Rebuilding ...

Laying in bed and a friend motivated me to start blogging again because lets face it - I have neglected my blog for the past six months. I don't have a reason for doing this except that I had to sort out my life and to an extent (a large one) I still am sorting out my life. I don't know why I stopped blogging because writing for me is like therapy. My blog is my outlet for all the things that I am feeling.

Right now I am thinking that my life is crumbling apart when in reality my life is probably just a mess and I have to sort it out. Long discussions last night had me thinking (and a lot of you reading this will say that why did it take me so long to realize this) and I am responsible for the way I feel. My depression isn't caused by other people but rather by myself.

I have an ex who I love dearly (we all have that someone who will always classify as "the one that got away") and last night I went to visit his parents and after lots of discussions I started to realize that the main reason our relationship fell apart was because of three simple reasons which is so small but when looking back they were actually so big.

There was no communication so neither one knew much about the other one's past and this just caused us to assume that the other one was full of shit.

We were both stubborn as hell and both had extremely strong personalities. Age wise and career wise we were at the same level. Now with him being 27 at the time and me being 21 and both of us earning almost the same contributed to a lot of issues in the relationship itself.

The main reason itself which I would say the relationship fell apart and the thing happened the way they did was because when we were together I was in Cape Town and he was in Johannesburg and we only saw each other every third week of the month which is not enough for ANY relationship to survive on because doubt is placed in your head.

I left his parents place thinking WHAT IF I were to give him another chance. What if he changed his ways and what if we could start over? Would things be different? Would it work?

I went out with this one guy for over a month and when things started to get serious I started to realize things that just had a lot of similarities to the one I was in with Shaun. Naturally this scared the living shit out of me and I probably did the most stupid thing that I could ever do - I rebuilt all those walls around me and shut the guy out - DON'T GET ME WRONG - I love this guy more than I could ever say but right now at this place and time I am not able to commit to him which is sad and to an extend breaking me up inside because he is really a nice guy.

I've become a recluse to an extend - hiding away in my shell and avoiding contact with the outside world. The reason for this is that I have trouble dealing with things and that is why I hide away in my shell.

Johannesburg is fun and in the 4 months that I have been here I have discovered so much about myself that 21 years in Cape Town amounts to the four months that I have been here in Johannesburg. Like I said - Johannesburg is fun - BUT it's also hectic and fast paced and if you don't have a clear head you can get lost so easily.

I'm going to Cape Town next weekend for a while and hopefully by the time I return to Johannesburg I will have a clear view on everything and be able to start fresh.

An Inconvenient Truth...

- we have to learn certain things and lose certain people before we really understand what impact they had in our lives.

- be honest - if you feel something - then say it and say it to the person that it was meant for.

- don't be afraid - aim high, go big and NEVER settle for second best.

- when you get a second chance - EMBRACE it and make the most out of it.

- when you love, love like you have never loved before.

Old VS New

Once again lying on my bed with nothing to do I begin to think; thinking of the person I was and the person I have become.

Where do I even begin to start? How much have I really changed as person? I don’t know but for me, as I am lying here it feels like I have done a complete 180 from the person that I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. The breakup has consumed me and turned me into this monster. I have built these walls around me that I don’t know where or when I built them. To protect myself, to keep everyone out, to not get emotionally attached to anyone because honestly, this year was one fucked up year that I do not wish to revisit;

A shitty start to the year:

I started the year single, alone and I wouldn’t say I was looking for a relationship but somehow I managed to walk myself into one; one that would ultimately start the change of who I was as person. Everything went peachy and fine up until the day I started doing drugs and my life started to spiral out of control, 99% of the time I would be so high on drugs that I can’t remember a thing. Went to work stoned, went home stoned and just basically was stoned most of the time for about 3 months (can’t really remember). 2 of my colleagues sat me down and had a open hearted chat with me about drugs and all the thing, and I will admit that I wasn’t really paying attention when they were speaking because guess what? I was stoned out of my mind. The time came where it was either sober up or lose my job. Needless to say and without elaborating too much – I sobered up and I’m clean now for the whole year.

The knight in shining armor… or not:

What would obviously amongst everyone that knows me be known as “the big heart ache” started just after I sobered up which was quite pleasant as I constantly (and still) battled depression which everyone who has ever done drugs is a bitch to cope with especially when you come of it. Met him through a friend and we instantly hit it off, we began chatting and he really crawled into my heart. I felt bad for the poor fella because he came out of a relationship where he was in a long distance relationship and the guy cheated on him and lied to him (please keep this in mind as you continue reading). We met, almost immediately entered the relationship and from there it was sunshine and roses… and a long distance relationship might I add.
R2000 a month later for 7-8 months and 2 weeks a month later and the story is different – went from being sunshine and roses to fights every second day, one not trusting the other, and ignoring each other for weeks on end.

