Final Goodbye

I passed my reflection and saw someone else because what I see is your invention and not myself. I turned into your perfect boy who has become a total stranger to everyone including myself.

Now I see and I don't want to be you. It's all just an act and it's overrated. The truth is I'm wanting me back because I can't take this. I have got to be who I am underneath, who I gave up so you'll believe. You and I were all just an act, so overrated.

I let you control me but don't for one second think that you're perfect, just don't misstep. I hid away the best of me, too scared you'd notice.

Changing for a guy is overrated. Living in a lie is overrated. Always asking why is so overrated.

“Let’s give it one more try” a message from you reads. My only response “I don’t think so because last night, you said your one last lie”

I can’t let you wreck my plans. I’m planning to let you go and only one thing is true. I’ve only got one thing to do - time to delete you

Burning up all your pictures, tearing up all your letters. This is for the better. I am grabbing back all my power because one lesson I learnt from you is that I don’t need you.
It’s not time to say how much you care. I’m done; I think the time’s come to bring this thing to an end. I think this could be goodbye and you ran out of time.

All I want from you is for you to disappear. All I need from you is for you to not be here. I guess it’s time you got the news.

“Don’t speak” I told you. I couldn’t believe it happened. Our situation just wasn’t right. I have just one question – who do you think you are playing with because I never thought you would be like this – you were supposed to be there by my side.

When you say “I want you” I find myself not being able to believe it for the simple reason that you are always ready to give up on us and whenever I need you I find myself looking at empty spaces.

I needed you and you didn’t try to save me. You had one lame excuse after the other to never be true. I said I loved you and I thought you were the one I could turn to but instead I said goodbye without a fight.

I am past being worried that you are going to quit us over anything I do. I could trip and you would let me go just like that and everything that we were is starting to fade now except the pain. Guess you didn’t know the good from the bad.

Every time I tried to speak to you, you tried to stop me because every little thing I say is wrong. You say you're noticing but you never see that this is who I really am and the fact that you don’t believe it just confirms that we were never meant to be. It makes me wonder if it’s me you’ll live without or will you change your mind …

You know that when I say I want you I mean every single word. I am battling with myself because in my hour of need I still see time to try …

Gay

Been thinking a lot lately about being gay, gay relationships and all of the things that go along with it. For anyone that says gay people have it easy, I merely have to say THINK AGAIN. For those who think gay people have the most perfect relationships, I merely have to say THINK AGAIN. Being gay and being in a gay relationship is probably one of the most difficult things that you will have to do or be part of if you’re the “lucky” one. Not only is a gay relationship more challenging than any straight relationship it’s also a lot more work and has its own set of unique issues that one has to deal with on a daily basis.

One tends to forget that it is two men in a relationship and woman will most probably agree when I say that men are stubborn as hell and they are proud beings not wanting to lose. You throw that into a relationship and you will finally get what I am speaking about. What to do when two men are stubborn and neither one wants to lose the argument. The answer is simple – you speak. I said speak. Not abuse and not yelling because that really isn’t the answer. Walking away and pretending an issue hasn’t arisen also isn’t the answer. Communication in a calm fashion is really the only way to go.

Don’t get me wrong – am in a loving relationship and as with all relationships it has it’s up’s and downs but mostly what we have that most relationships doesn’t have is communication.

I write this as I feel like I want/need to speak my mind because so many people are either afraid to say what I am saying or too scared because other people might look at them differently. My only advise if this is you is to get that little uptight stick that is stuck in your ass out of there and accept that you are human and not f..king perfection and/or God’s gift to men/woman because you are most probably not.

Perfection is another subject that just pissed the living shit out of me. There is no such thing as perfection and there is no such thing as the perfect person. I refer to a story that a girl at the office told me and it goes like this. A man went on a search to find the perfect woman and for years he travelled the world in search of the perfect woman. Upon his return his friends asked him if he found the perfect woman. His response was that yes he found her. Surprised his friends asked him where this perfect woman is. He merely replied by saying “She is looking for the perfect man”.

