Old VS New

Once again lying on my bed with nothing to do I begin to think; thinking of the person I was and the person I have become.

Where do I even begin to start? How much have I really changed as person? I don’t know but for me, as I am lying here it feels like I have done a complete 180 from the person that I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. The breakup has consumed me and turned me into this monster. I have built these walls around me that I don’t know where or when I built them. To protect myself, to keep everyone out, to not get emotionally attached to anyone because honestly, this year was one fucked up year that I do not wish to revisit;

A shitty start to the year:

I started the year single, alone and I wouldn’t say I was looking for a relationship but somehow I managed to walk myself into one; one that would ultimately start the change of who I was as person. Everything went peachy and fine up until the day I started doing drugs and my life started to spiral out of control, 99% of the time I would be so high on drugs that I can’t remember a thing. Went to work stoned, went home stoned and just basically was stoned most of the time for about 3 months (can’t really remember). 2 of my colleagues sat me down and had a open hearted chat with me about drugs and all the thing, and I will admit that I wasn’t really paying attention when they were speaking because guess what? I was stoned out of my mind. The time came where it was either sober up or lose my job. Needless to say and without elaborating too much – I sobered up and I’m clean now for the whole year.

The knight in shining armor… or not:

What would obviously amongst everyone that knows me be known as “the big heart ache” started just after I sobered up which was quite pleasant as I constantly (and still) battled depression which everyone who has ever done drugs is a bitch to cope with especially when you come of it. Met him through a friend and we instantly hit it off, we began chatting and he really crawled into my heart. I felt bad for the poor fella because he came out of a relationship where he was in a long distance relationship and the guy cheated on him and lied to him (please keep this in mind as you continue reading). We met, almost immediately entered the relationship and from there it was sunshine and roses… and a long distance relationship might I add.
R2000 a month later for 7-8 months and 2 weeks a month later and the story is different – went from being sunshine and roses to fights every second day, one not trusting the other, and ignoring each other for weeks on end.

Through it all I believe we loved each other, fuck we were going to get married in the future but then one day came where a friend asked me the following; so how long have you been his friend? Shocked I replied with “I’m not his friend, I am his boyfriend”. This naturally shocked me so I asked his other friends who I thought knew we were together. Turns out that he told them all that he was single and that I was “a friend” and that he was single. Why he did this and why I was so stupid not to see this is beyond me but it all makes sense now. Needless to say I told him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be single anymore and that he is.

A week after it all ended I found out that while I was back in Cape Town he was sleeping with people.

Funny part is that I fell for the story of his ex cheating on him when they were in a long distance relationship when he did exactly the same to me…

Me…. Now…

Who am I now? What defines Francois as person now? What makes me stand out from the rest? Well for starters, in a lot of ways I’m a stronger individual. I am more confident in my skin i.e. I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don’t like the fact that I am happy or the fact that I might come across strong then I have one sentence for you – step the fuck out of my life. I am me and I am not changing for anyone, not now and not ever again.

I care less these days – of course work is still first priority but when it comes to a lot of things out of work and in my personal life I don’t care that much to be honest. I care about people; I do but right now at this point in my life I just don’t get attached anymore and refuse to put my heart on the line just for it to get broken again.

To sum up me as person now in a couple of words; happy, positive, enjoying life to the fullest, strong, fighting back.

The Future?

Who knows what the future will hold? Good things! Like Britney said “I’m fighting back like a karate kid”. I have the perfect opportunity to start a new chapter in my life next year and I’m going to take full advantage of it and live each second like it’s my last – no more thinking about stuff that could have been or stuff that could be. Live for now and seize the moment – CARPE DIEM

The Greatest

Thought I was standing tall. I thought I seen it all but baby I was wrong because you're the greatest. I'd walk a thousand miles but nothing's what I found, until you came around because you're the greatest.

Search high and low for love, just to find out, that it was here all along, and I know it, but I wanted it - I should've been chasing you.

And I was reaching for the stars and I didn't have to look so far because love's where you are but I didn't have a clue and now I realize that the stars are in your eyes because you always shine.

Thought everything had changed until the day you came and took away the pain. Baby you're the greatest and I always wore a frown. I never use to smile until you showed me how.

