Who am I?

Who am I?

What makes me happy?

What makes me sad?

What makes me tick?

What are my values?

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

Am I fucked up?

Am I lonely?

Am I me or what people want me to be?

Am I?

Memories...

I'm gonna make you bend and break because it sent you to me without wings. Say a prayer, but let the good times roll. In case God doesn't show you should let the good times roll. And I want these words to make things right but it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life. Who does he think he is. If that's the worst you got better put your fingers back to the keys.

One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great. He tastes like you only sweeter. Been looking forward to the future. But my eyesight is going bad. And this crystal ball is always cloudy except when you look into the past. One night stand, one night stands out!

Trying to push the past away. Still waiting for the lights to change. Try for the sake of it. Learning to barely feel the pain, strain, and though it's really hurting I'm not breaking. Bones have to grow, and age it shows. Though we try and hide it we can't.

At The Office...

At the office... Tired as hell... That's what happens when you kind of forget that you are working the following day and stay up till late..

10:47 on Monday Evening...

I sit here on the end of my bed typing this blog. Listening to Us against the world from Westlife. Stunning song.

There will be days when were on different side but that won't last long...
sometimes I feel like I can't keep it together, then you hold me close and make it better. When I'm with you I feel unbreakable.

How was this weekend for me? In all honesty it wasn't bad... It wasn't bad at all... Went shopping with one of my friends on Saturday and had a blast. Had to get out of the house. My bedroom walls were driving me crazy because that is where I spend most of my evenings.

One of me and Rihana's favourite songs are Relax by Mika. Awesome song that is... It her and my song.. You just got to love it.

I sit here not being able to think. Pills I am taking at the moment is sort of clouding my mind and that is why my last few blogs has been absolutaley shit in all honesty. Can't think properly...

First I get hot and then I get freezing cold. My back is killing me slowely but surely - probably because of my bad posture. Ayesha has told me about this but do you think I listen? Nope... Francois knows better or so I think...

On Saturday I phoned nearly everyone on my phonebook. There was 2 reasons behind those phonecalls.

1) To say "Hello and how are you doing?" to my friends.

2) and an indirect "Fuck you!" to the rest.

Watched movies on Saturday..... Interesting evening Saturday... Don't ask me to elaborate... It was just interesting...

"SO SO SO SCANDALOUS"

What more can I elaborate on... Alot happned this weekend... Saw my ex this weekend... Wasn't that fun. Lets just say the poor man realised what he lost... I looked hot even if I must say it myself...

"A LITTLE CONVERSATION GOES A LONG WAY, A ONE NIGHT STAND JUST AIN'T ENOUGH"

So true... Don't do one night stands in the first place... Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of it. Was sitting tonight on the porch looking up at the sky. Cold as hell but it looked so beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. Just a clear sky...

"STOP AND STARE"

When one just sits back and put everything in perspective you will realise that maybe you overreacted the one time. Maybe you were acting like a little spoilt brat when it really wasn't necessary.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of me. It's time to make my move, I'm shakin off the rust. I've got my heart set on anywhere but here. I'm staring down myself, counting up the years. Steady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing me. Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"ITS A GOOD THING TEARS NEVER SHOW IN THE POURING RAIN"

Never make promises you can't keep. If you don't like someone or if you don't like something that someone is doing then tell them. Don't just keep your mouth shut. Keeping your mouth shut will just frustrate you more until you can't take it anymore and then blow up at the wrong person and trust me when I say that you don't want that to happen. Some people might want you to keep your mouth shut but live your life. Just wish that everyone could be themselves and not what other people want them to be. So little people in Cape Town are what I call "real people". It's all about the look, what you drive, what you wear, where you live. Can't people just accept you for who you are.

"THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENSIONS"

We all have a song... The song... It makes you want to get up and shake your booty all night long. I have a couple... More than enough actually but at the moment it has to be Madonna's new song called 4 minutes to save the world.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of usIt's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rustI've got my heart set on anywhere but hereI'm staring down myself, counting up the yearsSteady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing meTime to make one last appeal... for the life I lead. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need.

"WATCH ME COME UNDONE"

In how many different ways can you tell a person that you like them? Tell them that you are actually interested in them... I don't know... Let's just say that I have tried everything... Maybe I'm just not good at playing the game.. Who cares? Not me.. I'm not in Cape Town to play silly little games. I'm here with a plan. One that is well on it's way and no one will intefere with it. Not even the men of Cape Town. Most of the men in Cape Town are a bunch of wankers in any case.
There is a handfull left but they are so hard to find... I think I chat to like the last couple of them left.