Relationships aren’t perfect and rarely if ever will a relationship go by without any fights, arguments or disagreements happening, but the most important thing to remember is to never speak when you are angry as one only ends up saying the most hurtful things which you can’t take back afterwards and once those words have left your mouth you will never be able to take them back. The damage has been done.

I have learnt and made a lot of mistakes with past relationships that I thought with this relationship I won’t make any more mistakes as I went through them and know very well what the after effects will be. Here I discover that there are more mistakes, more difficult mistakes, more difficult decisions and over and above all more compromises.

Everyone and I mean everyone is scared of compromise. My definition of compromise I got from Grey’s Anatomy of all places. Goes something in the lines of: In a relationship the two people are like two rocks that need and want to go together. What does one do when you want these rocks fit together? You shave pieces off to make it fit. Now as with the rocks we as human beings shave pieces off ourselves to make ourselves fit with our partner. The thing that one must be careful is though that you must not shave off so much of yourself that you look at yourself in the mirror one day not remembering the person that is staring back at you in the mirror.

I keep on referring to my relationship as I have learnt so much in this short time that I can’t help but firstly be thankful and secondly feel blessed.

Acceptance is one thing that we all either do or we don’t do. In a relationship this comes up a lot because you are either going to accept certain parts of your partner because to begin with you are two very different beings trying to fit together, or you are not going to accept and leave thinking to yourself what the relationship could have been if you have just accepted instead of being the stubborn ass man that you know you are.

Fighting in any relationship is inevitable and cannot be avoided. The question you must ask yourself is this. Are you fighting to stay together or is the fighting to break each other down and be apart. The answer that you get there is pretty much self explanatory. When fighting don’t fight to hurt – fight to find a solution. Too often we jump the gun and assume (jup I do that too) and end up missing the whole point so much that you spend more than enough time fixing and making up for the assumption than anything else.

The mind is a very powerful thing and it’s also your worst enemy. Seeing and letting you believe that things are there when 99% of the time things aren’t there is just one of the many tricks it plays on you. This is where communication and trust comes in. If your mind is playing tricks then have the balls to tell your partner about what is bothering you instead of losing sleep over what you mind is letting you to believe. You might be thinking that this will spark a fight but I can almost guarantee you that the conversation will be very calm and you will get rest for your soul and just continue with this road known as a relationship. Too many times people let things bottle up and then when it all eventually released you find yourself thinking “why didn’t he tell me this earlier”

I have found that when in a relationship you easily find out who you’re true friends are. You win some and you lose some as they always say. Those friends who get jealous of the relationship and think your neglecting them because of this relationship are not real friends to begin with. Those people who are constant throughout everything, they are the ones who are keepers and real friends.

In relationships you will have to meet the other partners friends and boy oh boy is this one tricky situation. You find yourself biting your nails and doing things you never do for the simple fact that you want them to like and approve of you. You ask yourself constantly if they like you and approve of you but you never really get the answer. Been blessed to have met my partners friends and I must say that they have made me feel beyond welcome and they are truly people that I would be proud of calling friends.

Relationships aren’t easy and when you are gay they are more difficult. They require attention, communication, affection, trust, honesty and over and above all, commitment. The question you have to ask yourself is this. Are you in it for the long run or is this merely just a quick way of having that emptiness fulfilled because you are scared of being alone?

Just in general …

This is just a random note of things I though about whilst driving home tonight and this applies to ANYONE who wants to be part of my life in any form whether it be a partner or friend ...

1) If your an ex of mine actually make sure that I give a flying fuck about the song you dedicate to me and don't make an asshole of yourself. Make sure you can actually sing before you think of climbing onto a stage and singing a song by Kelly Clarkson because fuck knows you have messed so many songs up that I find it hard to listen to music these days because your screechy voice is all I hear.

2) If you enter a beauty competition don't come fucking tell me about your insecurities! I just don't care! I have my own issues and listening to your little petty insecurities will just make me enter that exact competition and kick your ass after which I will say "SUCK IT"

3) Don't ever back stab me. I will find out and I will fuck you up. Maybe not physically but hey, I got a mean mother fucking mouth!

