As I lay here on the bed I have a thousand thoughts running through my head and I just wish there was a way of getting it out of my head. My world feels like it's falling apart but I assume that's normal under these circumstances.

What I feel at this moment is hurt, pain, heart ache and so much more, not physical pain and hurt but rather emotional. I don't know who or what I have become; I don't even think I know myself anymore. All these walls that I broke down to show the real me and what I am capable of I will be rebuilding on my own, one step at a time, not because I want to but rather because I have to protect myself from getting hurt any further.

I didn't ask for constant attention 24/7, nor did I ask for a lot. All I wanted was to be noticed, made feel like I was wanted but even that was too much to ask. What we've become is not how I pictured us to be.

We've become so content on making each other jealous and trying to be better than the other one that we forgot that our relationship was falling apart and that we were drifting apart from each other. When the time came to save what was left, there was nothing that could be saved because we have already lost each other.

One just has to let go of the past to make a better future.

Lost little boy is what I am because unlike you, I will have to pick up the pieces, one by one...

When I Found You

I believe we all have one true love. Somewhere in this world, I do. When it seemed all my dreams were falling through, that’s when I found you.

I believe for every heart that whispers in the dark there’s a ray of light somewhere, shining through . It was sink or swim when the tide came in and I found myself .

When I found you I found the closest thing to heaven. Yes, in you I found the deepest love I know. I believe, yes, its true, I found myself when I found you

I believe for every door that’s closing for every heartbreak there’s hope for something new.
From the ashes rise a glimpse of paradise. Yes it flickered in your eyes. How life unfolds no one knows. I thought a love was just tingling of the skin. I felt so alone, all alone more then you could ever know. We share deeper love, sweeter love that no one will ever be able to take away.

Don't Give Up

The heart is stronger than you think, it’s like it can go through anything and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though. Sometimes you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on.

Who are we to be..questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up…

Crush

I hung up the phone tonight, and something happened for the first time deep inside. It was a rush, what a rush? Beause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me. It's just too much, just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you. You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized, and I've just got to know. Do you ever think when you're all alone. All that we can be, where this thing can go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you? Are you holding back like the way I do? because I'm trying and trying to walk away. But I know this crush ain't going away.

The Weakness In Me

I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you I
gave my affection right from the start. If I have a lover who loves me how
could I break such a heart, you can still get my attention right from the start.

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough? Why do you
call me when you know I cant answer the phone? You make me lie when I
dont want to and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool. You
make me stay when I should not. Are you so strong or is the weakness
in me?

Hush

I never needed you to be strong, I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs, I never needed pain, I never needed strain, my love for you was strong enough, you should have known I never needed you for judgements.

I never needed you to question what I spent. I never asked for help, I take care of myself. I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me... conversations... There isn't anything for you to say and my eyes - look at me and listen to me because I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word - hush. There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer. I don't want you, there's nothing left to say.

I never needed your corrections on everything from how I act to what I say. I never needed words, I never needed hurt and I never needed you to be there every day.

Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me, but I can wait
I can wait forever. When you call my heart stops beating. When you're gone it won't stop bleeding. I can wait forever.

When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away, so I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away and I can't lie. Every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

It's like every time I turn around I see your face the thing I miss the most is waking up next to you. When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay and I can't lie but every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

I know it feels like forever. I guess that's just the price I got to pay. But when I come back home to feel your touch. Makes it better...

Can't find words to say yet I keep on speaking

So I sit here - nothing, absolutaley nothing is going through my mind. So numb already, find myself feeling numb and dispondant a lot lately but don't know why.

Wondering what is going on with me lately - kind of don't know who I am anymore. Everyone wants a piece but I can only give so much.

Here I Sit...

So here I sit in my room, stretched out on my bed with my laptop laying infront of me as I type this blog. It's cold outside and raining. Had such a beautiful day yesterday and to wake up this morning and hear that it's raining outside is not a nice feeling. I wonder if Summer will ever come to Cape Town?

I had so much time on my hands this weekend to just think about everything and take everything in consideration and put most of what I call my "life" into perspective. What have I done? Created order? Made sence of everything? All in all I just feel like I confused the living shit out of myself this weekend. Nothing in this world is solid and signed in ink as garuantee that it will happen.

I turn on my back and try to look deep inside myself to find some words to type as I am quickly running out of words... The only thing that keeps crossing my mind is the following... How much have I changed in the past year? If there is one thing I can say it is that I'm getting control of my depression. I'm more understanding of people and what people have to say where as in the past I would just tell them to fuck off and not bother what they have to say.

My group of friends are split into two groups. Those who like what or shall I say who I have become, and those who hate the person I have become... Those who prefer me being depressed and those who like to see me happy... Those who prefer me with no self confidence and those who like my new found self confidence... Those who like it when I allow people to walk over me and those who like it when I stand up for myself... Those who like seeing me when I fall to the ground and those who help me up from the ground...

