Old VS New

Once again lying on my bed with nothing to do I begin to think; thinking of the person I was and the person I have become.

Where do I even begin to start? How much have I really changed as person? I don’t know but for me, as I am lying here it feels like I have done a complete 180 from the person that I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. The breakup has consumed me and turned me into this monster. I have built these walls around me that I don’t know where or when I built them. To protect myself, to keep everyone out, to not get emotionally attached to anyone because honestly, this year was one fucked up year that I do not wish to revisit;

A shitty start to the year:

I started the year single, alone and I wouldn’t say I was looking for a relationship but somehow I managed to walk myself into one; one that would ultimately start the change of who I was as person. Everything went peachy and fine up until the day I started doing drugs and my life started to spiral out of control, 99% of the time I would be so high on drugs that I can’t remember a thing. Went to work stoned, went home stoned and just basically was stoned most of the time for about 3 months (can’t really remember). 2 of my colleagues sat me down and had a open hearted chat with me about drugs and all the thing, and I will admit that I wasn’t really paying attention when they were speaking because guess what? I was stoned out of my mind. The time came where it was either sober up or lose my job. Needless to say and without elaborating too much – I sobered up and I’m clean now for the whole year.

The knight in shining armor… or not:

What would obviously amongst everyone that knows me be known as “the big heart ache” started just after I sobered up which was quite pleasant as I constantly (and still) battled depression which everyone who has ever done drugs is a bitch to cope with especially when you come of it. Met him through a friend and we instantly hit it off, we began chatting and he really crawled into my heart. I felt bad for the poor fella because he came out of a relationship where he was in a long distance relationship and the guy cheated on him and lied to him (please keep this in mind as you continue reading). We met, almost immediately entered the relationship and from there it was sunshine and roses… and a long distance relationship might I add.
R2000 a month later for 7-8 months and 2 weeks a month later and the story is different – went from being sunshine and roses to fights every second day, one not trusting the other, and ignoring each other for weeks on end.

Through it all I believe we loved each other, fuck we were going to get married in the future but then one day came where a friend asked me the following; so how long have you been his friend? Shocked I replied with “I’m not his friend, I am his boyfriend”. This naturally shocked me so I asked his other friends who I thought knew we were together. Turns out that he told them all that he was single and that I was “a friend” and that he was single. Why he did this and why I was so stupid not to see this is beyond me but it all makes sense now. Needless to say I told him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be single anymore and that he is.

A week after it all ended I found out that while I was back in Cape Town he was sleeping with people.

Funny part is that I fell for the story of his ex cheating on him when they were in a long distance relationship when he did exactly the same to me…

Me…. Now…

Who am I now? What defines Francois as person now? What makes me stand out from the rest? Well for starters, in a lot of ways I’m a stronger individual. I am more confident in my skin i.e. I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don’t like the fact that I am happy or the fact that I might come across strong then I have one sentence for you – step the fuck out of my life. I am me and I am not changing for anyone, not now and not ever again.

I care less these days – of course work is still first priority but when it comes to a lot of things out of work and in my personal life I don’t care that much to be honest. I care about people; I do but right now at this point in my life I just don’t get attached anymore and refuse to put my heart on the line just for it to get broken again.

To sum up me as person now in a couple of words; happy, positive, enjoying life to the fullest, strong, fighting back.

The Future?

Who knows what the future will hold? Good things! Like Britney said “I’m fighting back like a karate kid”. I have the perfect opportunity to start a new chapter in my life next year and I’m going to take full advantage of it and live each second like it’s my last – no more thinking about stuff that could have been or stuff that could be. Live for now and seize the moment – CARPE DIEM