4) If you want to belittle and talk shit about your peers make sure that I don't have the fucking letter where you talk about them because they will not like it (this ties in with number 2)

5) If you want to impress me don't even fucking try because you will piss me off! Just be yourself. It's all I ask. Can't seem to understand why people feel they must be someone else to get approval! No wonder that fucking bi-polar excuse is used so often these days! People are so confused they lost themselves and what to they blame "oh I might have a case of bi-polar"! Bitch please go tell that to someone who cares.

6) If you want to complain to me about being single, again DON'T. I am single as well and I bitch enough about it. I have been single for the past 7 months (excluding the 2 minor hiccups) and only find an issue with being single on cold nights. Like I always said and always will say - the right one will come when it is necessary - when you go looking for love then the only thing you will find is heart ache.

7) If your intentions are just - and to put this bluntly - to FUCK ME then it was nice knowing you but there is the door! If you're under 21 then NO I'M NOT INTERESTED!!!! I don't want to help you figure out life. I'm doing it myself and I am not your teacher! If you possess a thing we call an IQ then come again and see where it goes!

8) People respect you more when you don't make an ass of yourself so don't be a drunken slut and try and flirt with everything that has two legs and a penis. Sure we're men and we're horny most of the time but good grief put some ice on it!

9) If your going to replace me (this only applies to exes) then please make sure that the person that you are going to date at least looks a little better than me. I know it's too much too ask but for fuck sakes please just try - in my dictionary settling for second best is called DESPERATION!

10) Clubs aren't the end of the world. People there are more to life than clubs & drugs & being promiscuous! It's called decent friends & good conversation - why would you waste your hard earned money on a useless night of yelling at other people because the music is so loud and getting so shit faced drunk for something that only lasts 3 hours. If you find yourself in the predicament that you can't remember please look for help because that bullshit just doesn't exist! Amnesia from drinking?! Go fuck yourself rather!

So ya - am a bit pissed as I sit here... Just something I had to share - like it or not - this is me ...

Losing It …

 

Laying in bed and wondering about a lot of things at the moment and not sure what to think of it all – am starting to feel like I am losing it.

Can’t explain how I feel at the moment. Breathless, cold, lonely, an empty shell of the person I once was.

I am writing this to get everything that I feel at this moment out of my system and just to clear my head.

As lonely as I am here, right now I know that if it was meant to be otherwise it would be. This week is going to be a crap week to start with because exactly a year ago starting tomorrow will mark the year anniversary of me becoming the person I am today.

Looking back at the year past I have accomplished exactly everything that I set out to do – difference is all my goals were set for when I am 30 – I am turning 22 and have accomplished what I set out to accomplish BUT only when I was 30 – here I am now and have accomplished it 8 years in advance. I find myself struggling to set new goals because I reach them so quickly.

It’s been a rough year for me – not only did I fall in love, get engaged, relocated and got promoted to manager, but it was also the year that my heart was broken, I found out that everything I believed in was a lie and I had to pick myself up from the ground ALONE. It was also the year that I found out I had a deceased twin brother. It was the year that I relocated. It was the year that I discovered so much about myself that I wasn’t sure whether or not I like myself or hate myself. It was the year or LEARNING as I call it.

I mention relocate twice on purpose for the reason that it had it’s ups and it had it’s downs. The ups being that I can prove to everyone that I am an independent and of me being me and not pushed into a box and being who I am and not what they wanted me to be. The downs being the obvious. Being alone, being scared to a certain extent and fending for yourself. Not wanting to let people know that you are actually struggling.

I have made a lot of fuck ups since being on my own but am not going to point fingers at anyone because the lessons I learnt, those heart breaking, gut wrenching lessons that just wants to make you curl up and die type lessons I had to learn on my own and no one could ever help me let alone prepare me for what I have gone through.

I find myself not trusting people, not trusting what they are saying and not trusting their intentions. I have my wall up and believe me it’s going to take one heck of a guy to break those down. All I ask for and ever will ask for in a guy is trust, honesty, respect & communication. These are simple requests which essentially form the basis of any relationship. I find myself thinking that these requests aren’t so simple because no guy I have met has ever been able to provide me with any.

