The good old times...

Thinking back on this Sunday afternoon...

If you could choose any age to go back to - which age would it be?

I would choose the age of 10. The reason for that is that was when I was innocence personified. I'm laughing as I am typing this but yes - At that age of 10 I had no worries. Not a care in the world.

But now at the age of 20 I have so much to worry about:

• Will I have enough money to last me throughout the month?
• Will I be able to pay all my debt?
• Will I meet my hectic deadlines?

I found some very old CD's of mine going back to like 1998 and I am astounded at the music I listened to.

There is S Club 7, Britney's first CD and many more I was laughing all the way as I went through the CD's.

It sometimes makes you realise how fragile life is and quickly time passes.

Did I do stuff in the past that I regret? Yes I did.

Do I wish that I can take time back and go change the stuff? No I don't because that would change me as the person that I am today.

To sum everything up. Life is short - too short. Embrace everyday. Live everyday to the fullest. Forget the past. The past happned. There is nothing that you can change about it. Do not live in the future because then you try to make stuff work that hasn't even happned yet.

Reviewing....

In my room again... taking everything that happened this week and just thinking about it whether it's now good or bad. It really doesn't matter because one way or the other we are going to be forced to deal with it whether we like it or not.

This week was crappy and good at the same time. Had a nervous breakdown - again. Recovered and now I am back on track.

Keywords that sum up this past week:

confusion, mistakes, regret, hate, love, denial, acceptance, sorting out, fight, apologies

.......

emotionally i'm not strong enough and can't cope with alot of things

It's been a long while coming....

Well what's news on my side? Busy writing my book although I'm suffering from writers block at the moments.

Friendship wise it's going good.

In all other aspects of my life it's going a bit fucked up. Thats about as much as I will elaborate...

If a picture says a thousand words then what would the picture above say. I took that picture last night. Everything was getting too much for me yet again.... How do I allow this to happen? Am I that weak?

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been

And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing

So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes

I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow
If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know

Things I've Learnt

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how badit seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life...'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt onboth hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if youfocus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work anddoing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, Iusually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!

Say...

Baby tell me, do I look like the kind of boy that you wanna take home and wanna make me your own? Do you even know what I like? Just what I'm living for, what I adore? Baby, take the time to realize, I'm not the kind to sacrifice the way I am. So if you wanna be my man baby you got to walk a mile in my shoes. Do me right or your through. Can't you see that if you wanna stay around, I'm telling you, you got to figure me out. Boy, take your time or you'll lose. This is my game, my rules, and I can see, obviously, you don't know what it's like to be me.

Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but, nothing's turned out how you wanted. Do you know what your fate is? And are you trying to shake it? You're doing your best and your best look - you're praying that you make it. I said I all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head.

Since there's no more you and me. It's time I let you go so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you. Thought I couldn't live without you. It's gonna hurt when it heals tooIt'll all get better in time. I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to .

Whenever the end is. Do you think you can see it? Well, until you get there. Go on, go ahead and scream it! Just say it!

Black & White

Why do I keep blaming myself when something doesn't work out?

Why do I make myself feel worthless?

It's just not worth it. Absolutaley not worth it. I make myself depressed and worthless. Why? Not because I want to but because indirectly people make me feel that I am worthless. I don't even think they notice it.

You may have the body, the self confidence, the looks or you may even be an extrovert but I am not one of those. Been hurt far to much to be self confident or feel good about the way that I look.

I probably need 4 hands to count the number of people that did me wrong this past 3 years (10 of which was from this year alone).

You get the people that lead you on and when you want things to go to a certain direction they totally freak out and drop the VERY OLD & TIRED "we should just be friends" line.

It's such a fucking old line. I just don't and probably will never be able to understand why people are afraid. What makes a 20-year old see things differently than older people?

Just because one person did you wrong doesn't mean that the whole world will do you wrong.... WAIT.... In Cape Town the story is different... If one person does you wrong then 90% of Cape Town will... Been there, done that and I got the T-Shirt that says "POES" on it.

Come to think of it... A book will be a good idea...... What shall I call it?

• Let's blame it on the past...
• Will the future be brighter than my shitty past?
• Capetonian's Guide to all the fuckers in Cape Town
• What not to do...
• Are all men assholes? I know so...
• Let's just be friends.... The tale of a 20 year old

Who am I?

Who am I?

What makes me happy?

What makes me sad?

What makes me tick?

What are my values?

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

Am I fucked up?

Am I lonely?

Am I me or what people want me to be?

Am I?

Memories...

I'm gonna make you bend and break because it sent you to me without wings. Say a prayer, but let the good times roll. In case God doesn't show you should let the good times roll. And I want these words to make things right but it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life. Who does he think he is. If that's the worst you got better put your fingers back to the keys.

One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great. He tastes like you only sweeter. Been looking forward to the future. But my eyesight is going bad. And this crystal ball is always cloudy except when you look into the past. One night stand, one night stands out!

Trying to push the past away. Still waiting for the lights to change. Try for the sake of it. Learning to barely feel the pain, strain, and though it's really hurting I'm not breaking. Bones have to grow, and age it shows. Though we try and hide it we can't.