Through it all I believe we loved each other, fuck we were going to get married in the future but then one day came where a friend asked me the following; so how long have you been his friend? Shocked I replied with “I’m not his friend, I am his boyfriend”. This naturally shocked me so I asked his other friends who I thought knew we were together. Turns out that he told them all that he was single and that I was “a friend” and that he was single. Why he did this and why I was so stupid not to see this is beyond me but it all makes sense now. Needless to say I told him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be single anymore and that he is.

A week after it all ended I found out that while I was back in Cape Town he was sleeping with people.

Funny part is that I fell for the story of his ex cheating on him when they were in a long distance relationship when he did exactly the same to me…

Me…. Now…

Who am I now? What defines Francois as person now? What makes me stand out from the rest? Well for starters, in a lot of ways I’m a stronger individual. I am more confident in my skin i.e. I don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don’t like the fact that I am happy or the fact that I might come across strong then I have one sentence for you – step the fuck out of my life. I am me and I am not changing for anyone, not now and not ever again.

I care less these days – of course work is still first priority but when it comes to a lot of things out of work and in my personal life I don’t care that much to be honest. I care about people; I do but right now at this point in my life I just don’t get attached anymore and refuse to put my heart on the line just for it to get broken again.

To sum up me as person now in a couple of words; happy, positive, enjoying life to the fullest, strong, fighting back.

The Future?

Who knows what the future will hold? Good things! Like Britney said “I’m fighting back like a karate kid”. I have the perfect opportunity to start a new chapter in my life next year and I’m going to take full advantage of it and live each second like it’s my last – no more thinking about stuff that could have been or stuff that could be. Live for now and seize the moment – CARPE DIEM

The Greatest

Thought I was standing tall. I thought I seen it all but baby I was wrong because you're the greatest. I'd walk a thousand miles but nothing's what I found, until you came around because you're the greatest.

Search high and low for love, just to find out, that it was here all along, and I know it, but I wanted it - I should've been chasing you.

And I was reaching for the stars and I didn't have to look so far because love's where you are but I didn't have a clue and now I realize that the stars are in your eyes because you always shine.

Thought everything had changed until the day you came and took away the pain. Baby you're the greatest and I always wore a frown. I never use to smile until you showed me how.

Reaching for the stars then I bumped into you and I cannot believe I was searching so long. All that I need is to look into your eyes.

Dear *****

I find myself in a situation I could have stayed out of. Don’t know how to explain but will try my best.

I am a firm believer that people come in to your life at a certain time, do what they need to and then they go out of your life. Sure this sounds harsh and can be debated for a couple of years but this is just what I feel and my seeing of all of this.

In a matter of hours, not days and not years, but hours you being the amazing person that you are climbed into my heart and I don’t know what to do.

I’m kind of freaking out here because this is not something that either of us planned and like I said we didn’t plan this and can’t even begin to think of the consequences it would have on our lives.

I can tell you how I feel at the moment and like you said last night, it makes you feel like a young school child with their first crush. We both feel something for the other one, what we feel for each other can’t be explained but it’s something special.

My brain is all over the place today, I’m thinking about you, can’t stop thinking about you and your like running around in my mind, not that I’m complaining. I’m weighing all the wrongs against the rights and the rights outweigh the wrongs by far.

I feel like that girl from Grey’s where she waits for her Mc Dreamy to choose between his wife and her and she walks up to him and tells him “pick me, I can’t tell you why you must pick me but pick me; pick me”

I don’t know what to say because my brain is just filled with all these things and I don’t know what to say or even how to put it into words so I will just quote from my favorite movie:

“See… I thought I got you figured out, long before I knew you, before I knew myself and I still can’t think of a logical reason of why we should be together but that is the reason I want to try ***** because the last time I listened to logic I built an empty castle. This is how I know ***** that I fell for you, hard, and I don’t want to get up without you.”

Again I sit speechless as I type this for you, will you read what I type here? I don’t know but ya, just the thought of you make my heart beat faster, fill my stomach with butterflies and just makes me extremely happy, something that has been escaping me over the past 3 weeks or even longer...

This doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the feelings that’s running through my body and my veins at the moment. I like you, a lot, and I can just hope that you feel the same way and that something comes from this…

Shattered Glass

As a close friend of mine would say “hmmmmm”…. This is what I am stuck with – thoughts of what to write about. I know what I want to say but putting it into words is just so damn difficult. What I want to write about is the past three weeks of my life, which in my opinion has been the hardest of my life and of this year…

Things I feel at this moment can only be described as empty and alone. I have a lot of friends and I have people that care for me but at the end of the day I still feel lonely – lonely because of what happened three weeks ago, lonely because I invested so much into one person, only to find out that it was all a lie. A whole year of my life WASTED, down the drain and I can’t get it back, not one second of it – it’s all lost now.

My friends and his friends warned me to stay away from him because he sounded like trouble and by the looks of it everyone was right. I sit and wonder why you did what you did, were it because your ex was a whore and you wanted someone to really love you like you did him and then break their heart into a million little pieces like you did with mine. One of your best friends called you a whore, not me, one of your friends which make me wonder what you did when I was in Cape Town.