Right now I find myself becoming a recluse which is a big word to say especially since I am only 22 – fuck I still have to turn 22 but that’s in a couple of days… Been locked up and cut physically from the outside world for 2 solid months now. Haven’t been to a club in two months. Haven’t seen my friends in 2 months and haven’t touched alcohol in two months. This isn’t because of anything else other than the fact that I have had enough of it all. No matter where you go it’s the same thing happening over and over and getting stuck in a spiral of stupid and silly things is not something where I see myself getting involved in. It was me but not anymore.

Went out to a client meeting the other day and kind of was overwhelmed by nothing more than a shit load of people – compared to me 2 months ago I would say that something is happening to me because driving in a car and struggling to breathe when in traffic which is the norm is just strange to me.

I don’t know what the future holds and don’t want to know because that would just take the learning aspect of it all out of my hands and liking to be in control I would freak out – something which is currently happening to me. Right now there is too much control because I know exactly what I will be doing at every hour of the day.

One massive routine, something which I despise to be part of is what I am currently part of. Do I change it? Do I go with the flow? Do I make decisions I wonder if they are right or wrong …

They say 5 minutes prior you are the most selfish you will ever be in your life … who knows … maybe it’s my 5 minutes and my turn to be selfish …

… another day …

another day, another story, another drama, another heart-ache … everything is just another thing … when does it stop?

…

To all my friends,

A clean slate – something that all of us wants but almost no one gets to achieve for a simple reason that no one is willing to look past the things that occurred in the past.

I lay here – not looking for forgiveness, not for a second change but for you to see that I have changed and truly am making an effort to be a better person.

What I have done in the past I am not proud of for one second. In the past I could have been classified in all the categories that you can possible think of: slutty, bitchy, backstabber, egocentric, self absorbed/centered, needy, liar and the list can go on till I run out of space to type.

I have noticed the error of my ways and I know how it feels to have nothing. Nothing in the sense of you have everything but it’s still nothing.

I watched Gossip Girl followed by Cruel Intentions right after one another and for a while I couldn’t realize why I related so much to all those things that occurred in the shows but then the light went on.

I was the one that used to do everything to get to the top spot at any cost. I was the one that liked to be center of attention and when someone stole that from me I would get back at them at whichever cost. I was the one that slept with the boyfriends best friend to get back at him. I was the one that destroyed countless peoples lives by things that I have said and things that I have done. I’m not proud of the above mentioned things but one things is certain.

I am trying to change because on can only put up the facade for so long until it catches up to you.

Some of you I hurt in ways that I can’t even begin to explain and the things I said I will never be able to take back and for THAT I will never be able to forgive myself for. I’m not asking for forgiveness or anything. All I ask for is for you to understand that I am changing and I really want you to be a part of my life. If it means that it’s in a completely platonic manner where we only greet each other or whatever then so be it.

You have made an impact on my life regardless of whether or not it was good or bad – the impact you made was enough for me to ultimately realize that as you I am human and that as you I have made mistakes. Mistakes that aren’t easy to forget not to mention to forgive.

Being back in Cape Town has made me realize a lot of things all of which I am so grateful for that I can’t begin to explain it.

I have come to terms with a lot of issues that I still had to deal with as person. I have learnt to accept. I have learnt to forgive. I have gotten closure on some stuff from the past and I am moving on. I’m surrounding myself with positivity because as the end of the day, like a friend said, you are what you surround yourself with and I am surrounding myself with a positive group of people, all of whom will and are having a great influence on my life.

With this paragraph I end of by saying that YES I have made mistakes in the past and yes I wasn’t the best friend to a lot of you that I could have been but that is busy changing for I have realized my potential and what I can be.

Rebuilding ...

Laying in bed and a friend motivated me to start blogging again because lets face it - I have neglected my blog for the past six months. I don't have a reason for doing this except that I had to sort out my life and to an extent (a large one) I still am sorting out my life. I don't know why I stopped blogging because writing for me is like therapy. My blog is my outlet for all the things that I am feeling.

Right now I am thinking that my life is crumbling apart when in reality my life is probably just a mess and I have to sort it out. Long discussions last night had me thinking (and a lot of you reading this will say that why did it take me so long to realize this) and I am responsible for the way I feel. My depression isn't caused by other people but rather by myself.