I have reached a stage in my life where I prioritize everything and I mean EVERYTHING! If your worth it then I will fight for you, otherwise you can take the high road which means your not worth an ounce of my energy...

Do I like the person I have become? I don't know yet. I really wish I could tell you but I can't. It's all too new for me. Too long I have sat in the corner and let life pass me by... Not anymore... I'm living my life and not letting my life live me...

When My Time Comes

I dreamt I was missing and you were so scared, but no one would listen because no one else cared. After my dreaming I woke with this fear - What am I leaving? When I'm done here? So if you're asking me I want you to know the following.

When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory.

Don't be afraid. I've taken my beating. I've shared what I've made. I'm strong on the surface but not all the way through. I've never been perfect.

And We Say...

To every broken heart out there, love was once a part, but now it's disappeared. I was told that it's all part of the choices that you make even when you think you're right. You have to give in order to take.

I wonder if you're listening in, picking up on the signals sent back from within. Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on. Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here.

But there's still tomorrow so forget the sorrow. I will be on the last train home and watch it pass the day as it fades away.

Can't Break Down...

Now I know I can handle this. I close my mouth and clench my fist. I've lived this day in a thousand ways. I'm so damn frustrated. Losing breath and now I'm shaking. Gotta keep myself from breaking down.

Blocked it out for long enough. Got really good at playing rough now. I've been prepared and not really cared, but being brave is getting tough. Chin don't start to quiver, hands now don't you shiver, I got to keep myself from breaking down,

There's so much I wanna say, but this lump in my throat makes me walk away...

Tear don't you fall, eyes don't you cry. I need to get me round this corner. I can't break down. Pride don't cave in, head don't let go. While I'm open and you can read me - I can't break down.

So What

I got a brand new attitude

And i'm gonna wear it tonight

I wanna get in trouble

I wanna start a fight

What if this song's on the radio

I'm gonna get in trouble

My ex will start a fight

I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine

Sprakeloos

Ik leg hier op mijn bed, het denken aan woorden aan type. De muziek vernietigt op de achtergrond - op de een of andere manier en op één of andere bizarre manier vind ik kalmte en kalmte door dit alles.

Sluitend mijn ogen en voorstellend die langs het strand, met een kleine windvlaag van wind loopt die door mijn dik haar blaast. Voelend het zand tussen mijn tenen - zulk een akwardsensatie. Het is waarschijnlijk één van de enige twee plaatsen dat ik veilig en kalm voel wanneer ik vanaf alles moet krijgen en enkel mijn hoofd ontruimen.

Ik schuin denk aan woorden af om te typen - mijn hersenen schijnen weg ergens worden gesloten. Kan niet aan woord denken om te typen omdat op dit ogenblik de woorden zelf niet kunnen beschrijven hoe ik voel.

Sorry

What I thought wasn't mine. In the light it was a one of a kind, a precious pearl, When I wanted to cry I couldn't because I wasn't allowed.

What I thought wasn't all so innocent was a delicate doll of porcelain. When I wanted to call you and ask you for help I stopped myself.

What I thought was a dream, a mirage was as real as it seemed - a privilege. When I wanted to tell you; I made a mistake - I walked away.

Gomenasai. I never needed a friend, like I do now.

The Time Is Now!

Well you done me and you bet I felt it, I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted. I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back before the cool done run out. I'll be giving it my bestest because nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention. I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.

Well open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans and damn you're free. Look into your heart and you'll find love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing. We're just one big family and it's our God-forsaken right to be loved.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer. My breath fogged up the glass and so I drew a new face and laughed. I guess what I am saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do - our name is our virtue.

I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait, I'm sure. There's no need to complicate because our time is short.

Progress for the sake of happiness...

If I lay hereIf I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

All that I am

All that I ever was

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it until I let go
Gave into love
And watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide,
Face to the sun

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life

Breaking Free....

Feel free right now, going do what you want to do.Can't let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we. No time for moping around, are you kidding? And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning. It's been a long week, I put in my hardest. Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right.

Feels so good, when you're doing all the things that you want to do. Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new. Keep your head up high. In yourself, believe in you, believe in me. Having a really good time, I'm not complaining. And I'm still going to wear a smile even if it's raining. I got to enjoy myself regardless. I appreciate life, I'm so glad I got mine.

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me. When I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at a time in my life. my head on straight, I got my vibe right.

What do you see?

What do you see when you look into my eyes?

Failing . . .

What does one do when you have lost the will to live?

For people it's easy to say "Pick yourself up from the ground and fight back" I can't do that. Not anymore. Fighting for over a year too just be happy.

I don't expect things to fall into my lap but after such a long time I would have expected to see something more than just failures, one after the other.

I have nothing to show but failures. Yeah I'm most probably bringing myself down in the process and the whole thinking postive thing just isn't working for me anymore because there is nothing be be positive about.

I have attempted to take my life on so many occasions that I lost count but for one reason of another I never am able to succeed in what I do. See I even fail in taking my own life.