by nothing more than a shit load of people – compared to me 2 months ago I would say that something is happening to me because driving in a car and struggling to breathe when in traffic which is the norm is just strange to me.

I don’t know what the future holds and don’t want to know because that would just take the learning aspect of it all out of my hands and liking to be in control I would freak out – something which is currently happening to me. Right now there is too much control because I know exactly what I will be doing at every hour of the day.

One massive routine, something which I despise to be part of is what I am currently part of. Do I change it? Do I go with the flow? Do I make decisions I wonder if they are right or wrong …

They say 5 minutes prior you are the most selfish you will ever be in your life … who knows … maybe it’s my 5 minutes and my turn to be selfish …

… another day …

another day, another story, another drama, another heart-ache … everything is just another thing … when does it stop?

…

To all my friends,

A clean slate – something that all of us wants but almost no one gets to achieve for a simple reason that no one is willing to look past the things that occurred in the past.

I lay here – not looking for forgiveness, not for a second change but for you to see that I have changed and truly am making an effort to be a better person.

What I have done in the past I am not proud of for one second. In the past I could have been classified in all the categories that you can possible think of: slutty, bitchy, backstabber, egocentric, self absorbed/centered, needy, liar and the list can go on till I run out of space to type.

I have noticed the error of my ways and I know how it feels to have nothing. Nothing in the sense of you have everything but it’s still nothing.

I watched Gossip Girl followed by Cruel Intentions right after one another and for a while I couldn’t realize why I related so much to all those things that occurred in the shows but then the light went on.

I was the one that used to do everything to get to the top spot at any cost. I was the one that liked to be center of attention and when someone stole that from me I would get back at them at whichever cost. I was the one that slept with the boyfriends best friend to get back at him. I was the one that destroyed countless peoples lives by things that I have said and things that I have done. I’m not proud of the above mentioned things but one things is certain.

I am trying to change because on can only put up the facade for so long until it catches up to you.

Some of you I hurt in ways that I can’t even begin to explain and the things I said I will never be able to take back and for THAT I will never be able to forgive myself for. I’m not asking for forgiveness or anything. All I ask for is for you to understand that I am changing and I really want you to be a part of my life. If it means that it’s in a completely platonic manner where we only greet each other or whatever then so be it.

You have made an impact on my life regardless of whether or not it was good or bad – the impact you made was enough for me to ultimately realize that as you I am human and that as you I have made mistakes. Mistakes that aren’t easy to forget not to mention to forgive.

Being back in Cape Town has made me realize a lot of things all of which I am so grateful for that I can’t begin to explain it.

I have come to terms with a lot of issues that I still had to deal with as person. I have learnt to accept. I have learnt to forgive. I have gotten closure on some stuff from the past and I am moving on. I’m surrounding myself with positivity because as the end of the day, like a friend said, you are what you surround yourself with and I am surrounding myself with a positive group of people, all of whom will and are having a great influence on my life.

With this paragraph I end of by saying that YES I have made mistakes in the past and yes I wasn’t the best friend to a lot of you that I could have been but that is busy changing for I have realized my potential and what I can be.

Rebuilding ...

Laying in bed and a friend motivated me to start blogging again because lets face it - I have neglected my blog for the past six months. I don't have a reason for doing this except that I had to sort out my life and to an extent (a large one) I still am sorting out my life. I don't know why I stopped blogging because writing for me is like therapy. My blog is my outlet for all the things that I am feeling.

Right now I am thinking that my life is crumbling apart when in reality my life is probably just a mess and I have to sort it out. Long discussions last night had me thinking (and a lot of you reading this will say that why did it take me so long to realize this) and I am responsible for the way I feel. My depression isn't caused by other people but rather by myself.

I have an ex who I love dearly (we all have that someone who will always classify as "the one that got away") and last night I went to visit his parents and after lots of discussions I started to realize that the main reason our relationship fell apart was because of three simple reasons which is so small but when looking back they were actually so big.

There was no communication so neither one knew much about the other one's past and this just caused us to assume that the other one was full of shit.

We were both stubborn as hell and both had extremely strong personalities. Age wise and career wise we were at the same level. Now with him being 27 at the time and me being 21 and both of us earning almost the same contributed to a lot of issues in the relationship itself.

The main reason itself which I would say the relationship fell apart and the thing happened the way they did was because when we were together I was in Cape Town and he was in Johannesburg and we only saw each other every third week of the month which is not enough for ANY relationship to survive on because doubt is placed in your head.

I left his parents place thinking WHAT IF I were to give him another chance. What if he changed his ways and what if we could start over? Would things be different? Would it work?

I went out with this one guy for over a month and when things started to get serious I started to realize things that just had a lot of similarities to the one I was in with Shaun. Naturally this scared the living shit out of me and I probably did the most stupid thing that I could ever do - I rebuilt all those walls around me and shut the guy out - DON'T GET ME WRONG - I love this guy more than I could ever say but right now at this place and time I am not able to commit to him which is sad and to an extend breaking me up inside because he is really a nice guy.

I've become a recluse to an extend - hiding away in my shell and avoiding contact with the outside world. The reason for this is that I have trouble dealing with things and that is why I hide away in my shell.

Johannesburg is fun and in the 4 months that I have been here I have discovered so much about myself that 21 years in Cape Town amounts to the four months that I have been here in Johannesburg. Like I said - Johannesburg is fun - BUT it's also hectic and fast paced and if you don't have a clear head you can get lost so easily.

I'm going to Cape Town next weekend for a while and hopefully by the time I return to Johannesburg I will have a clear view on everything and be able to start fresh.

An Inconvenient Truth...

- we have to learn certain things and lose certain people before we really understand what impact they had in our lives.

- be honest - if you feel something - then say it and say it to the person that it was meant for.

- don't be afraid - aim high, go big and NEVER settle for second best.

- when you get a second chance - EMBRACE it and make the most out of it.

- when you love, love like you have never loved before.