And We Say...

To every broken heart out there, love was once a part, but now it's disappeared. I was told that it's all part of the choices that you make even when you think you're right. You have to give in order to take.

I wonder if you're listening in, picking up on the signals sent back from within. Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on. Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here.

But there's still tomorrow so forget the sorrow. I will be on the last train home and watch it pass the day as it fades away.

Can't Break Down...

Now I know I can handle this. I close my mouth and clench my fist. I've lived this day in a thousand ways. I'm so damn frustrated. Losing breath and now I'm shaking. Gotta keep myself from breaking down.

Blocked it out for long enough. Got really good at playing rough now. I've been prepared and not really cared, but being brave is getting tough. Chin don't start to quiver, hands now don't you shiver, I got to keep myself from breaking down,

There's so much I wanna say, but this lump in my throat makes me walk away...

Tear don't you fall, eyes don't you cry. I need to get me round this corner. I can't break down. Pride don't cave in, head don't let go. While I'm open and you can read me - I can't break down.

So What

I got a brand new attitude

And i'm gonna wear it tonight

I wanna get in trouble

I wanna start a fight

What if this song's on the radio

I'm gonna get in trouble

My ex will start a fight

I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine

Sprakeloos

Ik leg hier op mijn bed, het denken aan woorden aan type. De muziek vernietigt op de achtergrond - op de een of andere manier en op één of andere bizarre manier vind ik kalmte en kalmte door dit alles.

Sluitend mijn ogen en voorstellend die langs het strand, met een kleine windvlaag van wind loopt die door mijn dik haar blaast. Voelend het zand tussen mijn tenen - zulk een akwardsensatie. Het is waarschijnlijk één van de enige twee plaatsen dat ik veilig en kalm voel wanneer ik vanaf alles moet krijgen en enkel mijn hoofd ontruimen.

Ik schuin denk aan woorden af om te typen - mijn hersenen schijnen weg ergens worden gesloten. Kan niet aan woord denken om te typen omdat op dit ogenblik de woorden zelf niet kunnen beschrijven hoe ik voel.

Sorry

What I thought wasn't mine. In the light it was a one of a kind, a precious pearl, When I wanted to cry I couldn't because I wasn't allowed.

What I thought wasn't all so innocent was a delicate doll of porcelain. When I wanted to call you and ask you for help I stopped myself.

What I thought was a dream, a mirage was as real as it seemed - a privilege. When I wanted to tell you; I made a mistake - I walked away.

Gomenasai. I never needed a friend, like I do now.

The Time Is Now!

Well you done me and you bet I felt it, I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted. I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back before the cool done run out. I'll be giving it my bestest because nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention. I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.

Well open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans and damn you're free. Look into your heart and you'll find love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing. We're just one big family and it's our God-forsaken right to be loved.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer. My breath fogged up the glass and so I drew a new face and laughed. I guess what I am saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do - our name is our virtue.

I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait, I'm sure. There's no need to complicate because our time is short.

Progress for the sake of happiness...

If I lay hereIf I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

All that I am

All that I ever was

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it until I let go
Gave into love
And watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide,
Face to the sun

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life

Breaking Free....

Feel free right now, going do what you want to do.Can't let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we. No time for moping around, are you kidding? And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning. It's been a long week, I put in my hardest. Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right.

Feels so good, when you're doing all the things that you want to do. Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new. Keep your head up high. In yourself, believe in you, believe in me. Having a really good time, I'm not complaining. And I'm still going to wear a smile even if it's raining. I got to enjoy myself regardless. I appreciate life, I'm so glad I got mine.

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me. When I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at a time in my life. my head on straight, I got my vibe right.

What do you see?

What do you see when you look into my eyes?

Failing . . .

What does one do when you have lost the will to live?

For people it's easy to say "Pick yourself up from the ground and fight back" I can't do that. Not anymore. Fighting for over a year too just be happy.