Reaching for the stars then I bumped into you and I cannot believe I was searching so long. All that I need is to look into your eyes.

Dear *****

I find myself in a situation I could have stayed out of. Don’t know how to explain but will try my best.

I am a firm believer that people come in to your life at a certain time, do what they need to and then they go out of your life. Sure this sounds harsh and can be debated for a couple of years but this is just what I feel and my seeing of all of this.

In a matter of hours, not days and not years, but hours you being the amazing person that you are climbed into my heart and I don’t know what to do.

I’m kind of freaking out here because this is not something that either of us planned and like I said we didn’t plan this and can’t even begin to think of the consequences it would have on our lives.

I can tell you how I feel at the moment and like you said last night, it makes you feel like a young school child with their first crush. We both feel something for the other one, what we feel for each other can’t be explained but it’s something special.

My brain is all over the place today, I’m thinking about you, can’t stop thinking about you and your like running around in my mind, not that I’m complaining. I’m weighing all the wrongs against the rights and the rights outweigh the wrongs by far.

I feel like that girl from Grey’s where she waits for her Mc Dreamy to choose between his wife and her and she walks up to him and tells him “pick me, I can’t tell you why you must pick me but pick me; pick me”

I don’t know what to say because my brain is just filled with all these things and I don’t know what to say or even how to put it into words so I will just quote from my favorite movie:

“See… I thought I got you figured out, long before I knew you, before I knew myself and I still can’t think of a logical reason of why we should be together but that is the reason I want to try ***** because the last time I listened to logic I built an empty castle. This is how I know ***** that I fell for you, hard, and I don’t want to get up without you.”

Again I sit speechless as I type this for you, will you read what I type here? I don’t know but ya, just the thought of you make my heart beat faster, fill my stomach with butterflies and just makes me extremely happy, something that has been escaping me over the past 3 weeks or even longer...

This doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the feelings that’s running through my body and my veins at the moment. I like you, a lot, and I can just hope that you feel the same way and that something comes from this…

Shattered Glass

As a close friend of mine would say “hmmmmm”…. This is what I am stuck with – thoughts of what to write about. I know what I want to say but putting it into words is just so damn difficult. What I want to write about is the past three weeks of my life, which in my opinion has been the hardest of my life and of this year…

Things I feel at this moment can only be described as empty and alone. I have a lot of friends and I have people that care for me but at the end of the day I still feel lonely – lonely because of what happened three weeks ago, lonely because I invested so much into one person, only to find out that it was all a lie. A whole year of my life WASTED, down the drain and I can’t get it back, not one second of it – it’s all lost now.

My friends and his friends warned me to stay away from him because he sounded like trouble and by the looks of it everyone was right. I sit and wonder why you did what you did, were it because your ex was a whore and you wanted someone to really love you like you did him and then break their heart into a million little pieces like you did with mine. One of your best friends called you a whore, not me, one of your friends which make me wonder what you did when I was in Cape Town.

I can’t seem to get you out of my system and I have tried everything that I can think of, be it alcohol, pills you name it. When I wake up, your still there in my heart, like cancer, eating away on my insides. I’m reminded of you every day, be it by your name or surname, or even someone that looks like you do. You haunt me like a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from, your face burnt into my mind like a tattoo on a piece of skin that you want removed but you can’t because it’s permanent. I just want it to end because I can’t anymore. I’m hanging by a thread and I can’t anymore.

I have a mother, like most of us do and although she is a great mother and I love her dearly but things hasn’t quite been the same since she found out I was gay (April this year). Although she says she accepts who I am I know that she doesn’t understand, accept of want me to be gay. Unfortunately for her and for all the gay haters out there. I’m gay, I’m proud of it and who I am as gay individual. Telling your child, the one you apparently love so much that he has made a fuck-up of his life and that you’re not proud of him will not make you the better person and make him love you more. It will drive him further away from you, further than he has over the past year.

Work wise I am at a peak – my peak? No I wouldn’t say so but I’m basically as far up that corporate ladder as I could possibly go. Can I go further? I could probably but working for a man that thinks he is the best and thinks that he is right and your wrong makes matters worse. You work your ass off every single day and you get told that he “can’t see what you’re doing”. It doesn’t make you feel good nor does it make you feel like you want to stay there. We probably have the highest staff turnover in all of South Africa and he still lives with this picture in his head that everyone is replaceable when they truly are not.

