… another day …

another day, another story, another drama, another heart-ache … everything is just another thing … when does it stop?

…

To all my friends,

A clean slate – something that all of us wants but almost no one gets to achieve for a simple reason that no one is willing to look past the things that occurred in the past.

I lay here – not looking for forgiveness, not for a second change but for you to see that I have changed and truly am making an effort to be a better person.

What I have done in the past I am not proud of for one second. In the past I could have been classified in all the categories that you can possible think of: slutty, bitchy, backstabber, egocentric, self absorbed/centered, needy, liar and the list can go on till I run out of space to type.

I have noticed the error of my ways and I know how it feels to have nothing. Nothing in the sense of you have everything but it’s still nothing.

I watched Gossip Girl followed by Cruel Intentions right after one another and for a while I couldn’t realize why I related so much to all those things that occurred in the shows but then the light went on.

I was the one that used to do everything to get to the top spot at any cost. I was the one that liked to be center of attention and when someone stole that from me I would get back at them at whichever cost. I was the one that slept with the boyfriends best friend to get back at him. I was the one that destroyed countless peoples lives by things that I have said and things that I have done. I’m not proud of the above mentioned things but one things is certain.

I am trying to change because on can only put up the facade for so long until it catches up to you.

Some of you I hurt in ways that I can’t even begin to explain and the things I said I will never be able to take back and for THAT I will never be able to forgive myself for. I’m not asking for forgiveness or anything. All I ask for is for you to understand that I am changing and I really want you to be a part of my life. If it means that it’s in a completely platonic manner where we only greet each other or whatever then so be it.

You have made an impact on my life regardless of whether or not it was good or bad – the impact you made was enough for me to ultimately realize that as you I am human and that as you I have made mistakes. Mistakes that aren’t easy to forget not to mention to forgive.

Being back in Cape Town has made me realize a lot of things all of which I am so grateful for that I can’t begin to explain it.

I have come to terms with a lot of issues that I still had to deal with as person. I have learnt to accept. I have learnt to forgive. I have gotten closure on some stuff from the past and I am moving on. I’m surrounding myself with positivity because as the end of the day, like a friend said, you are what you surround yourself with and I am surrounding myself with a positive group of people, all of whom will and are having a great influence on my life.

With this paragraph I end of by saying that YES I have made mistakes in the past and yes I wasn’t the best friend to a lot of you that I could have been but that is busy changing for I have realized my potential and what I can be.

Rebuilding ...

Laying in bed and a friend motivated me to start blogging again because lets face it - I have neglected my blog for the past six months. I don't have a reason for doing this except that I had to sort out my life and to an extent (a large one) I still am sorting out my life. I don't know why I stopped blogging because writing for me is like therapy. My blog is my outlet for all the things that I am feeling.

Right now I am thinking that my life is crumbling apart when in reality my life is probably just a mess and I have to sort it out. Long discussions last night had me thinking (and a lot of you reading this will say that why did it take me so long to realize this) and I am responsible for the way I feel. My depression isn't caused by other people but rather by myself.

I have an ex who I love dearly (we all have that someone who will always classify as "the one that got away") and last night I went to visit his parents and after lots of discussions I started to realize that the main reason our relationship fell apart was because of three simple reasons which is so small but when looking back they were actually so big.

There was no communication so neither one knew much about the other one's past and this just caused us to assume that the other one was full of shit.

We were both stubborn as hell and both had extremely strong personalities. Age wise and career wise we were at the same level. Now with him being 27 at the time and me being 21 and both of us earning almost the same contributed to a lot of issues in the relationship itself.

The main reason itself which I would say the relationship fell apart and the thing happened the way they did was because when we were together I was in Cape Town and he was in Johannesburg and we only saw each other every third week of the month which is not enough for ANY relationship to survive on because doubt is placed in your head.

I left his parents place thinking WHAT IF I were to give him another chance. What if he changed his ways and what if we could start over? Would things be different? Would it work?

I went out with this one guy for over a month and when things started to get serious I started to realize things that just had a lot of similarities to the one I was in with Shaun. Naturally this scared the living shit out of me and I probably did the most stupid thing that I could ever do - I rebuilt all those walls around me and shut the guy out - DON'T GET ME WRONG - I love this guy more than I could ever say but right now at this place and time I am not able to commit to him which is sad and to an extend breaking me up inside because he is really a nice guy.

I've become a recluse to an extend - hiding away in my shell and avoiding contact with the outside world. The reason for this is that I have trouble dealing with things and that is why I hide away in my shell.

Johannesburg is fun and in the 4 months that I have been here I have discovered so much about myself that 21 years in Cape Town amounts to the four months that I have been here in Johannesburg. Like I said - Johannesburg is fun - BUT it's also hectic and fast paced and if you don't have a clear head you can get lost so easily.

I'm going to Cape Town next weekend for a while and hopefully by the time I return to Johannesburg I will have a clear view on everything and be able to start fresh.