Feeling . . .

Time now is 3:30 . . . I sit here in the office, music blasting my ears to shit but at least I don't have to listen to the people moaning and groaning . . .

Have stomach pain - I think I might have eaten to much today - I feel like a glutton today. Had 4 bottles of Coke today - can feel it affecting me but not to the extent that it used to. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head - I should really find my glasses and start wearing them . . .

My brain so full of useless shit today that it's not even funny - so much to concentrate on.

Feeling numb today again - noticed lately that I feel despondent and just developed a attitude of "dont care" . . .

I will come right I keep telling myself . . . I think it's the first step towards making your life better that's the hardest to do . . .

Such a stunning song it is that Shayne Ward sings in "What About Me". Some of the lyrics goes like this . . . . .

He gets pushed around

Knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says...

What about me

It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live

But you just take more then you give

Life...

I have always been a firm believer that life as we now it happens when you least expect it. Fuck if I have to take the past year alone and ask myself how many times life happned to me I would probably lose count.

Every action, every descision, every thought is a stepping stone in what we become as individuals. Sometimes we feel down and low and like you can't go on anymore but when in reality things come across our paths that are meant to test us, meant to break us, meant to make us stronger.

No one can sort out the issues that we experience. One has to find the answers and solutions by one self. A friend said the other day to have patience is the best thing to do in such turbulant times. Things doesn't make sence at the moment but they will eventually.

It's not how you handle life - it's how you pick yourself up from the blows that life deals you.

Tears are forming in my eyes, a storm is warning in the sky. The end of the world it seems. I bend down and I fall on my knees and I'll get back on my feet.

I was always playin' hard, I never could let down my guard, no, and if I can't win, if I never give in to that voice within it's saying "pick up your chin".

I take my hesitance and my self-defense and leave them behind, it's only life. I don't have to be so afraid to face every day. I have to take my time and hold on tight. I musn't look away or lose faith because it's only life.

A collection of things...

I’ve never been this accountable-less and within. I’ve never known focusless-ness on any form. I’ve never had this lack of ache for dalliance.To let go and let God in ways I have never even imagined.

These are not times for the weak of heart. These are the days of raw despondence. I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

One day I’ll find relief. I’ll be arrived and I’ll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends. I have been running so sweaty my whole life. Urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time - of being forever incomplete.

Ever unfolding. Ever expanding. Ever adventurous and torturous, but never done. One day, I will speak freely and I’ll be less afraid.

Reborn and shivering. Spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing. This faint and shaky hour. Gun shy and quivering. Timid, without a hand. Feign brave with steel intent. Little and hardly here.

Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one. Not much making sense just yet - I’m faking it, 'til I’m pseudo making it.

At Last - A Song I Can Truly Relate To...

Something so benign for construed as cruelty

Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect

I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

This shit’s making me crazy

The way you nullify what’s in my head

You say one thing do another

And argue that’s not what you did

Your way’s making me mental

How you filter as skewed interpret

I swear you won’t be happy til

I am bound in a straitjacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sieve that can’t hear me

You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body

One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

Grand dissonance

The strings of my puppet are cut

The end of an era

Your discrediting’s lost my consent

Untitled - Take 2

Baby I love you. You are my life, my happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side to my relation and connection to the sun with you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome. You are my raindrops, I am the sea. With you and God, who's the sunlight I'll bloom and grow so beautifully. Baby I'm so proud, proud to be your man. You make the confusion go all away from this cold and messed up world.

'Cause years before I became who I am, baby, you were my man, I know it ain't easy, easy loving me. I appreciate the love and dedication. From you to me. And I see my whole future in your eyes. The thought of all my love for you sometimes makes me wanna cry. I have realized all my blessings. I'm grateful to have you by my side.

And Once Again Life Happens...

I sit here again in the office thinking about all the shit that has happned over the past couple of days. Let's just say that things started to spiral out of control and now I'm taking charge of it just to get some sort of control.

I don't know what to do in all honesty - this is probably the first time in my entire life that I don't know to approach a situation because no matter which way I approach it I still end up back at square one.

Numerous people have told me what to do and how to approach the situation but what do I do? Do I listen to them? Don't I?

At the end of the day the descision is mine. I don't know what to do. Being hit by a train would be an easy answer but unfortunately I am faced with life at the moment and I must deal with it.

When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied
You know that I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely

Energy...