I have an ex who I love dearly (we all have that someone who will always classify as "the one that got away") and last night I went to visit his parents and after lots of discussions I started to realize that the main reason our relationship fell apart was because of three simple reasons which is so small but when looking back they were actually so big.

There was no communication so neither one knew much about the other one's past and this just caused us to assume that the other one was full of shit.

We were both stubborn as hell and both had extremely strong personalities. Age wise and career wise we were at the same level. Now with him being 27 at the time and me being 21 and both of us earning almost the same contributed to a lot of issues in the relationship itself.

The main reason itself which I would say the relationship fell apart and the thing happened the way they did was because when we were together I was in Cape Town and he was in Johannesburg and we only saw each other every third week of the month which is not enough for ANY relationship to survive on because doubt is placed in your head.

I left his parents place thinking WHAT IF I were to give him another chance. What if he changed his ways and what if we could start over? Would things be different? Would it work?

I went out with this one guy for over a month and when things started to get serious I started to realize things that just had a lot of similarities to the one I was in with Shaun. Naturally this scared the living shit out of me and I probably did the most stupid thing that I could ever do - I rebuilt all those walls around me and shut the guy out - DON'T GET ME WRONG - I love this guy more than I could ever say but right now at this place and time I am not able to commit to him which is sad and to an extend breaking me up inside because he is really a nice guy.

I've become a recluse to an extend - hiding away in my shell and avoiding contact with the outside world. The reason for this is that I have trouble dealing with things and that is why I hide away in my shell.

Johannesburg is fun and in the 4 months that I have been here I have discovered so much about myself that 21 years in Cape Town amounts to the four months that I have been here in Johannesburg. Like I said - Johannesburg is fun - BUT it's also hectic and fast paced and if you don't have a clear head you can get lost so easily.

I'm going to Cape Town next weekend for a while and hopefully by the time I return to Johannesburg I will have a clear view on everything and be able to start fresh.

An Inconvenient Truth...

- we have to learn certain things and lose certain people before we really understand what impact they had in our lives.

- be honest - if you feel something - then say it and say it to the person that it was meant for.

- don't be afraid - aim high, go big and NEVER settle for second best.

- when you get a second chance - EMBRACE it and make the most out of it.

- when you love, love like you have never loved before.

Old VS New

Once again lying on my bed with nothing to do I begin to think; thinking of the person I was and the person I have become.

Where do I even begin to start? How much have I really changed as person? I don’t know but for me, as I am lying here it feels like I have done a complete 180 from the person that I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. The breakup has consumed me and turned me into this monster. I have built these walls around me that I don’t know where or when I built them. To protect myself, to keep everyone out, to not get emotionally attached to anyone because honestly, this year was one fucked up year that I do not wish to revisit;

A shitty start to the year:

I started the year single, alone and I wouldn’t say I was looking for a relationship but somehow I managed to walk myself into one; one that would ultimately start the change of who I was as person. Everything went peachy and fine up until the day I started doing drugs and my life started to spiral out of control, 99% of the time I would be so high on drugs that I can’t remember a thing. Went to work stoned, went home stoned and just basically was stoned most of the time for about 3 months (can’t really remember). 2 of my colleagues sat me down and had a open hearted chat with me about drugs and all the thing, and I will admit that I wasn’t really paying attention when they were speaking because guess what? I was stoned out of my mind. The time came where it was either sober up or lose my job. Needless to say and without elaborating too much – I sobered up and I’m clean now for the whole year.

The knight in shining armor… or not:

What would obviously amongst everyone that knows me be known as “the big heart ache” started just after I sobered up which was quite pleasant as I constantly (and still) battled depression which everyone who has ever done drugs is a bitch to cope with especially when you come of it. Met him through a friend and we instantly hit it off, we began chatting and he really crawled into my heart. I felt bad for the poor fella because he came out of a relationship where he was in a long distance relationship and the guy cheated on him and lied to him (please keep this in mind as you continue reading). We met, almost immediately entered the relationship and from there it was sunshine and roses… and a long distance relationship might I add.
R2000 a month later for 7-8 months and 2 weeks a month later and the story is different – went from being sunshine and roses to fights every second day, one not trusting the other, and ignoring each other for weeks on end.

