Just in general …

This is just a random note of things I though about whilst driving home tonight and this applies to ANYONE who wants to be part of my life in any form whether it be a partner or friend ...

1) If your an ex of mine actually make sure that I give a flying fuck about the song you dedicate to me and don't make an asshole of yourself. Make sure you can actually sing before you think of climbing onto a stage and singing a song by Kelly Clarkson because fuck knows you have messed so many songs up that I find it hard to listen to music these days because your screechy voice is all I hear.

2) If you enter a beauty competition don't come fucking tell me about your insecurities! I just don't care! I have my own issues and listening to your little petty insecurities will just make me enter that exact competition and kick your ass after which I will say "SUCK IT"

3) Don't ever back stab me. I will find out and I will fuck you up. Maybe not physically but hey, I got a mean mother fucking mouth!

4) If you want to belittle and talk shit about your peers make sure that I don't have the fucking letter where you talk about them because they will not like it (this ties in with number 2)

5) If you want to impress me don't even fucking try because you will piss me off! Just be yourself. It's all I ask. Can't seem to understand why people feel they must be someone else to get approval! No wonder that fucking bi-polar excuse is used so often these days! People are so confused they lost themselves and what to they blame "oh I might have a case of bi-polar"! Bitch please go tell that to someone who cares.

6) If you want to complain to me about being single, again DON'T. I am single as well and I bitch enough about it. I have been single for the past 7 months (excluding the 2 minor hiccups) and only find an issue with being single on cold nights. Like I always said and always will say - the right one will come when it is necessary - when you go looking for love then the only thing you will find is heart ache.

7) If your intentions are just - and to put this bluntly - to FUCK ME then it was nice knowing you but there is the door! If you're under 21 then NO I'M NOT INTERESTED!!!! I don't want to help you figure out life. I'm doing it myself and I am not your teacher! If you possess a thing we call an IQ then come again and see where it goes!

8) People respect you more when you don't make an ass of yourself so don't be a drunken slut and try and flirt with everything that has two legs and a penis. Sure we're men and we're horny most of the time but good grief put some ice on it!

9) If your going to replace me (this only applies to exes) then please make sure that the person that you are going to date at least looks a little better than me. I know it's too much too ask but for fuck sakes please just try - in my dictionary settling for second best is called DESPERATION!

10) Clubs aren't the end of the world. People there are more to life than clubs & drugs & being promiscuous! It's called decent friends & good conversation - why would you waste your hard earned money on a useless night of yelling at other people because the music is so loud and getting so shit faced drunk for something that only lasts 3 hours. If you find yourself in the predicament that you can't remember please look for help because that bullshit just doesn't exist! Amnesia from drinking?! Go fuck yourself rather!

So ya - am a bit pissed as I sit here... Just something I had to share - like it or not - this is me ...

Losing It …

 

Laying in bed and wondering about a lot of things at the moment and not sure what to think of it all – am starting to feel like I am losing it.

Can’t explain how I feel at the moment. Breathless, cold, lonely, an empty shell of the person I once was.

I am writing this to get everything that I feel at this moment out of my system and just to clear my head.

As lonely as I am here, right now I know that if it was meant to be otherwise it would be. This week is going to be a crap week to start with because exactly a year ago starting tomorrow will mark the year anniversary of me becoming the person I am today.

Looking back at the year past I have accomplished exactly everything that I set out to do – difference is all my goals were set for when I am 30 – I am turning 22 and have accomplished what I set out to accomplish BUT only when I was 30 – here I am now and have accomplished it 8 years in advance. I find myself struggling to set new goals because I reach them so quickly.

It’s been a rough year for me – not only did I fall in love, get engaged, relocated and got promoted to manager, but it was also the year that my heart was broken, I found out that everything I believed in was a lie and I had to pick myself up from the ground ALONE. It was also the year that I found out I had a deceased twin brother. It was the year that I relocated. It was the year that I discovered so much about myself that I wasn’t sure whether or not I like myself or hate myself. It was the year or LEARNING as I call it.

I mention relocate twice on purpose for the reason that it had it’s ups and it had it’s downs. The ups being that I can prove to everyone that I am an independent and of me being me and not pushed into a box and being who I am and not what they wanted me to be. The downs being the obvious. Being alone, being scared to a certain extent and fending for yourself. Not wanting to let people know that you are actually struggling.

I have made a lot of fuck ups since being on my own but am not going to point fingers at anyone because the lessons I learnt, those heart breaking, gut wrenching lessons that just wants to make you curl up and die type lessons I had to learn on my own and no one could ever help me let alone prepare me for what I have gone through.

I find myself not trusting people, not trusting what they are saying and not trusting their intentions. I have my wall up and believe me it’s going to take one heck of a guy to break those down. All I ask for and ever will ask for in a guy is trust, honesty, respect & communication. These are simple requests which essentially form the basis of any relationship. I find myself thinking that these requests aren’t so simple because no guy I have met has ever been able to provide me with any.

Right now I find myself becoming a recluse which is a big word to say especially since I am only 22 – fuck I still have to turn 22 but that’s in a couple of days… Been locked up and cut physically from the outside world for 2 solid months now. Haven’t been to a club in two months. Haven’t seen my friends in 2 months and haven’t touched alcohol in two months. This isn’t because of anything else other than the fact that I have had enough of it all. No matter where you go it’s the same thing happening over and over and getting stuck in a spiral of stupid and silly things is not something where I see myself getting involved in. It was me but not anymore.

Went out to a client meeting the other day and kind of was overwhelmed by nothing more than a shit load of people – compared to me 2 months ago I would say that something is happening to me because driving in a car and struggling to breathe when in traffic which is the norm is just strange to me.

I don’t know what the future holds and don’t want to know because that would just take the learning aspect of it all out of my hands and liking to be in control I would freak out – something which is currently happening to me. Right now there is too much control because I know exactly what I will be doing at every hour of the day.

One massive routine, something which I despise to be part of is what I am currently part of. Do I change it? Do I go with the flow? Do I make decisions I wonder if they are right or wrong …

They say 5 minutes prior you are the most selfish you will ever be in your life … who knows … maybe it’s my 5 minutes and my turn to be selfish …