At The Office...

At the office... Tired as hell... That's what happens when you kind of forget that you are working the following day and stay up till late..

10:47 on Monday Evening...

I sit here on the end of my bed typing this blog. Listening to Us against the world from Westlife. Stunning song.

There will be days when were on different side but that won't last long...
sometimes I feel like I can't keep it together, then you hold me close and make it better. When I'm with you I feel unbreakable.

How was this weekend for me? In all honesty it wasn't bad... It wasn't bad at all... Went shopping with one of my friends on Saturday and had a blast. Had to get out of the house. My bedroom walls were driving me crazy because that is where I spend most of my evenings.

One of me and Rihana's favourite songs are Relax by Mika. Awesome song that is... It her and my song.. You just got to love it.

I sit here not being able to think. Pills I am taking at the moment is sort of clouding my mind and that is why my last few blogs has been absolutaley shit in all honesty. Can't think properly...

First I get hot and then I get freezing cold. My back is killing me slowely but surely - probably because of my bad posture. Ayesha has told me about this but do you think I listen? Nope... Francois knows better or so I think...

On Saturday I phoned nearly everyone on my phonebook. There was 2 reasons behind those phonecalls.

1) To say "Hello and how are you doing?" to my friends.

2) and an indirect "Fuck you!" to the rest.

Watched movies on Saturday..... Interesting evening Saturday... Don't ask me to elaborate... It was just interesting...

"SO SO SO SCANDALOUS"

What more can I elaborate on... Alot happned this weekend... Saw my ex this weekend... Wasn't that fun. Lets just say the poor man realised what he lost... I looked hot even if I must say it myself...

"A LITTLE CONVERSATION GOES A LONG WAY, A ONE NIGHT STAND JUST AIN'T ENOUGH"

So true... Don't do one night stands in the first place... Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of it. Was sitting tonight on the porch looking up at the sky. Cold as hell but it looked so beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. Just a clear sky...

"STOP AND STARE"

When one just sits back and put everything in perspective you will realise that maybe you overreacted the one time. Maybe you were acting like a little spoilt brat when it really wasn't necessary.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of me. It's time to make my move, I'm shakin off the rust. I've got my heart set on anywhere but here. I'm staring down myself, counting up the years. Steady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing me. Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"ITS A GOOD THING TEARS NEVER SHOW IN THE POURING RAIN"

Never make promises you can't keep. If you don't like someone or if you don't like something that someone is doing then tell them. Don't just keep your mouth shut. Keeping your mouth shut will just frustrate you more until you can't take it anymore and then blow up at the wrong person and trust me when I say that you don't want that to happen. Some people might want you to keep your mouth shut but live your life. Just wish that everyone could be themselves and not what other people want them to be. So little people in Cape Town are what I call "real people". It's all about the look, what you drive, what you wear, where you live. Can't people just accept you for who you are.

"THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENSIONS"

We all have a song... The song... It makes you want to get up and shake your booty all night long. I have a couple... More than enough actually but at the moment it has to be Madonna's new song called 4 minutes to save the world.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of usIt's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rustI've got my heart set on anywhere but hereI'm staring down myself, counting up the yearsSteady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing meTime to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"WATCH ME COME UNDONE"

In how many different ways can you tell a person that you like them? Tell them that you are actually interested in them... I don't know... Let's just say that I have tried everything... Maybe I'm just not good at playing the game.. Who cares? Not me.. I'm not in Cape Town to play silly little games. I'm here with a plan. One that is well on it's way and no one will intefere with it. Not even the men of Cape Town. Most of the men in Cape Town are a bunch of wankers in any case.
There is a handfull left but they are so hard to find... I think I chat to like the last couple of them left.

"RING THE ALARM, I HAVE BEEN TROUGHT THIS FOR TOO LONG"

The song that opens Romeo & Juliet is amazing... "Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene from ancient grudge lay to new mutiny. Where civil blood make civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal lines from these two foes. A pair of star crossed lovers take their lifes".... Doesn't that just make you want to say "NUT CASE!!!"

Should have been stronger, I lied. Nobody gets me right. Couldn't hold of you then. How was I supposed to know what you meant. I know everything changes. Can we bring yesterday back around. I was dumb, I was young, I was wrong. I let alot of people down.

"FOR ALL THESE TIMES"

When your sitting there it's hard for me to walk away. Distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away. I try to find the words that I can say. I can't lie. When I leave my heart turns gray. I want to come back home to see your face tonight. Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me. When you call my heart stops beating and when your gone it won't stop bleeding...

It's My Life

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

Well Well Well..... How do I put this....

I think the flag should say enough........ Gone with the old, fucked up and corrupt.... in with the British... So looking forward..

Sorry people but I am not proudly South African... In this country the is nothing to be proud about... Probably only my friends and family but that's about it... I will miss them all but I got to move on to greener pastures...

So when is this happening.... Well going in June/July for first time and if all goes well I will be moving there December...

Us Against The World...

A song for you... You know who you are.... You came into my life at the right time....