Through it all I believe we loved each other, fuck we were going to get married in the future but then one day came where a friend asked me the following; so how long have you been his friend? Shocked I replied with “I’m not his friend, I am his boyfriend”. This naturally shocked me so I asked his other friends who I thought knew we were together. Turns out that he told them all that he was single and that I was “a friend” and that he was single. Why he did this and why I was so stupid not to see this is beyond me but it all makes sense now. Needless to say I told him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be single anymore and that he is.

A week after it all ended I found out that while I was back in Cape Town he was sleeping with people.

Funny part is that I fell for the story of his ex cheating on him when they were in a long distance relationship when he did exactly the same to me…

Me…. Now…

Who am I now? What defines Francois as person now? What makes me stand out from the rest? Well for starters, in a lot of ways I’m a stronger individual. I am more confident in my skin i.e. I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don’t like the fact that I am happy or the fact that I might come across strong then I have one sentence for you – step the fuck out of my life. I am me and I am not changing for anyone, not now and not ever again.

I care less these days – of course work is still first priority but when it comes to a lot of things out of work and in my personal life I don’t care that much to be honest. I care about people; I do but right now at this point in my life I just don’t get attached anymore and refuse to put my heart on the line just for it to get broken again.

To sum up me as person now in a couple of words; happy, positive, enjoying life to the fullest, strong, fighting back.

The Future?

Who knows what the future will hold? Good things! Like Britney said “I’m fighting back like a karate kid”. I have the perfect opportunity to start a new chapter in my life next year and I’m going to take full advantage of it and live each second like it’s my last – no more thinking about stuff that could have been or stuff that could be. Live for now and seize the moment – CARPE DIEM

The Greatest

Thought I was standing tall. I thought I seen it all but baby I was wrong because you're the greatest. I'd walk a thousand miles but nothing's what I found, until you came around because you're the greatest.

Search high and low for love, just to find out, that it was here all along, and I know it, but I wanted it - I should've been chasing you.

And I was reaching for the stars and I didn't have to look so far because love's where you are but I didn't have a clue and now I realize that the stars are in your eyes because you always shine.

Thought everything had changed until the day you came and took away the pain. Baby you're the greatest and I always wore a frown. I never use to smile until you showed me how.

Reaching for the stars then I bumped into you and I cannot believe I was searching so long. All that I need is to look into your eyes.

Dear *****

I find myself in a situation I could have stayed out of. Don’t know how to explain but will try my best.

I am a firm believer that people come in to your life at a certain time, do what they need to and then they go out of your life. Sure this sounds harsh and can be debated for a couple of years but this is just what I feel and my seeing of all of this.

In a matter of hours, not days and not years, but hours you being the amazing person that you are climbed into my heart and I don’t know what to do.

I’m kind of freaking out here because this is not something that either of us planned and like I said we didn’t plan this and can’t even begin to think of the consequences it would have on our lives.

I can tell you how I feel at the moment and like you said last night, it makes you feel like a young school child with their first crush. We both feel something for the other one, what we feel for each other can’t be explained but it’s something special.

My brain is all over the place today, I’m thinking about you, can’t stop thinking about you and your like running around in my mind, not that I’m complaining. I’m weighing all the wrongs against the rights and the rights outweigh the wrongs by far.

I feel like that girl from Grey’s where she waits for her Mc Dreamy to choose between his wife and her and she walks up to him and tells him “pick me, I can’t tell you why you must pick me but pick me; pick me”

I don’t know what to say because my brain is just filled with all these things and I don’t know what to say or even how to put it into words so I will just quote from my favorite movie:

“See… I thought I got you figured out, long before I knew you, before I knew myself and I still can’t think of a logical reason of why we should be together but that is the reason I want to try ***** because the last time I listened to logic I built an empty castle. This is how I know ***** that I fell for you, hard, and I don’t want to get up without you.”