People don’t understand what it is to be gay or what it even means to be gay. In my opinion it’s on big misconception that gays are evil and all that kak. It makes me so angry to type about this but there is a girl I work with and me and her debate almost every day about religion and homosexuals. According to her all gay people are going to hell. My arguing point is this. Where in the bible does it say that man-on-man is evil? No where! Just because it says a man must love his wife DOES NOT make it “wrong” for men or even woman to love each other.

Depression is one evil mother fucker I battle with every single day of my life and as I am laying here typing this I am fighting it with every last inch of energy that I have left in my body. One day I will conquer everything I was done to over the past 21 years but first I need to accept myself and find peace within myself until I can move on with my life and actually start living it.

Hating Myself...

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.

Had Enough... No Really I Have Had Enough

I sit here and listening to music whilst at work and once again I find myself looking for words to type and a shit load of thoughts just rush to my head - all at once and do I know where to even start with it all? No, in all honesty I don't.

Let's start with how I feel - NUMB/DEAD is the two words that could possible begin to describe how I currently feel. Empty shell with nothing inside. Finding out that the past seven months of your life was one big lie is not something that one deals with easliy especially if you have invested so much in something that was a LIE!!!!

I quote from my favourite song at the moment:

Milk it for all it's worth, make sure you get there first

The apple of your eye, the rotten core inside

You had to have it all, well have you had enough ?

You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve

When all is said and done, I will be the one 

To leave you in your misery and hate what you've become

I dont know what to say in all fucking honesty I just need a place where I can vent and say whatever the fuck I want to help me cope with this and what I am going through because I am hurting so fucking bad that I just want to give up.

You took fucking every last piece of me. I gave you my all and you want to turn around and pretend like nothing happned and like I never existed in your life. Thank you for breaking me into a million little pieces and then walking away like I never meant a fuck to you.

To put the cherry on top of the cake - ALL your friends warned me against you and even went as far as to say that you will hurt me. Did I listen to any of them? No I did not and who got hurt? You? Fuck no!!! Me, you greedy bastard!!!

You take and you take - well guess the fuck what? I have nothing left - NOTHING! I'm not even sure I will ever be able to commit to a relationship again in my life. Because I want to? NO! But because of what you did to me!

All I can say is that Karma is a bitch and when she decides to start working you are going to be so hurt and I am not one to spread bad Karma but I hope someone you love hurts you and breaks your fucking heart into a million little pieces - like you did mine.

I don't know if what you did to me is a direct reflection of what your ex did to you but let me just say if it is then it doesn't say much about you as person, you greedy bastard!!!

I don't know what the fuck I will do when I see you again. All I can say is that I hope and pray that God will fill me with calm that I do not smash your fucking face into the wall you piece of shit!

I finish off by saying the following which is probably the most saddest part.

Even though you broke my heart into a million pieces, I still love you with every last piece...

Broken Hearted Boy

You're everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have been, but still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that? You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times when I hate you because I can't erase the times that you hurt me and put tears on my face and even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say that I know I'll be there at the end of the day.

There's something that I feel I need to say but up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still I wanna put this out.

You say you've got the most respect for me but, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart but you're the only one and yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain because I've been afraid that you would walk away. Oh, but now I don't hate you and I'm happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day.

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be. I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away without you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted boy

As I lay here on the bed I have a thousand thoughts running through my head and I just wish there was a way of getting it out of my head. My world feels like it's falling apart but I assume that's normal under these circumstances.

What I feel at this moment is hurt, pain, heart ache and so much more, not physical pain and hurt but rather emotional. I don't know who or what I have become; I don't even think I know myself anymore. All these walls that I broke down to show the real me and what I am capable of I will be rebuilding on my own, one step at a time, not because I want to but rather because I have to protect myself from getting hurt any further.

I didn't ask for constant attention 24/7, nor did I ask for a lot. All I wanted was to be noticed, made feel like I was wanted but even that was too much to ask. What we've become is not how I pictured us to be.

