Never Again

Two words have never stuck by me so much than those two have but why they have stuck to me is another reason. Am even getting a tattoo with those exact words on my wrist. So why is it that these two words have such significant meaning to me and what is it all about ... Let me list most of my “Never Again”;

Never Again will I allow myself to underestimate my self-worth for now I know what I am worth and will not settle for less.

Never Again will I allow someone to tell me “You cannot” because I know that “I can”

Never Again will I believe when someone says something without evidence or without proving it for I know now that saying without proof/evidence is like saying that the world is going to end tomorrow.

Never Again will I wait. I know now that I have better changes sitting in the middle of a drought and wait for the rain than to wait for someone.

Never Again will I doubt myself because me doubting myself is me telling myself that I cannot be the best that I can.

Never Again will I be afraid to say what is on my mind for far too long people have walked over me and I have allowed it. To here and no more.

Never Again will I settle for second best. I deserve the best.

Never Again will I be someone else for someone else. I’m my own person and if that is not enough then; it was nice knowing you but there is the door.

Never Again will I hurt myself because of what a person has done to me. They obviously don't give a fuck so why should I?

Never Again will I allow loneliness consume me for it’s in loneliness that we discover our true selves.

Thoughts from my balcony

In life we have to choose. Choose what we win and choose what we lose because as we all know – we can’t have it all. You will get hurt, you will break down and the world will throw you off course and knock you off your feet. It’s all part of this thing called life. So what do we do? Do we run and hide or do we face life, regardless of what obstacles it throws in our way.

Am almost afraid to say this but I am proud of the man I’ve turned into since I’ve been in Johannesburg which to my surprise is almost a year. Have learnt so much and been through so much, some sad times, some great times but overall one excellent journey. The things I’ve learnt whilst I’ve been here, although having experienced most of it alone, I don’t mind because I know that I would have never have gotten the chance to experience it was I still in Cape Town under my parents safe guard and always protecting me.

Had my heart broken once again but to my surprise I picked myself back up much quicker as opposed to the previous time. Like they always say - Things happen for a reason. It’s like a chess game and we are all pieces on the board.

Through it all I’ve become a much stronger person and regardless of what people tell one and what you may think. We as humans are beyond strong and can almost overcome anything.

Some of the saddest things I’ve experienced so far this year were:

- Being in love alone
- Although having your heart shattered into a million pieces you still love that person with every last piece
- Suffering and worrying what you will eat the next night and if you will have enough money.
- Becoming a recluse
- That only 2% of the gay community is actually worth my time
- Got drunk

BUT some of the best things I’ve experienced were:
- Conquering my fear of heights
- Making myself happy and not relying on someone else to give it to me.
- Getting a new job where I am appreciated
- Getting out of my uptight skin and went clubbing and danced for the FIRST time ever ...
- Got drunk
- Got my own place :) :) :) :)
- Bought my own car :) :) :) :)

That is just some of the best and negative things I’ve been through this year and I know that this will not be the last but I am prepared.

We just have to be aware of how we approach situations and not just look at it will tunnel like vision. We have to see it from different perspectives because assuming is making an ASS out of U and ME.
I’ve accepted myself, where I am and where I am going and let’s just say right now at this point in my life I am fulfilled and happy and things couldn’t be going better ...

Over and done with …

Funny how life changes and you realize and find out things that, thinking back now you should have realized weren’t right.

Yes Mr, Yes YOU! I’m speaking to you. Even though we may have not been together for long you still had a huge impact on my life and what you did could possibly be described as the most heart breaking of it all. Fuck cheating and whoring around.

Now I must admit, I really thought this was it but now, today in fact, I have realized once more that you played with me and played with my heart … a game of chess you can call it … check mate – I think I lost, NO, now I know I lost and amongst it all I still manage to find hope, still manage to believe in this thing called love …

I’m losing my grip and although it is fucking hard to hold on to my dignity, my belief and just everything I stand for I will still manage to hold on - of that you can be sure.

Broke me down and tore my feelings out, broke me down and molded me into what you believed to be the perfect boyfriend. I’m sorry to say but I’m not perfect and neither are you. The only difference between us is that I am not afraid of the truth because I stare at it every morning in the mirror … You on the other hand are still in denial being what other people want you to be. How vain and self centered can you be.

As hard as it is for me to type this and even find word I somehow manage to … Just think that I have had more than enough time to think of it all and finally plucked up enough courage to tell you to go fuck yourself.

You had a hold on me, but now, today, I break these chains, I’m nothing of you anymore … I close this door today knowing it’s me that makes me happy, me that makes me complete. How stupid could I be to think that you would make my life complete. I guess it’s what people refer to as being in love …

Guess we as human being prefer hearing the lies instead of being faced with the truth which is something I have, by now, learnt to make peace with because I have learnt that the truth was just another reason for you to not be true …

Falling …

Feels like my life’s been passing by with happiness just being a lie. How did I get here? Where am I going? One more day without knowing and struggling for one more breath as I’m drowning in a painful death. Can someone reach out for me in this dark and dreary sea?

It seems like no one can hear the voice that’s calling. Try to take the most I can stand but I keep falling. I try to chase the memories away but they haunt me everyday. I hope I get over this phase because I’m stuck inside this haze. All I need is a simple lift, such a sweet and precious gift so I don’t lose it all before what I have left is nothing more ...

In my isolating misery I feel like the epitome of darkness and despair just leading onto nowhere. Will I be able to win this race? I’m running at a slow pace trying hard to press on but the motivation’s gone.

It may not have to be this way. Waiting for me they could be a new day. Maybe I can revise and escape from the lies ...

Desperate …

You're reaching out and no one hears you cry. You're freaking out again because all your fears remind you another dream has come undone. You feel so small and lost like you're the only one  and you want to scream 'cause you're desperate ...

You want somebody, just anybody to lay their hands on your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday you're going to  see the light...

You're in the dark and there's no one left to call and sleep's your only friend but even sleep can't hide you from all those tears and all the pain and all the days you wasted pushing them away. It's your life, it's time you face it ...

You know that things have got to change. You can't go back you'll find your way and day by day you start to come alive …