Laying in bed and wondering about a lot of things at the moment and not sure what to think of it all – am starting to feel like I am losing it.
Can’t explain how I feel at the moment. Breathless, cold, lonely, an empty shell of the person I once was.
I am writing this to get everything that I feel at this moment out of my system and just to clear my head.
As lonely as I am here, right now I know that if it was meant to be otherwise it would be. This week is going to be a crap week to start with because exactly a year ago starting tomorrow will mark the year anniversary of me becoming the person I am today.
Looking back at the year past I have accomplished exactly everything that I set out to do – difference is all my goals were set for when I am 30 – I am turning 22 and have accomplished what I set out to accomplish BUT only when I was 30 – here I am now and have accomplished it 8 years in advance. I find myself struggling to set new goals because I reach them so quickly.
It’s been a rough year for me – not only did I fall in love, get engaged, relocated and got promoted to manager, but it was also the year that my heart was broken, I found out that everything I believed in was a lie and I had to pick myself up from the ground ALONE. It was also the year that I found out I had a deceased twin brother. It was the year that I relocated. It was the year that I discovered so much about myself that I wasn’t sure whether or not I like myself or hate myself. It was the year or LEARNING as I call it.
I mention relocate twice on purpose for the reason that it had it’s ups and it had it’s downs. The ups being that I can prove to everyone that I am an independent and of me being me and not pushed into a box and being who I am and not what they wanted me to be. The downs being the obvious. Being alone, being scared to a certain extent and fending for yourself. Not wanting to let people know that you are actually struggling.
I have made a lot of fuck ups since being on my own but am not going to point fingers at anyone because the lessons I learnt, those heart breaking, gut wrenching lessons that just wants to make you curl up and die type lessons I had to learn on my own and no one could ever help me let alone prepare me for what I have gone through.
I find myself not trusting people, not trusting what they are saying and not trusting their intentions. I have my wall up and believe me it’s going to take one heck of a guy to break those down. All I ask for and ever will ask for in a guy is trust, honesty, respect & communication. These are simple requests which essentially form the basis of any relationship. I find myself thinking that these requests aren’t so simple because no guy I have met has ever been able to provide me with any.
Right now I find myself becoming a recluse which is a big word to say especially since I am only 22 – fuck I still have to turn 22 but that’s in a couple of days… Been locked up and cut physically from the outside world for 2 solid months now. Haven’t been to a club in two months. Haven’t seen my friends in 2 months and haven’t touched alcohol in two months. This isn’t because of anything else other than the fact that I have had enough of it all. No matter where you go it’s the same thing happening over and over and getting stuck in a spiral of stupid and silly things is not something where I see myself getting involved in. It was me but not anymore.
Went out to a client meeting the other day and kind of was overwhelmed by nothing more than a shit load of people – compared to me 2 months ago I would say that something is happening to me because driving in a car and struggling to breathe when in traffic which is the norm is just strange to me.
I don’t know what the future holds and don’t want to know because that would just take the learning aspect of it all out of my hands and liking to be in control I would freak out – something which is currently happening to me. Right now there is too much control because I know exactly what I will be doing at every hour of the day.
One massive routine, something which I despise to be part of is what I am currently part of. Do I change it? Do I go with the flow? Do I make decisions I wonder if they are right or wrong …
They say 5 minutes prior you are the most selfish you will ever be in your life … who knows … maybe it’s my 5 minutes and my turn to be selfish …
0 comments:
Post a Comment