We've become so content on making each other jealous and trying to be better than the other one that we forgot that our relationship was falling apart and that we were drifting apart from each other. When the time came to save what was left, there was nothing that could be saved because we have already lost each other.

One just has to let go of the past to make a better future.

Lost little boy is what I am because unlike you, I will have to pick up the pieces, one by one...

When I Found You

I believe we all have one true love. Somewhere in this world, I do. When it seemed all my dreams were falling through, that’s when I found you.

I believe for every heart that whispers in the dark there’s a ray of light somewhere, shining through . It was sink or swim when the tide came in and I found myself .

When I found you I found the closest thing to heaven. Yes, in you I found the deepest love I know. I believe, yes, its true, I found myself when I found you

I believe for every door that’s closing for every heartbreak there’s hope for something new.
From the ashes rise a glimpse of paradise. Yes it flickered in your eyes. How life unfolds no one knows. I thought a love was just tingling of the skin. I felt so alone, all alone more then you could ever know. We share deeper love, sweeter love that no one will ever be able to take away.

Don't Give Up

The heart is stronger than you think, it’s like it can go through anything and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though. Sometimes you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on.

Who are we to be..questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up…

Crush

I hung up the phone tonight, and something happened for the first time deep inside. It was a rush, what a rush? Beause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me. It's just too much, just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you. You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized, and I've just got to know. Do you ever think when you're all alone. All that we can be, where this thing can go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you? Are you holding back like the way I do? because I'm trying and trying to walk away. But I know this crush ain't going away.

The Weakness In Me

I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you I
gave my affection right from the start. If I have a lover who loves me how
could I break such a heart, you can still get my attention right from the start.

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough? Why do you
call me when you know I cant answer the phone? You make me lie when I
dont want to and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool. You
make me stay when I should not. Are you so strong or is the weakness
in me?

Hush

I never needed you to be strong, I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs, I never needed pain, I never needed strain, my love for you was strong enough, you should have known I never needed you for judgements.

I never needed you to question what I spent. I never asked for help, I take care of myself. I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me... conversations... There isn't anything for you to say and my eyes - look at me and listen to me because I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word - hush. There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer. I don't want you, there's nothing left to say.

I never needed your corrections on everything from how I act to what I say. I never needed words, I never needed hurt and I never needed you to be there every day.

Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me, but I can wait
I can wait forever. When you call my heart stops beating. When you're gone it won't stop bleeding. I can wait forever.

When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away, so I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away and I can't lie. Every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

It's like every time I turn around I see your face the thing I miss the most is waking up next to you. When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay and I can't lie but every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

I know it feels like forever. I guess that's just the price I got to pay. But when I come back home to feel your touch. Makes it better...

Can't find words to say yet I keep on speaking

So I sit here - nothing, absolutaley nothing is going through my mind. So numb already, find myself feeling numb and dispondant a lot lately but don't know why.

Wondering what is going on with me lately - kind of don't know who I am anymore. Everyone wants a piece but I can only give so much.

Here I Sit...

So here I sit in my room, stretched out on my bed with my laptop laying infront of me as I type this blog. It's cold outside and raining. Had such a beautiful day yesterday and to wake up this morning and hear that it's raining outside is not a nice feeling. I wonder if Summer will ever come to Cape Town?

I had so much time on my hands this weekend to just think about everything and take everything in consideration and put most of what I call my "life" into perspective. What have I done? Created order? Made sence of everything? All in all I just feel like I confused the living shit out of myself this weekend. Nothing in this world is solid and signed in ink as garuantee that it will happen.

I turn on my back and try to look deep inside myself to find some words to type as I am quickly running out of words... The only thing that keeps crossing my mind is the following... How much have I changed in the past year? If there is one thing I can say it is that I'm getting control of my depression. I'm more understanding of people and what people have to say where as in the past I would just tell them to fuck off and not bother what they have to say.

My group of friends are split into two groups. Those who like what or shall I say who I have become, and those who hate the person I have become... Those who prefer me being depressed and those who like to see me happy... Those who prefer me with no self confidence and those who like my new found self confidence... Those who like it when I allow people to walk over me and those who like it when I stand up for myself... Those who like seeing me when I fall to the ground and those who help me up from the ground...