Again I sit speechless as I type this for you, will you read what I type here? I don’t know but ya, just the thought of you make my heart beat faster, fill my stomach with butterflies and just makes me extremely happy, something that has been escaping me over the past 3 weeks or even longer...

This doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the feelings that’s running through my body and my veins at the moment. I like you, a lot, and I can just hope that you feel the same way and that something comes from this…

Shattered Glass

As a close friend of mine would say “hmmmmm”…. This is what I am stuck with – thoughts of what to write about. I know what I want to say but putting it into words is just so damn difficult. What I want to write about is the past three weeks of my life, which in my opinion has been the hardest of my life and of this year…

Things I feel at this moment can only be described as empty and alone. I have a lot of friends and I have people that care for me but at the end of the day I still feel lonely – lonely because of what happened three weeks ago, lonely because I invested so much into one person, only to find out that it was all a lie. A whole year of my life WASTED, down the drain and I can’t get it back, not one second of it – it’s all lost now.

My friends and his friends warned me to stay away from him because he sounded like trouble and by the looks of it everyone was right. I sit and wonder why you did what you did, were it because your ex was a whore and you wanted someone to really love you like you did him and then break their heart into a million little pieces like you did with mine. One of your best friends called you a whore, not me, one of your friends which make me wonder what you did when I was in Cape Town.

I can’t seem to get you out of my system and I have tried everything that I can think of, be it alcohol, pills you name it. When I wake up, your still there in my heart, like cancer, eating away on my insides. I’m reminded of you every day, be it by your name or surname, or even someone that looks like you do. You haunt me like a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from, your face burnt into my mind like a tattoo on a piece of skin that you want removed but you can’t because it’s permanent. I just want it to end because I can’t anymore. I’m hanging by a thread and I can’t anymore.

I have a mother, like most of us do and although she is a great mother and I love her dearly but things hasn’t quite been the same since she found out I was gay (April this year). Although she says she accepts who I am I know that she doesn’t understand, accept of want me to be gay. Unfortunately for her and for all the gay haters out there. I’m gay, I’m proud of it and who I am as gay individual. Telling your child, the one you apparently love so much that he has made a fuck-up of his life and that you’re not proud of him will not make you the better person and make him love you more. It will drive him further away from you, further than he has over the past year.

Work wise I am at a peak – my peak? No I wouldn’t say so but I’m basically as far up that corporate ladder as I could possibly go. Can I go further? I could probably but working for a man that thinks he is the best and thinks that he is right and your wrong makes matters worse. You work your ass off every single day and you get told that he “can’t see what you’re doing”. It doesn’t make you feel good nor does it make you feel like you want to stay there. We probably have the highest staff turnover in all of South Africa and he still lives with this picture in his head that everyone is replaceable when they truly are not.

People don’t understand what it is to be gay or what it even means to be gay. In my opinion it’s on big misconception that gays are evil and all that kak. It makes me so angry to type about this but there is a girl I work with and me and her debate almost every day about religion and homosexuals. According to her all gay people are going to hell. My arguing point is this. Where in the bible does it say that man-on-man is evil? No where! Just because it says a man must love his wife DOES NOT make it “wrong” for men or even woman to love each other.

Depression is one evil mother fucker I battle with every single day of my life and as I am laying here typing this I am fighting it with every last inch of energy that I have left in my body. One day I will conquer everything I was done to over the past 21 years but first I need to accept myself and find peace within myself until I can move on with my life and actually start living it.

Hating Myself...

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.

Had Enough... No Really I Have Had Enough

I sit here and listening to music whilst at work and once again I find myself looking for words to type and a shit load of thoughts just rush to my head - all at once and do I know where to even start with it all? No, in all honesty I don't.

Let's start with how I feel - NUMB/DEAD is the two words that could possible begin to describe how I currently feel. Empty shell with nothing inside. Finding out that the past seven months of your life was one big lie is not something that one deals with easliy especially if you have invested so much in something that was a LIE!!!!

I quote from my favourite song at the moment:

Milk it for all it's worth, make sure you get there first

The apple of your eye, the rotten core inside

You had to have it all, well have you had enough ?