"RING THE ALARM, I HAVE BEEN TROUGHT THIS FOR TOO LONG"

The song that opens Romeo & Juliet is amazing... "Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene from ancient grudge lay to new mutiny. Where civil blood make civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal lines from these two foes. A pair of star crossed lovers take their lifes".... Doesn't that just make you want to say "NUT CASE!!!"

Should have been stronger, I lied. Nobody gets me right. Couldn't hold of you then. How was I supposed to know what you meant. I know everything changes. Can we bring yesterday back around. I was dumb, I was young, I was wrong. I let alot of people down.

"FOR ALL THESE TIMES"

When your sitting there it's hard for me to walk away. Distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away. I try to find the words that I can say. I can't lie. When I leave my heart turns gray. I want to come back home to see your face tonight. Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me. When you call my heart stops beating and when your gone it won't stop bleeding...

It's My Life

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

Well Well Well..... How do I put this....

I think the flag should say enough........ Gone with the old, fucked up and corrupt.... in with the British... So looking forward..

Sorry people but I am not proudly South African... In this country the is nothing to be proud about... Probably only my friends and family but that's about it... I will miss them all but I got to move on to greener pastures...

So when is this happening.... Well going in June/July for first time and if all goes well I will be moving there December...

Us Against The World...

A song for you... You know who you are.... You came into my life at the right time....

You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like
The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby T
That's what saves me
When we're together
I feel so invincible

Cause it's us against the world
You and me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

There’ll be days
We’ll be on different sides but
That doesn’t last too long
We find ways to get it on track
And know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel I can’t keep it together
Then you hold me close
And you make it better
When I’m with you I can feel so unbreakable

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right...

Things that won't get you very far with me....

1) If you send me dick pics...

2) If you only talk about sex...

3) If you can't have an interesting conversation that requires my brain to work at least every 5 minutes...

4) If the only thing you can talk about is gym...

5) If you do drugs...

6) If your a drunk/alcoholic...

7) If you spend every fucking Wednesday, Friday and Saturday in a club. It's good to be home once in a while.. The world won't end if you don't go...

I have a five minute rule... In that 5 minutes I can see exactly where things are going and what your intentions are...

Uhm...

Well.... uhm.... uhm.....

I have nothing to blog about...

In short. Day was perfect. Life is heading in the right direction... Mood is perfect for a change.... Was about to say that I am perfect but then I would be vein...

Cheers for now...

Sorry for short blog...

Looking back at the past - A conversation that started at the office

Just came back from the office and has the most interesting conversation with the one girl at the office. At first I didn't know what do expect because I was sitting outside smoking and minding my own business but then we got talking about me and me being gay and all the things that goes hand in hand with it. Actually a very good conversation - I really enjoyed it. It lasted for 30 minutes I think. Can't remember exactly how long we were talking. I came to realise the amazing similarities that there are between gay men and straight men. Yes shoot me for being blonde but I honestly thought there was huge differences.

Anyway the reason for this blog is that the conversation dealth with how one must deal with the past and be thankfull for the lessons that you have learnt from past experiences. On my way home I began to think (I'm seriously beginning to wonder if it's a good thing). I began to think of the four men that probably took me the longest to get over but also the four that I learned the most from considering what happened.

First there is Carl - A good guy and my first boyfriend. A bit of a smart-ass and a know-it-all but good. At first we had alot in common but near the end of our relationship I began to realise more and more differences. The reason for our break-up was not our differences but rather a mixture of a lot of things. What I learnt from Carl was not to be afraid to do stuff. Doesn't seem like much but ya. Certainly is alot for me.

Then there was Stephan - I really don't know where to begin with him. Amazing, Amazing, Amazing guy. I learned so much from him in the short time that I saw him that it's not even funny. Stephan taught me how to look at myself in a different light. Not a negative one but a positive one. He also taught me that you only live once so never regret what your going to do. No matter how fucked up it seems at that time, you got to do it. If you don't do it then you will never know how it feels. I did some pretty hectic stuff with this guy - none of which I regret anymore. He also made me realise how easy influencible I am and how small my heart is. Dont get me wrong. Me typing of how easy influencible I am doesn't mean he influenced me in a wrong way. He actually set the wheels in motion when it came to me changing myself and my whole outlook on life etc...

Warren - Another guy who I totally fucked things up with as friends. What I learnt from him was to give people the chance to explain themselves and not to jump to my own conclusions as I always did in the past. When I actually gave him chance to explain what really happned I felt crappy. Although it doesn't make up for what he did I still felt crap for not giving him time to explain.

Dion - Where do I begin with Dion? I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. What Dion taught me was never to put much faith in one thing because it only leads to dissappointment.