I have reached a stage in my life where I prioritize everything and I mean EVERYTHING! If your worth it then I will fight for you, otherwise you can take the high road which means your not worth an ounce of my energy...

Do I like the person I have become? I don't know yet. I really wish I could tell you but I can't. It's all too new for me. Too long I have sat in the corner and let life pass me by... Not anymore... I'm living my life and not letting my life live me...

When My Time Comes

I dreamt I was missing and you were so scared, but no one would listen because no one else cared. After my dreaming I woke with this fear - What am I leaving? When I'm done here? So if you're asking me I want you to know the following.

When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory.

Don't be afraid. I've taken my beating. I've shared what I've made. I'm strong on the surface but not all the way through. I've never been perfect.

And We Say...

To every broken heart out there, love was once a part, but now it's disappeared. I was told that it's all part of the choices that you make even when you think you're right. You have to give in order to take.

I wonder if you're listening in, picking up on the signals sent back from within. Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on. Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here.

But there's still tomorrow so forget the sorrow. I will be on the last train home and watch it pass the day as it fades away.

Can't Break Down...

Now I know I can handle this. I close my mouth and clench my fist. I've lived this day in a thousand ways. I'm so damn frustrated. Losing breath and now I'm shaking. Gotta keep myself from breaking down.

Blocked it out for long enough. Got really good at playing rough now. I've been prepared and not really cared, but being brave is getting tough. Chin don't start to quiver, hands now don't you shiver, I got to keep myself from breaking down,

There's so much I wanna say, but this lump in my throat makes me walk away...

Tear don't you fall, eyes don't you cry. I need to get me round this corner. I can't break down. Pride don't cave in, head don't let go. While I'm open and you can read me - I can't break down.

So What

I got a brand new attitude

And i'm gonna wear it tonight

I wanna get in trouble

I wanna start a fight

What if this song's on the radio

I'm gonna get in trouble

My ex will start a fight

I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine

Sprakeloos

Ik leg hier op mijn bed, het denken aan woorden aan type. De muziek vernietigt op de achtergrond - op de een of andere manier en op één of andere bizarre manier vind ik kalmte en kalmte door dit alles.

Sluitend mijn ogen en voorstellend die langs het strand, met een kleine windvlaag van wind loopt die door mijn dik haar blaast. Voelend het zand tussen mijn tenen - zulk een akwardsensatie. Het is waarschijnlijk één van de enige twee plaatsen dat ik veilig en kalm voel wanneer ik vanaf alles moet krijgen en enkel mijn hoofd ontruimen.

Ik schuin denk aan woorden af om te typen - mijn hersenen schijnen weg ergens worden gesloten. Kan niet aan woord denken om te typen omdat op dit ogenblik de woorden zelf niet kunnen beschrijven hoe ik voel.

Sorry

What I thought wasn't mine. In the light it was a one of a kind, a precious pearl, When I wanted to cry I couldn't because I wasn't allowed.

What I thought wasn't all so innocent was a delicate doll of porcelain. When I wanted to call you and ask you for help I stopped myself.

What I thought was a dream, a mirage was as real as it seemed - a privilege. When I wanted to tell you; I made a mistake - I walked away.

Gomenasai. I never needed a friend, like I do now.

The Time Is Now!

Well you done me and you bet I felt it, I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted. I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back before the cool done run out. I'll be giving it my bestest because nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention. I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.

Well open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans and damn you're free. Look into your heart and you'll find love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing. We're just one big family and it's our God-forsaken right to be loved.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer. My breath fogged up the glass and so I drew a new face and laughed. I guess what I am saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do - our name is our virtue.

I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait, I'm sure. There's no need to complicate because our time is short.

Progress for the sake of happiness...

If I lay hereIf I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

All that I am

All that I ever was

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it until I let go
Gave into love
And watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide,
Face to the sun

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life

Breaking Free....

Feel free right now, going do what you want to do.Can't let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we. No time for moping around, are you kidding? And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning. It's been a long week, I put in my hardest. Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right.

