Old VS New

Once again lying on my bed with nothing to do I begin to think; thinking of the person I was and the person I have become.

Where do I even begin to start? How much have I really changed as person? I don’t know but for me, as I am lying here it feels like I have done a complete 180 from the person that I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. The breakup has consumed me and turned me into this monster. I have built these walls around me that I don’t know where or when I built them. To protect myself, to keep everyone out, to not get emotionally attached to anyone because honestly, this year was one fucked up year that I do not wish to revisit;

A shitty start to the year:

I started the year single, alone and I wouldn’t say I was looking for a relationship but somehow I managed to walk myself into one; one that would ultimately start the change of who I was as person. Everything went peachy and fine up until the day I started doing drugs and my life started to spiral out of control, 99% of the time I would be so high on drugs that I can’t remember a thing. Went to work stoned, went home stoned and just basically was stoned most of the time for about 3 months (can’t really remember). 2 of my colleagues sat me down and had a open hearted chat with me about drugs and all the thing, and I will admit that I wasn’t really paying attention when they were speaking because guess what? I was stoned out of my mind. The time came where it was either sober up or lose my job. Needless to say and without elaborating too much – I sobered up and I’m clean now for the whole year.

The knight in shining armor… or not:

What would obviously amongst everyone that knows me be known as “the big heart ache” started just after I sobered up which was quite pleasant as I constantly (and still) battled depression which everyone who has ever done drugs is a bitch to cope with especially when you come of it. Met him through a friend and we instantly hit it off, we began chatting and he really crawled into my heart. I felt bad for the poor fella because he came out of a relationship where he was in a long distance relationship and the guy cheated on him and lied to him (please keep this in mind as you continue reading). We met, almost immediately entered the relationship and from there it was sunshine and roses… and a long distance relationship might I add.
R2000 a month later for 7-8 months and 2 weeks a month later and the story is different – went from being sunshine and roses to fights every second day, one not trusting the other, and ignoring each other for weeks on end.

Through it all I believe we loved each other, fuck we were going to get married in the future but then one day came where a friend asked me the following; so how long have you been his friend? Shocked I replied with “I’m not his friend, I am his boyfriend”. This naturally shocked me so I asked his other friends who I thought knew we were together. Turns out that he told them all that he was single and that I was “a friend” and that he was single. Why he did this and why I was so stupid not to see this is beyond me but it all makes sense now. Needless to say I told him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be single anymore and that he is.

A week after it all ended I found out that while I was back in Cape Town he was sleeping with people.

Funny part is that I fell for the story of his ex cheating on him when they were in a long distance relationship when he did exactly the same to me…

Me…. Now…

Who am I now? What defines Francois as person now? What makes me stand out from the rest? Well for starters, in a lot of ways I’m a stronger individual. I am more confident in my skin i.e. I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don’t like the fact that I am happy or the fact that I might come across strong then I have one sentence for you – step the fuck out of my life. I am me and I am not changing for anyone, not now and not ever again.

I care less these days – of course work is still first priority but when it comes to a lot of things out of work and in my personal life I don’t care that much to be honest. I care about people; I do but right now at this point in my life I just don’t get attached anymore and refuse to put my heart on the line just for it to get broken again.

To sum up me as person now in a couple of words; happy, positive, enjoying life to the fullest, strong, fighting back.

The Future?

Who knows what the future will hold? Good things! Like Britney said “I’m fighting back like a karate kid”. I have the perfect opportunity to start a new chapter in my life next year and I’m going to take full advantage of it and live each second like it’s my last – no more thinking about stuff that could have been or stuff that could be. Live for now and seize the moment – CARPE DIEM

The Greatest

Thought I was standing tall. I thought I seen it all but baby I was wrong because you're the greatest. I'd walk a thousand miles but nothing's what I found, until you came around because you're the greatest.

Search high and low for love, just to find out, that it was here all along, and I know it, but I wanted it - I should've been chasing you.

And I was reaching for the stars and I didn't have to look so far because love's where you are but I didn't have a clue and now I realize that the stars are in your eyes because you always shine.

Thought everything had changed until the day you came and took away the pain. Baby you're the greatest and I always wore a frown. I never use to smile until you showed me how.

Reaching for the stars then I bumped into you and I cannot believe I was searching so long. All that I need is to look into your eyes.

Dear *****

I find myself in a situation I could have stayed out of. Don’t know how to explain but will try my best.

I am a firm believer that people come in to your life at a certain time, do what they need to and then they go out of your life. Sure this sounds harsh and can be debated for a couple of years but this is just what I feel and my seeing of all of this.

In a matter of hours, not days and not years, but hours you being the amazing person that you are climbed into my heart and I don’t know what to do.