This is just SOME of the lessons that I learnt from these men. This is most certainly not the only lessons I learnt from them but it was most definately the hardest lessons to learn and that is why I mentioned them in this blog.

Love in this club...

I found a song online and I listened to the song because it had a different beat and all that. When I eventually got over the beat I started listening to the lyrics... My GAWD those lyrics are quite raunchy for a song...

I’m what you want, I’m what you need. He got you trapped, I’ll set you free. Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me. It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries. And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me. About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R. Pulled up like a trap star,. That's if you have yo regular car. You wanna make love to a thug in the club. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go make love in this club.

Who writes this stuff. The amazing this is that this actually happens in the clubs where I have been to. I haven't done it and I don't intend on doing so but ya. I have seen it...

I'm Fine.....

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror. No stress through the night, at this time in my life and I ain't worried about if you feel it because I got my head on straight, I got my mind right. I aint gonna let you kill it because you see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine.

Something about nothing....

Let me tell you something about nothing.............................

Can you tell me what makes you happy? Seeing your dog wave his/her tail when she sees you for the first time each morning. Maybe it's that first cigarette in the morning. Could be a cup of coffee on a cold winters morning. The answers are endless. You must just find what makes you happy. Really not that hard to find out. I used to love to read but I have read most of the interesting books out there.

What boggles me is this.... Why did it take me so long to be happy? 20 years of my life I searched for my happiness with other people instead of just looking inside myself....

I'm the only one that can make me happy - no one else. Everyone just adds to me being a happy person. I am in contact with at least 200 people during the day. Whether it's now a client, employees, family, friends, facebook friends, gaydar, SMS, MXit, MSN, Skype, phone calls... Do these people I am in contact with everyday contribute to my mood.... Hell yes they do...

I think I am becoming more of a people person. God only knows if this is a good or bad thing...

Truth is there is more than what you can see

..... and out with the anger

I couldn´t give a damn what you said to me. I don't really care what you think of me. Because either way you're going to think what you believe. There's nothing you could say that would hurt me. I'm better off without you anyway. I thought it would be hard but I'm ok. I don't need you if you're gonna be that way. Because with me, it's all or nothing. I'm sick of this shit, don't deny. You're a waste of time. I'm sick of this shit, don't ask why. I hate you now, so go away from me. You're gone, so longI can do better.

I just wanna scream and lose control. Throw my hands up and let it go. Forget about everything and runaway. I just wanna fall and lose myself. Laughing so hard it hurts like hell. Forget about everything and runaway yeah.

I got to just freak out, let it go and I'm gonna live my life because I can't ever run and hide, I won't compromise because I'll never know. I'm gonna close my eyes! I can't watch the time go by and I won't keep it inside.

My friends tried to tell me all along that you weren't the right one for me. My friends tried to tell me to be strong, I bet you didn't think that I would see. The letter that you wrote with that stupid little notes. Something wasn't quite right about it! I wanna see you cry! Like I did a thousand times! Now you're losing me you're losing me now!!!

*and breathe*

.... and the past comes to bite me in the ass

Am I being tested today? Is temptation lurking in the background and trying to make me fall off this narrow bridge I am on?

Hell yeah!

People from my past are all of a sudden reappearing and trying to find some way to get back in. Just when I finally forgot about them they just reappear out of thin air and make their prescence felt. Should I give them another chance? A part of me says yes but then another part tell me to think about what they have done.. I also thought about it and has any good come out of getting involved with these people and no. No good has come out of hanging with these people.. Will I give them another chance? Only time will tell...

So happy today... Don't ask me why. I am always this morbid person but since Saturday I found that I am unbelievably happy. The people you surround yourself with reflects who you are going to end up being. I intend on surrounding myself with people who will bring out the positive in me and not just the negative. It's good being naughty every once in a while BUT everything in moderation.

Nothing can bring me down baby! Not today! Not ever!

Cubana - Saturday

Pics from Cubana on Saturday.................. Not goint to say alot... As they say. A picture speaks a thousand words.....

Lisa, Ayesha and Rihana... My three favourite woman in the world (my faghags) ......
Me... Can't remember what I was thinking when this picture was taken.... O ya... I do... Who's the hotty taking the picture... Love you Ayesha...

I'm NOT sleeping... Just recovering from what they call Tequila....

And there you go... Caught in the act... Me after taking a tequila shot

Watcha looking at?

The other developers................ Louis' a cool guy....

I'm so fucked............

Picking up the pieces.......

You may break me, you may tear me apart, you can say what you want to me but just know one thing. What you do to me reflects who you are as a person. Someone is going to hurt you alot more than you hurt me.