Feels so good, when you're doing all the things that you want to do. Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new. Keep your head up high. In yourself, believe in you, believe in me. Having a really good time, I'm not complaining. And I'm still going to wear a smile even if it's raining. I got to enjoy myself regardless. I appreciate life, I'm so glad I got mine.

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me. When I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at a time in my life. my head on straight, I got my vibe right.

What do you see?

What do you see when you look into my eyes?

Failing . . .

What does one do when you have lost the will to live?

For people it's easy to say "Pick yourself up from the ground and fight back" I can't do that. Not anymore. Fighting for over a year too just be happy.

I don't expect things to fall into my lap but after such a long time I would have expected to see something more than just failures, one after the other.

I have nothing to show but failures. Yeah I'm most probably bringing myself down in the process and the whole thinking postive thing just isn't working for me anymore because there is nothing be be positive about.

I have attempted to take my life on so many occasions that I lost count but for one reason of another I never am able to succeed in what I do. See I even fail in taking my own life.

Little Mr Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night? Everything is such a blur, it didn't come out right. All of a sudden it's cold and we're falling apart. No this can't be please don't leave me alone in the dark.

I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it. Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate. A little bit possessive, little mister obsessive, can't get over it.

I have never been a fan of long goodbye's. I'm at the finishing line and you're just way too far behind. In the morning, I got in the fight with myself and I got the bruises to prove it.

Now it's like a fairy tale without a happy ending, but then again maybe we are just pretending. Why does it have to be so unfair?

Change Part 2

Time for a change. Long overdue but much needed.

Only I will now while I waited until now for it too happen - rather late than never I guess.

Baby you should have told me because now I'm torn apart. I never thought you'd do that - eveything is gone. I've almost got rid of all the pain but the only thing I've left to say is how could you leave me so damaged?

Feeling . . .

Time now is 3:30 . . . I sit here in the office, music blasting my ears to shit but at least I don't have to listen to the people moaning and groaning . . .

Have stomach pain - I think I might have eaten to much today - I feel like a glutton today. Had 4 bottles of Coke today - can feel it affecting me but not to the extent that it used to. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head - I should really find my glasses and start wearing them . . .

My brain so full of useless shit today that it's not even funny - so much to concentrate on.

Feeling numb today again - noticed lately that I feel despondent and just developed a attitude of "dont care" . . .

I will come right I keep telling myself . . . I think it's the first step towards making your life better that's the hardest to do . . .

Such a stunning song it is that Shayne Ward sings in "What About Me". Some of the lyrics goes like this . . . . .

He gets pushed around

Knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says...

What about me

It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live

But you just take more then you give

Life...

I have always been a firm believer that life as we now it happens when you least expect it. Fuck if I have to take the past year alone and ask myself how many times life happned to me I would probably lose count.

Every action, every descision, every thought is a stepping stone in what we become as individuals. Sometimes we feel down and low and like you can't go on anymore but when in reality things come across our paths that are meant to test us, meant to break us, meant to make us stronger.

No one can sort out the issues that we experience. One has to find the answers and solutions by one self. A friend said the other day to have patience is the best thing to do in such turbulant times. Things doesn't make sence at the moment but they will eventually.

It's not how you handle life - it's how you pick yourself up from the blows that life deals you.

Tears are forming in my eyes, a storm is warning in the sky. The end of the world it seems. I bend down and I fall on my knees and I'll get back on my feet.

I was always playin' hard, I never could let down my guard, no, and if I can't win, if I never give in to that voice within it's saying "pick up your chin".

I take my hesitance and my self-defense and leave them behind, it's only life. I don't have to be so afraid to face every day. I have to take my time and hold on tight. I musn't look away or lose faith because it's only life.

A collection of things...

I’ve never been this accountable-less and within. I’ve never known focusless-ness on any form. I’ve never had this lack of ache for dalliance.To let go and let God in ways I have never even imagined.

These are not times for the weak of heart. These are the days of raw despondence. I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

One day I’ll find relief. I’ll be arrived and I’ll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends. I have been running so sweaty my whole life. Urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time - of being forever incomplete.

Ever unfolding. Ever expanding. Ever adventurous and torturous, but never done. One day, I will speak freely and I’ll be less afraid.