You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve

When all is said and done, I will be the one 

To leave you in your misery and hate what you've become

I dont know what to say in all fucking honesty I just need a place where I can vent and say whatever the fuck I want to help me cope with this and what I am going through because I am hurting so fucking bad that I just want to give up.

You took fucking every last piece of me. I gave you my all and you want to turn around and pretend like nothing happned and like I never existed in your life. Thank you for breaking me into a million little pieces and then walking away like I never meant a fuck to you.

To put the cherry on top of the cake - ALL your friends warned me against you and even went as far as to say that you will hurt me. Did I listen to any of them? No I did not and who got hurt? You? Fuck no!!! Me, you greedy bastard!!!

You take and you take - well guess the fuck what? I have nothing left - NOTHING! I'm not even sure I will ever be able to commit to a relationship again in my life. Because I want to? NO! But because of what you did to me!

All I can say is that Karma is a bitch and when she decides to start working you are going to be so hurt and I am not one to spread bad Karma but I hope someone you love hurts you and breaks your fucking heart into a million little pieces - like you did mine.

I don't know if what you did to me is a direct reflection of what your ex did to you but let me just say if it is then it doesn't say much about you as person, you greedy bastard!!!

I don't know what the fuck I will do when I see you again. All I can say is that I hope and pray that God will fill me with calm that I do not smash your fucking face into the wall you piece of shit!

I finish off by saying the following which is probably the most saddest part.

Even though you broke my heart into a million pieces, I still love you with every last piece...

Broken Hearted Boy

You're everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have been, but still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that? You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times when I hate you because I can't erase the times that you hurt me and put tears on my face and even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say that I know I'll be there at the end of the day.

There's something that I feel I need to say but up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still I wanna put this out.

You say you've got the most respect for me but, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart but you're the only one and yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain because I've been afraid that you would walk away. Oh, but now I don't hate you and I'm happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day.

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be. I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away without you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted boy

As I lay here on the bed I have a thousand thoughts running through my head and I just wish there was a way of getting it out of my head. My world feels like it's falling apart but I assume that's normal under these circumstances.

What I feel at this moment is hurt, pain, heart ache and so much more, not physical pain and hurt but rather emotional. I don't know who or what I have become; I don't even think I know myself anymore. All these walls that I broke down to show the real me and what I am capable of I will be rebuilding on my own, one step at a time, not because I want to but rather because I have to protect myself from getting hurt any further.

I didn't ask for constant attention 24/7, nor did I ask for a lot. All I wanted was to be noticed, made feel like I was wanted but even that was too much to ask. What we've become is not how I pictured us to be.

We've become so content on making each other jealous and trying to be better than the other one that we forgot that our relationship was falling apart and that we were drifting apart from each other. When the time came to save what was left, there was nothing that could be saved because we have already lost each other.

One just has to let go of the past to make a better future.

Lost little boy is what I am because unlike you, I will have to pick up the pieces, one by one...

When I Found You

I believe we all have one true love. Somewhere in this world, I do. When it seemed all my dreams were falling through, that’s when I found you.

I believe for every heart that whispers in the dark there’s a ray of light somewhere, shining through . It was sink or swim when the tide came in and I found myself .

When I found you I found the closest thing to heaven. Yes, in you I found the deepest love I know. I believe, yes, its true, I found myself when I found you

I believe for every door that’s closing for every heartbreak there’s hope for something new.
From the ashes rise a glimpse of paradise. Yes it flickered in your eyes. How life unfolds no one knows. I thought a love was just tingling of the skin. I felt so alone, all alone more then you could ever know. We share deeper love, sweeter love that no one will ever be able to take away.

Don't Give Up

The heart is stronger than you think, it’s like it can go through anything and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though. Sometimes you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on.

Who are we to be..questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up…

Crush

I hung up the phone tonight, and something happened for the first time deep inside. It was a rush, what a rush? Beause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me. It's just too much, just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you. You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized, and I've just got to know. Do you ever think when you're all alone. All that we can be, where this thing can go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you? Are you holding back like the way I do? because I'm trying and trying to walk away. But I know this crush ain't going away.