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory

Cuz I put too much energy in him and me

Can't wait til I get through this phase

Cuz it's killing me too bad we can't re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he's here with me

It's hard to believe i'm still lonely

Chances fading now, patience running out

This ain't how it's supposed to be

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity

Could keep your feet off the ground when you were with me

How can two be as one and become so divided now

There's no use hiding from the misery

Such a mystery when he's here with me

It's hard to believe i'm still lonely

Now I can feel you're changin me

And I can't afford to slip much further

From the person I was meant to be

I'm not afraid to walk alone

Not giving up on moving on

Before it gets too deep...

Cold Shoulder

You say it's all in my head

And the things

I think just don't make sense

So where you been then?

Don't go all coy

Don't turn it round on me like it's my fault

See I can see that look in your eyes

The one that shoots me each and every time

These days when I see you

You make it look like see-through

Do tell me why you waste our time

When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied

You know I know just how you feel

I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

Time and time again, I play the role of fool

Even in the daylight when you

Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find

Though I do know how you play

You shower me with words made of knives

Break The Dawn....

Oh there's somethin' bout the skylight tonight

Something that makes me know everythin's gon' be alright

There's somethin' in the way that the stars align

There's not a single moment I'mma pass by

The hour's now

The base is loud

The disco lights Shinin' through the crowd

We're holdin' time in our hands and it stops when we say

We say And we ain’t stoppin' 'til the morning light

We gotta hold back the sun, don't let it come

Ain't stoppin' for no one

The night is young

Don't let them turn on the lights

Let us decide when they play that last song

The night is done

When we break the dawn

Oh there somethin' on the surface right now

Somethin' the keeps me movin' diggin' deeper down

So I just let the speakers speak to me

Vibrations movin' on the floor all around

The night is done

When we break the dawn

The daylight scene never hurt nobody

And if the DJ decides there ain't no more party

'Cause we're turnin' when we're good and ready

We step outside Til the sunrise

Wait up and let me...

We ain't goin' nowhere 'til we good and ready

Im Blogging Again.........

Sitting in the office now - had a chat with Louw on the balcony and just taking it slow until the boss comes in.

Thinking back at the weekend which was actually a wonderful weekend. So much happned. Made new friends which for me is quite an accomplishment as I find it very difficult to make friends - never once did I feel like I was being judged. Wonderful group of people they are.

Conversations that could go on for hours and conversations that never ceases to amaze me. Where were these people? Right in front of me the whole time I guess but I was too blind/scared to approach or acknowledge.

My eyes went open last night - by open I mean lets just say that the lights went on. Two and two was put together. I saw things differently or from a different perspective - all of this happned over a cup of tea and a cigarette - can you believe it?

I wouldn't say that my brain is about to explode because that would be me being a bit over dramatic but imagine that your being pulled from the left to the right non-stop and then at the same time pressure is being applied from let me count 1.....2.....3.... sides which doesn't make the pulling that much better - it just puts alot of unneccesary strain on me.

I have so much questions - non of which are answered... How do I get these answers? Do I just plain outright ask them or do I leave them so that life will eventually answer them.

Looks like life is handing me another curve ball. Will I be able to dodge this one or will it hit me straight in the face?

This is me for now... Over and out...

Denial

If you read the lyrics below whilst in the wrong frame of mind you will completely mis interpret what is actually being said.... So if your not in the right frame of mind don't read

Somewhere in the back of my mind

Secretly I know you will find

Me amongst the blushing and glow

Deep beyond the things I don't show

Mystery's a beautiful thing

What a gift a man can bring

Never let it out just like that

Let him slowly figure it out

How can a flower bloom

Just over a day?

And at night

You gotta let the water drain in

I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you

I wasn't supposed to know the things

I knew It wasn't till

I looked into the mirror

You were like a power of nature

Telepathic beautiful creature

Understanding all of my weakness

Patient, loving, knowing you'd reach it

Cynical and hurt was just me

You were never supposed to be

Part of what I would call amazing

Took so long to finally see

How can a flower bloom

Just over a day? And at night

Bla Bla Bla

I never been a fan of long goodbye's
I'm at the finishing line and you're just way too far behind
I got the bruises to prove it
Then I swallowed your words and I spit them right back out

Two Strangers

I never thought that I'd see the day that lonliness would lose. I always thought whould never get to choose. I always thought I would be the one the luck would leave alone until the day I heard your voice on my phone.

I have never seen your face but I always hear your voice, and although we have never met it feels like I have known you for a lifetime.

We're just two strangers but we can feel each others hearts in a world thats torn apart we will keep loving till the end

I never thought the day would come that I would find a friend, a special friend on whom I could depend. So tired of seeing couples do the things that lovers do. That will all seem far away when I wake up next to you. And all those night that felt so long will turn into a longer day
I thank the Lord for sending you - I can't believe you came my way.