Reborn and shivering. Spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing. This faint and shaky hour. Gun shy and quivering. Timid, without a hand. Feign brave with steel intent. Little and hardly here.

Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one. Not much making sense just yet - I’m faking it, 'til I’m pseudo making it.

At Last - A Song I Can Truly Relate To...

Something so benign for construed as cruelty

Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect

I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

This shit’s making me crazy

The way you nullify what’s in my head

You say one thing do another

And argue that’s not what you did

Your way’s making me mental

How you filter as skewed interpret

I swear you won’t be happy til

I am bound in a straitjacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sieve that can’t hear me

You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body

One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

Grand dissonance

The strings of my puppet are cut

The end of an era

Your discrediting’s lost my consent

Untitled - Take 2

Baby I love you. You are my life, my happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side to my relation and connection to the sun with you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome. You are my raindrops, I am the sea. With you and God, who's the sunlight I'll bloom and grow so beautifully. Baby I'm so proud, proud to be your man. You make the confusion go all away from this cold and messed up world.

'Cause years before I became who I am, baby, you were my man, I know it ain't easy, easy loving me. I appreciate the love and dedication. From you to me. And I see my whole future in your eyes. The thought of all my love for you sometimes makes me wanna cry. I have realized all my blessings. I'm grateful to have you by my side.

And Once Again Life Happens...

I sit here again in the office thinking about all the shit that has happned over the past couple of days. Let's just say that things started to spiral out of control and now I'm taking charge of it just to get some sort of control.

I don't know what to do in all honesty - this is probably the first time in my entire life that I don't know to approach a situation because no matter which way I approach it I still end up back at square one.

Numerous people have told me what to do and how to approach the situation but what do I do? Do I listen to them? Don't I?

At the end of the day the descision is mine. I don't know what to do. Being hit by a train would be an easy answer but unfortunately I am faced with life at the moment and I must deal with it.

When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied
You know that I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely

Energy...

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory

Cuz I put too much energy in him and me

Can't wait til I get through this phase

Cuz it's killing me too bad we can't re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he's here with me

It's hard to believe i'm still lonely

Chances fading now, patience running out

This ain't how it's supposed to be

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity

Could keep your feet off the ground when you were with me

How can two be as one and become so divided now

There's no use hiding from the misery

Such a mystery when he's here with me

It's hard to believe i'm still lonely

Now I can feel you're changin me

And I can't afford to slip much further

From the person I was meant to be

I'm not afraid to walk alone

Not giving up on moving on

Before it gets too deep...

Cold Shoulder

You say it's all in my head

And the things

I think just don't make sense

So where you been then?

Don't go all coy

Don't turn it round on me like it's my fault

See I can see that look in your eyes

The one that shoots me each and every time

These days when I see you

You make it look like see-through

Do tell me why you waste our time

When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied

You know I know just how you feel

I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

Time and time again, I play the role of fool

Even in the daylight when you

Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find

Though I do know how you play

You shower me with words made of knives

Break The Dawn....

Oh there's somethin' bout the skylight tonight

Something that makes me know everythin's gon' be alright

There's somethin' in the way that the stars align

There's not a single moment I'mma pass by

The hour's now

The base is loud

The disco lights Shinin' through the crowd

We're holdin' time in our hands and it stops when we say

We say And we ain’t stoppin' 'til the morning light

We gotta hold back the sun, don't let it come

Ain't stoppin' for no one

The night is young

Don't let them turn on the lights

Let us decide when they play that last song

The night is done

When we break the dawn

Oh there somethin' on the surface right now

Somethin' the keeps me movin' diggin' deeper down

So I just let the speakers speak to me

Vibrations movin' on the floor all around

The night is done

When we break the dawn

The daylight scene never hurt nobody

And if the DJ decides there ain't no more party

'Cause we're turnin' when we're good and ready

We step outside Til the sunrise

Wait up and let me...

We ain't goin' nowhere 'til we good and ready

Im Blogging Again.........

Sitting in the office now - had a chat with Louw on the balcony and just taking it slow until the boss comes in.

Thinking back at the weekend which was actually a wonderful weekend. So much happned. Made new friends which for me is quite an accomplishment as I find it very difficult to make friends - never once did I feel like I was being judged. Wonderful group of people they are.