I don't expect things to fall into my lap but after such a long time I would have expected to see something more than just failures, one after the other.

I have nothing to show but failures. Yeah I'm most probably bringing myself down in the process and the whole thinking postive thing just isn't working for me anymore because there is nothing be be positive about.

I have attempted to take my life on so many occasions that I lost count but for one reason of another I never am able to succeed in what I do. See I even fail in taking my own life.

Little Mr Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night? Everything is such a blur, it didn't come out right. All of a sudden it's cold and we're falling apart. No this can't be please don't leave me alone in the dark.

I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it. Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate. A little bit possessive, little mister obsessive, can't get over it.

I have never been a fan of long goodbye's. I'm at the finishing line and you're just way too far behind. In the morning, I got in the fight with myself and I got the bruises to prove it.

Now it's like a fairy tale without a happy ending, but then again maybe we are just pretending. Why does it have to be so unfair?

Change Part 2

Time for a change. Long overdue but much needed.

Only I will now while I waited until now for it too happen - rather late than never I guess.

Baby you should have told me because now I'm torn apart. I never thought you'd do that - eveything is gone. I've almost got rid of all the pain but the only thing I've left to say is how could you leave me so damaged?

Feeling . . .

Time now is 3:30 . . . I sit here in the office, music blasting my ears to shit but at least I don't have to listen to the people moaning and groaning . . .

Have stomach pain - I think I might have eaten to much today - I feel like a glutton today. Had 4 bottles of Coke today - can feel it affecting me but not to the extent that it used to. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head - I should really find my glasses and start wearing them . . .

My brain so full of useless shit today that it's not even funny - so much to concentrate on.

Feeling numb today again - noticed lately that I feel despondent and just developed a attitude of "dont care" . . .

I will come right I keep telling myself . . . I think it's the first step towards making your life better that's the hardest to do . . .

Such a stunning song it is that Shayne Ward sings in "What About Me". Some of the lyrics goes like this . . . . .

He gets pushed around

Knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says...

What about me

It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live

But you just take more then you give

Life...

I have always been a firm believer that life as we now it happens when you least expect it. Fuck if I have to take the past year alone and ask myself how many times life happned to me I would probably lose count.

Every action, every descision, every thought is a stepping stone in what we become as individuals. Sometimes we feel down and low and like you can't go on anymore but when in reality things come across our paths that are meant to test us, meant to break us, meant to make us stronger.

No one can sort out the issues that we experience. One has to find the answers and solutions by one self. A friend said the other day to have patience is the best thing to do in such turbulant times. Things doesn't make sence at the moment but they will eventually.

It's not how you handle life - it's how you pick yourself up from the blows that life deals you.

Tears are forming in my eyes, a storm is warning in the sky. The end of the world it seems. I bend down and I fall on my knees and I'll get back on my feet.

I was always playin' hard, I never could let down my guard, no, and if I can't win, if I never give in to that voice within it's saying "pick up your chin".

I take my hesitance and my self-defense and leave them behind, it's only life. I don't have to be so afraid to face every day. I have to take my time and hold on tight. I musn't look away or lose faith because it's only life.

A collection of things...

I’ve never been this accountable-less and within. I’ve never known focusless-ness on any form. I’ve never had this lack of ache for dalliance.To let go and let God in ways I have never even imagined.

These are not times for the weak of heart. These are the days of raw despondence. I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

One day I’ll find relief. I’ll be arrived and I’ll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends. I have been running so sweaty my whole life. Urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time - of being forever incomplete.

Ever unfolding. Ever expanding. Ever adventurous and torturous, but never done. One day, I will speak freely and I’ll be less afraid.

Reborn and shivering. Spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing. This faint and shaky hour. Gun shy and quivering. Timid, without a hand. Feign brave with steel intent. Little and hardly here.

Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one. Not much making sense just yet - I’m faking it, 'til I’m pseudo making it.