Shattered Glass

As a close friend of mine would say “hmmmmm”…. This is what I am stuck with – thoughts of what to write about. I know what I want to say but putting it into words is just so damn difficult. What I want to write about is the past three weeks of my life, which in my opinion has been the hardest of my life and of this year…

Things I feel at this moment can only be described as empty and alone. I have a lot of friends and I have people that care for me but at the end of the day I still feel lonely – lonely because of what happened three weeks ago, lonely because I invested so much into one person, only to find out that it was all a lie. A whole year of my life WASTED, down the drain and I can’t get it back, not one second of it – it’s all lost now.

My friends and his friends warned me to stay away from him because he sounded like trouble and by the looks of it everyone was right. I sit and wonder why you did what you did, were it because your ex was a whore and you wanted someone to really love you like you did him and then break their heart into a million little pieces like you did with mine. One of your best friends called you a whore, not me, one of your friends which make me wonder what you did when I was in Cape Town.

I can’t seem to get you out of my system and I have tried everything that I can think of, be it alcohol, pills you name it. When I wake up, your still there in my heart, like cancer, eating away on my insides. I’m reminded of you every day, be it by your name or surname, or even someone that looks like you do. You haunt me like a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from, your face burnt into my mind like a tattoo on a piece of skin that you want removed but you can’t because it’s permanent. I just want it to end because I can’t anymore. I’m hanging by a thread and I can’t anymore.

I have a mother, like most of us do and although she is a great mother and I love her dearly but things hasn’t quite been the same since she found out I was gay (April this year). Although she says she accepts who I am I know that she doesn’t understand, accept of want me to be gay. Unfortunately for her and for all the gay haters out there. I’m gay, I’m proud of it and who I am as gay individual. Telling your child, the one you apparently love so much that he has made a fuck-up of his life and that you’re not proud of him will not make you the better person and make him love you more. It will drive him further away from you, further than he has over the past year.

Work wise I am at a peak – my peak? No I wouldn’t say so but I’m basically as far up that corporate ladder as I could possibly go. Can I go further? I could probably but working for a man that thinks he is the best and thinks that he is right and your wrong makes matters worse. You work your ass off every single day and you get told that he “can’t see what you’re doing”. It doesn’t make you feel good nor does it make you feel like you want to stay there. We probably have the highest staff turnover in all of South Africa and he still lives with this picture in his head that everyone is replaceable when they truly are not.

People don’t understand what it is to be gay or what it even means to be gay. In my opinion it’s on big misconception that gays are evil and all that kak. It makes me so angry to type about this but there is a girl I work with and me and her debate almost every day about religion and homosexuals. According to her all gay people are going to hell. My arguing point is this. Where in the bible does it say that man-on-man is evil? No where! Just because it says a man must love his wife DOES NOT make it “wrong” for men or even woman to love each other.

Depression is one evil mother fucker I battle with every single day of my life and as I am laying here typing this I am fighting it with every last inch of energy that I have left in my body. One day I will conquer everything I was done to over the past 21 years but first I need to accept myself and find peace within myself until I can move on with my life and actually start living it.