You may fuck me over. Like they say... "Fuck me once - shame on me, Fuck me twice - shame on you". Wait till life starts to fuck with you... Hope you can handle it.

You may take me for a ride but when life takes you for a ride just remember to put on the safety belt because you will be in for one heck of a ride...

Go take some other sucker for a ride because your done with me. Just let me live in peace and pick up the pieces while I rediscover who I really am.

Took me a while to realise this but being single isn't that bad. For too long I let my happiness depend on other people. I kinda lost myself in the whole process but that is about to change. If I can't make myself happy then I will never be happy.

Today is a new day with new challenges... This day is what I make of it... Will it be a success? HELL YES!

If Your Gonna'

I got a short attention span
Can't sit around couch potato land
I wanna do all kinds of stuff
Talking about it's not enough
I wanna go to the extreme
I wanna stretch my limousine
I wanna take it way off road
Go where I'm not supposed to go

Life is music, play it louder

If you're gonna jump, then jump far, fly like a sky diver
If you're gonna be a singer, then u better be a rockstar
If you're gonna be a driver, then u better drive a race car
Cause I'm looking for a guard dog, not buying a chihuahua

I like my food with chili in
I like to laugh til its hurtin
I wanna stare fear in the face
I wanna take it all the way

If you're gonna jump, then jump far,
Just skip the umm and ahh,
If you're gonna hit the high notes, you gotta be a diva
If you're gonna play a guitar, you gotta play til you blister
Cause I'm looking for a guard dog not buying a chihuahua

No half-baked apples for my tea
It's hot or cold no in between

My Declaration of Independence

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
Cause I'm happy where I am
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
I don't need to be anyone's baby
Is that so hard to understand?
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in reascendant

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
I like who I am
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cause I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cause you say I should
Can't romance on demand
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
And I like it this way

Make your move or don't
You either got it or you don't
Until then I'm single

.... they brought me to you

Just took a break from working and when I switched on the TV and The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants were playing. I know I am a guy and all that but that is one of the most realistic and emotionally satisfying movies that I have ever seen.

I have never cried so much during one movie like I did in that movie. I can relate to alot if not all the things that happen in that movie. A part in the movies that really hit me was the part where the one girl sits next to the one little girl that has lukeumia and tells her that the pants must work their magic. The little girls then looks at the girl sitting next to her and says: "They have worked their magic. They brought you to me..."

When that little girl said that I cried my little heart out... I am a very hard and emotionless person at times but when I do break down and cry you must know that either something is very wrong or something like that which happened in the movie happned to me.

I'm actually a big softie. I just have a hard and serious exterior. Deep down inside I am ordinary. Not the strong person with the big mouth that I pretend to be. In all honesty. I am such a shy person it's not even a joke. Over the phone and on MSN I have a big mouth and all that because the person I'm chatting to is not infront of me. But let me tell you this. Should that person be infront of me I would most probably only be sitting with a "bek vol tande".

I worry too much about what people think. I tend to be someone which everyone will like. At the end of the day you can't please everyone. That's why I will be myself from now. If you like me - good. If you don't - 2 words (fuck off).

I'm done pleasing people and being what they want me to be. I'm done with people taking advantage of me. From now on I'm going to be me.

Who am I?
Well I am Francois Botha. Born in Bloemfontein on the 4th of July 1987. Grew up in Cape town. I went to primary and high school in Bellville. Studied Information Systems: Software Development and I am currently working for a company in Rondebosch.

What makes me, me?
What makes me, me or what makes me tick is that I don't sit back and let life happen to me. I make life happen. I am a go-getter. Always want to learn new things. Meet new people. Explore the city (been highly unsuccessful thus far)... I have a unique sense of humour. To give you an idea of how unique my sense of humour is... Only 3 people get what I say when I make a joke.

What makes me different from the rest?
My ability to sum a person up in 5 minutes and know exactly what their intentions are with me.
I listen to people. I love to debate. If I believe something is right I will argue and try to get that point across by any means. I have a strong personality which often makes me clash with people at the office, house and in my personal life. I do what I want and don't like people telling me what to do.

Biggest regret/s in life?
1) Staying in a relationship even though it made me depressed
2) Studying what I studied.
3) Not listening to people
4) Being selfish
5) Not trusting people enough

Tips for future Mr Potential:
1) Be yourself
2) Be honest
3) Treat me with respect and you shall receive the same

That is the only requests from me...

Goals for this year and the future?
1) To get a degree in something other than IT
2) To re-discover who I am
3) To put myself first
4) Try and get out of Cape Town... Even if it is for a week..
5) Be happy
6) Be more considerate of other people

________________________________________________

Should you have any other questions that you would like me to answer the please forward them to me: botha.francois618@live.com