You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like
The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby T
That's what saves me
When we're together
I feel so invincible

Cause it's us against the world
You and me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

There’ll be days
We’ll be on different sides but
That doesn’t last too long
We find ways to get it on track
And know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel I can’t keep it together
Then you hold me close
And you make it better
When I’m with you I can feel so unbreakable

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right...

Things that won't get you very far with me....

1) If you send me dick pics...

2) If you only talk about sex...

3) If you can't have an interesting conversation that requires my brain to work at least every 5 minutes...

4) If the only thing you can talk about is gym...

5) If you do drugs...

6) If your a drunk/alcoholic...

7) If you spend every fucking Wednesday, Friday and Saturday in a club. It's good to be home once in a while.. The world won't end if you don't go...

I have a five minute rule... In that 5 minutes I can see exactly where things are going and what your intentions are...

Uhm...

Well.... uhm.... uhm.....

I have nothing to blog about...

In short. Day was perfect. Life is heading in the right direction... Mood is perfect for a change.... Was about to say that I am perfect but then I would be vein...

Cheers for now...

Sorry for short blog...

Looking back at the past - A conversation that started at the office

Just came back from the office and has the most interesting conversation with the one girl at the office. At first I didn't know what do expect because I was sitting outside smoking and minding my own business but then we got talking about me and me being gay and all the things that goes hand in hand with it. Actually a very good conversation - I really enjoyed it. It lasted for 30 minutes I think. Can't remember exactly how long we were talking. I came to realise the amazing similarities that there are between gay men and straight men. Yes shoot me for being blonde but I honestly thought there was huge differences.

Anyway the reason for this blog is that the conversation dealth with how one must deal with the past and be thankfull for the lessons that you have learnt from past experiences. On my way home I began to think (I'm seriously beginning to wonder if it's a good thing). I began to think of the four men that probably took me the longest to get over but also the four that I learned the most from considering what happened.

First there is Carl - A good guy and my first boyfriend. A bit of a smart-ass and a know-it-all but good. At first we had alot in common but near the end of our relationship I began to realise more and more differences. The reason for our break-up was not our differences but rather a mixture of a lot of things. What I learnt from Carl was not to be afraid to do stuff. Doesn't seem like much but ya. Certainly is alot for me.

Then there was Stephan - I really don't know where to begin with him. Amazing, Amazing, Amazing guy. I learned so much from him in the short time that I saw him that it's not even funny. Stephan taught me how to look at myself in a different light. Not a negative one but a positive one. He also taught me that you only live once so never regret what your going to do. No matter how fucked up it seems at that time, you got to do it. If you don't do it then you will never know how it feels. I did some pretty hectic stuff with this guy - none of which I regret anymore. He also made me realise how easy influencible I am and how small my heart is. Dont get me wrong. Me typing of how easy influencible I am doesn't mean he influenced me in a wrong way. He actually set the wheels in motion when it came to me changing myself and my whole outlook on life etc...

Warren - Another guy who I totally fucked things up with as friends. What I learnt from him was to give people the chance to explain themselves and not to jump to my own conclusions as I always did in the past. When I actually gave him chance to explain what really happned I felt crappy. Although it doesn't make up for what he did I still felt crap for not giving him time to explain.

Dion - Where do I begin with Dion? I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. What Dion taught me was never to put much faith in one thing because it only leads to dissappointment.

This is just SOME of the lessons that I learnt from these men. This is most certainly not the only lessons I learnt from them but it was most definately the hardest lessons to learn and that is why I mentioned them in this blog.

Love in this club...

I found a song online and I listened to the song because it had a different beat and all that. When I eventually got over the beat I started listening to the lyrics... My GAWD those lyrics are quite raunchy for a song...

I’m what you want, I’m what you need. He got you trapped, I’ll set you free. Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me. It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries. And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me. About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R. Pulled up like a trap star,. That's if you have yo regular car. You wanna make love to a thug in the club. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go make love in this club.

Who writes this stuff. The amazing this is that this actually happens in the clubs where I have been to. I haven't done it and I don't intend on doing so but ya. I have seen it...

I'm Fine.....

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at this time in my life and I ain't worried about if you feel it because I got my head on straight, I got my mind right. I aint gonna let you kill it because you see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine.

Something about nothing....

Let me tell you something about nothing.............................

Can you tell me what makes you happy? Seeing your dog wave his/her tail when she sees you for the first time each morning. Maybe it's that first cigarette in the morning. Could be a cup of coffee on a cold winters morning. The answers are endless. You must just find what makes you happy. Really not that hard to find out. I used to love to read but I have read most of the interesting books out there.

What boggles me is this.... Why did it take me so long to be happy? 20 years of my life I searched for my happiness with other people instead of just looking inside myself....

I'm the only one that can make me happy - no one else. Everyone just adds to me being a happy person. I am in contact with at least 200 people during the day. Whether it's now a client, employees, family, friends, facebook friends, gaydar, SMS, MXit, MSN, Skype, phone calls... Do these people I am in contact with everyday contribute to my mood.... Hell yes they do...

I think I am becoming more of a people person. God only knows if this is a good or bad thing...

Truth is there is more than what you can see