I’m kind of freaking out here because this is not something that either of us planned and like I said we didn’t plan this and can’t even begin to think of the consequences it would have on our lives.

I can tell you how I feel at the moment and like you said last night, it makes you feel like a young school child with their first crush. We both feel something for the other one, what we feel for each other can’t be explained but it’s something special.

My brain is all over the place today, I’m thinking about you, can’t stop thinking about you and your like running around in my mind, not that I’m complaining. I’m weighing all the wrongs against the rights and the rights outweigh the wrongs by far.

I feel like that girl from Grey’s where she waits for her Mc Dreamy to choose between his wife and her and she walks up to him and tells him “pick me, I can’t tell you why you must pick me but pick me; pick me”

I don’t know what to say because my brain is just filled with all these things and I don’t know what to say or even how to put it into words so I will just quote from my favorite movie:

“See… I thought I got you figured out, long before I knew you, before I knew myself and I still can’t think of a logical reason of why we should be together but that is the reason I want to try ***** because the last time I listened to logic I built an empty castle. This is how I know ***** that I fell for you, hard, and I don’t want to get up without you.”

Again I sit speechless as I type this for you, will you read what I type here? I don’t know but ya, just the thought of you make my heart beat faster, fill my stomach with butterflies and just makes me extremely happy, something that has been escaping me over the past 3 weeks or even longer...

This doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the feelings that’s running through my body and my veins at the moment. I like you, a lot, and I can just hope that you feel the same way and that something comes from this…

Shattered Glass

As a close friend of mine would say “hmmmmm”…. This is what I am stuck with – thoughts of what to write about. I know what I want to say but putting it into words is just so damn difficult. What I want to write about is the past three weeks of my life, which in my opinion has been the hardest of my life and of this year…

Things I feel at this moment can only be described as empty and alone. I have a lot of friends and I have people that care for me but at the end of the day I still feel lonely – lonely because of what happened three weeks ago, lonely because I invested so much into one person, only to find out that it was all a lie. A whole year of my life WASTED, down the drain and I can’t get it back, not one second of it – it’s all lost now.

My friends and his friends warned me to stay away from him because he sounded like trouble and by the looks of it everyone was right. I sit and wonder why you did what you did, were it because your ex was a whore and you wanted someone to really love you like you did him and then break their heart into a million little pieces like you did with mine. One of your best friends called you a whore, not me, one of your friends which make me wonder what you did when I was in Cape Town.

I can’t seem to get you out of my system and I have tried everything that I can think of, be it alcohol, pills you name it. When I wake up, your still there in my heart, like cancer, eating away on my insides. I’m reminded of you every day, be it by your name or surname, or even someone that looks like you do. You haunt me like a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from, your face burnt into my mind like a tattoo on a piece of skin that you want removed but you can’t because it’s permanent. I just want it to end because I can’t anymore. I’m hanging by a thread and I can’t anymore.

I have a mother, like most of us do and although she is a great mother and I love her dearly but things hasn’t quite been the same since she found out I was gay (April this year). Although she says she accepts who I am I know that she doesn’t understand, accept of want me to be gay. Unfortunately for her and for all the gay haters out there. I’m gay, I’m proud of it and who I am as gay individual. Telling your child, the one you apparently love so much that he has made a fuck-up of his life and that you’re not proud of him will not make you the better person and make him love you more. It will drive him further away from you, further than he has over the past year.

Work wise I am at a peak – my peak? No I wouldn’t say so but I’m basically as far up that corporate ladder as I could possibly go. Can I go further? I could probably but working for a man that thinks he is the best and thinks that he is right and your wrong makes matters worse. You work your ass off every single day and you get told that he “can’t see what you’re doing”. It doesn’t make you feel good nor does it make you feel like you want to stay there. We probably have the highest staff turnover in all of South Africa and he still lives with this picture in his head that everyone is replaceable when they truly are not.

People don’t understand what it is to be gay or what it even means to be gay. In my opinion it’s on big misconception that gays are evil and all that kak. It makes me so angry to type about this but there is a girl I work with and me and her debate almost every day about religion and homosexuals. According to her all gay people are going to hell. My arguing point is this. Where in the bible does it say that man-on-man is evil? No where! Just because it says a man must love his wife DOES NOT make it “wrong” for men or even woman to love each other.

Depression is one evil mother fucker I battle with every single day of my life and as I am laying here typing this I am fighting it with every last inch of energy that I have left in my body. One day I will conquer everything I was done to over the past 21 years but first I need to accept myself and find peace within myself until I can move on with my life and actually start living it.

Hating Myself...

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.