Conversations that could go on for hours and conversations that never ceases to amaze me. Where were these people? Right in front of me the whole time I guess but I was too blind/scared to approach or acknowledge.

My eyes went open last night - by open I mean lets just say that the lights went on. Two and two was put together. I saw things differently or from a different perspective - all of this happned over a cup of tea and a cigarette - can you believe it?

I wouldn't say that my brain is about to explode because that would be me being a bit over dramatic but imagine that your being pulled from the left to the right non-stop and then at the same time pressure is being applied from let me count 1.....2.....3.... sides which doesn't make the pulling that much better - it just puts alot of unneccesary strain on me.

I have so much questions - non of which are answered... How do I get these answers? Do I just plain outright ask them or do I leave them so that life will eventually answer them.

Looks like life is handing me another curve ball. Will I be able to dodge this one or will it hit me straight in the face?

This is me for now... Over and out...

Denial

If you read the lyrics below whilst in the wrong frame of mind you will completely mis interpret what is actually being said.... So if your not in the right frame of mind don't read

Somewhere in the back of my mind

Secretly I know you will find

Me amongst the blushing and glow

Deep beyond the things I don't show

Mystery's a beautiful thing

What a gift a man can bring

Never let it out just like that

Let him slowly figure it out

How can a flower bloom

Just over a day?

And at night

You gotta let the water drain in

I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you

I wasn't supposed to know the things

I knew It wasn't till

I looked into the mirror

You were like a power of nature

Telepathic beautiful creature

Understanding all of my weakness

Patient, loving, knowing you'd reach it

Cynical and hurt was just me

You were never supposed to be

Part of what I would call amazing

Took so long to finally see

How can a flower bloom

Just over a day? And at night

Bla Bla Bla

I never been a fan of long goodbye's
I'm at the finishing line and you're just way too far behind
I got the bruises to prove it
Then I swallowed your words and I spit them right back out

Two Strangers

I never thought that I'd see the day that lonliness would lose. I always thought whould never get to choose. I always thought I would be the one the luck would leave alone until the day I heard your voice on my phone.

I have never seen your face but I always hear your voice, and although we have never met it feels like I have known you for a lifetime.

We're just two strangers but we can feel each others hearts in a world thats torn apart we will keep loving till the end

I never thought the day would come that I would find a friend, a special friend on whom I could depend. So tired of seeing couples do the things that lovers do. That will all seem far away when I wake up next to you. And all those night that felt so long will turn into a longer day
I thank the Lord for sending you - I can't believe you came my way.

The world will keep on breaking it's promises but i will keep my promises to you. No matter what the darkness deals us we will stand together.

The good old times...

Thinking back on this Sunday afternoon...

If you could choose any age to go back to - which age would it be?

I would choose the age of 10. The reason for that is that was when I was innocence personified. I'm laughing as I am typing this but yes - At that age of 10 I had no worries. Not a care in the world.

But now at the age of 20 I have so much to worry about:

• Will I have enough money to last me throughout the month?
• Will I be able to pay all my debt?
• Will I meet my hectic deadlines?

I found some very old CD's of mine going back to like 1998 and I am astounded at the music I listened to.

There is S Club 7, Britney's first CD and many more I was laughing all the way as I went through the CD's.

It sometimes makes you realise how fragile life is and quickly time passes.

Did I do stuff in the past that I regret? Yes I did.

Do I wish that I can take time back and go change the stuff? No I don't because that would change me as the person that I am today.

To sum everything up. Life is short - too short. Embrace everyday. Live everyday to the fullest. Forget the past. The past happned. There is nothing that you can change about it. Do not live in the future because then you try to make stuff work that hasn't even happned yet.

Reviewing....

In my room again... taking everything that happened this week and just thinking about it whether it's now good or bad. It really doesn't matter because one way or the other we are going to be forced to deal with it whether we like it or not.

This week was crappy and good at the same time. Had a nervous breakdown - again. Recovered and now I am back on track.

Keywords that sum up this past week:

confusion, mistakes, regret, hate, love, denial, acceptance, sorting out, fight, apologies