The world will keep on breaking it's promises but i will keep my promises to you. No matter what the darkness deals us we will stand together.

The good old times...

Thinking back on this Sunday afternoon...

If you could choose any age to go back to - which age would it be?

I would choose the age of 10. The reason for that is that was when I was innocence personified. I'm laughing as I am typing this but yes - At that age of 10 I had no worries. Not a care in the world.

But now at the age of 20 I have so much to worry about:

• Will I have enough money to last me throughout the month?
• Will I be able to pay all my debt?
• Will I meet my hectic deadlines?

I found some very old CD's of mine going back to like 1998 and I am astounded at the music I listened to.

There is S Club 7, Britney's first CD and many more I was laughing all the way as I went through the CD's.

It sometimes makes you realise how fragile life is and quickly time passes.

Did I do stuff in the past that I regret? Yes I did.

Do I wish that I can take time back and go change the stuff? No I don't because that would change me as the person that I am today.

To sum everything up. Life is short - too short. Embrace everyday. Live everyday to the fullest. Forget the past. The past happned. There is nothing that you can change about it. Do not live in the future because then you try to make stuff work that hasn't even happned yet.

Reviewing....

In my room again... taking everything that happened this week and just thinking about it whether it's now good or bad. It really doesn't matter because one way or the other we are going to be forced to deal with it whether we like it or not.

This week was crappy and good at the same time. Had a nervous breakdown - again. Recovered and now I am back on track.

Keywords that sum up this past week:

confusion, mistakes, regret, hate, love, denial, acceptance, sorting out, fight, apologies

.......

emotionally i'm not strong enough and can't cope with alot of things

It's been a long while coming....

Well what's news on my side? Busy writing my book although I'm suffering from writers block at the moments.

Friendship wise it's going good.

In all other aspects of my life it's going a bit fucked up. Thats about as much as I will elaborate...

If a picture says a thousand words then what would the picture above say. I took that picture last night. Everything was getting too much for me yet again.... How do I allow this to happen? Am I that weak?

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been

And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing

So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes

I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow
If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know

Things I've Learnt

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how badit seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life...'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt onboth hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if youfocus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work anddoing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, Iusually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!

Say...

Baby tell me, do I look like the kind of boy that you wanna take home and wanna make me your own? Do you even know what I like? Just what I'm living for, what I adore? Baby, take the time to realize, I'm not the kind to sacrifice the way I am. So if you wanna be my man baby you got to walk a mile in my shoes. Do me right or your through. Can't you see that if you wanna stay around, I'm telling you, you got to figure me out. Boy, take your time or you'll lose. This is my game, my rules, and I can see, obviously, you don't know what it's like to be me.

Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but, nothing's turned out how you wanted. Do you know what your fate is? And are you trying to shake it? You're doing your best and your best look - you're praying that you make it. I said I all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head.

Since there's no more you and me. It's time I let you go so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you. Thought I couldn't live without you. It's gonna hurt when it heals tooIt'll all get better in time. I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to .

Whenever the end is. Do you think you can see it? Well, until you get there. Go on, go ahead and scream it! Just say it!

Black & White

Why do I keep blaming myself when something doesn't work out?

Why do I make myself feel worthless?

It's just not worth it. Absolutaley not worth it. I make myself depressed and worthless. Why? Not because I want to but because indirectly people make me feel that I am worthless. I don't even think they notice it.

You may have the body, the self confidence, the looks or you may even be an extrovert but I am not one of those. Been hurt far to much to be self confident or feel good about the way that I look.

I probably need 4 hands to count the number of people that did me wrong this past 3 years (10 of which was from this year alone).

You get the people that lead you on and when you want things to go to a certain direction they totally freak out and drop the VERY OLD & TIRED "we should just be friends" line.

It's such a fucking old line. I just don't and probably will never be able to understand why people are afraid. What makes a 20-year old see things differently than older people?

Just because one person did you wrong doesn't mean that the whole world will do you wrong.... WAIT.... In Cape Town the story is different... If one person does you wrong then 90% of Cape Town will... Been there, done that and I got the T-Shirt that says "POES" on it.

Come to think of it... A book will be a good idea...... What shall I call it?

• Let's blame it on the past...
• Will the future be brighter than my shitty past?
• Capetonian's Guide to all the fuckers in Cape Town
• What not to do...
• Are all men assholes? I know so...
• Let's just be friends.... The tale of a 20 year old