I can’t seem to get you out of my system and I have tried everything that I can think of, be it alcohol, pills you name it. When I wake up, your still there in my heart, like cancer, eating away on my insides. I’m reminded of you every day, be it by your name or surname, or even someone that looks like you do. You haunt me like a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from, your face burnt into my mind like a tattoo on a piece of skin that you want removed but you can’t because it’s permanent. I just want it to end because I can’t anymore. I’m hanging by a thread and I can’t anymore.

I have a mother, like most of us do and although she is a great mother and I love her dearly but things hasn’t quite been the same since she found out I was gay (April this year). Although she says she accepts who I am I know that she doesn’t understand, accept of want me to be gay. Unfortunately for her and for all the gay haters out there. I’m gay, I’m proud of it and who I am as gay individual. Telling your child, the one you apparently love so much that he has made a fuck-up of his life and that you’re not proud of him will not make you the better person and make him love you more. It will drive him further away from you, further than he has over the past year.

Work wise I am at a peak – my peak? No I wouldn’t say so but I’m basically as far up that corporate ladder as I could possibly go. Can I go further? I could probably but working for a man that thinks he is the best and thinks that he is right and your wrong makes matters worse. You work your ass off every single day and you get told that he “can’t see what you’re doing”. It doesn’t make you feel good nor does it make you feel like you want to stay there. We probably have the highest staff turnover in all of South Africa and he still lives with this picture in his head that everyone is replaceable when they truly are not.

People don’t understand what it is to be gay or what it even means to be gay. In my opinion it’s on big misconception that gays are evil and all that kak. It makes me so angry to type about this but there is a girl I work with and me and her debate almost every day about religion and homosexuals. According to her all gay people are going to hell. My arguing point is this. Where in the bible does it say that man-on-man is evil? No where! Just because it says a man must love his wife DOES NOT make it “wrong” for men or even woman to love each other.

Depression is one evil mother fucker I battle with every single day of my life and as I am laying here typing this I am fighting it with every last inch of energy that I have left in my body. One day I will conquer everything I was done to over the past 21 years but first I need to accept myself and find peace within myself until I can move on with my life and actually start living it.

Hating Myself...

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.

Had Enough... No Really I Have Had Enough

I sit here and listening to music whilst at work and once again I find myself looking for words to type and a shit load of thoughts just rush to my head - all at once and do I know where to even start with it all? No, in all honesty I don't.

Let's start with how I feel - NUMB/DEAD is the two words that could possible begin to describe how I currently feel. Empty shell with nothing inside. Finding out that the past seven months of your life was one big lie is not something that one deals with easliy especially if you have invested so much in something that was a LIE!!!!

I quote from my favourite song at the moment:

Milk it for all it's worth, make sure you get there first

The apple of your eye, the rotten core inside

You had to have it all, well have you had enough ?

You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve

When all is said and done, I will be the one 

To leave you in your misery and hate what you've become

I dont know what to say in all fucking honesty I just need a place where I can vent and say whatever the fuck I want to help me cope with this and what I am going through because I am hurting so fucking bad that I just want to give up.

You took fucking every last piece of me. I gave you my all and you want to turn around and pretend like nothing happned and like I never existed in your life. Thank you for breaking me into a million little pieces and then walking away like I never meant a fuck to you.

To put the cherry on top of the cake - ALL your friends warned me against you and even went as far as to say that you will hurt me. Did I listen to any of them? No I did not and who got hurt? You? Fuck no!!! Me, you greedy bastard!!!

You take and you take - well guess the fuck what? I have nothing left - NOTHING! I'm not even sure I will ever be able to commit to a relationship again in my life. Because I want to? NO! But because of what you did to me!

All I can say is that Karma is a bitch and when she decides to start working you are going to be so hurt and I am not one to spread bad Karma but I hope someone you love hurts you and breaks your fucking heart into a million little pieces - like you did mine.

I don't know if what you did to me is a direct reflection of what your ex did to you but let me just say if it is then it doesn't say much about you as person, you greedy bastard!!!

I don't know what the fuck I will do when I see you again. All I can say is that I hope and pray that God will fill me with calm that I do not smash your fucking face into the wall you piece of shit!

I finish off by saying the following which is probably the most saddest part.

Even though you broke my heart into a million pieces, I still love you with every last piece...

Broken Hearted Boy

You're everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have been, but still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that? You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times when I hate you because I can't erase the times that you hurt me and put tears on my face and even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say that I know I'll be there at the end of the day.

There's something that I feel I need to say but up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still I wanna put this out.

You say you've got the most respect for me but, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart but you're the only one and yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain because I've been afraid that you would walk away. Oh, but now I don't hate you and I'm happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day.

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be. I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away without you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted boy

As I lay here on the bed I have a thousand thoughts running through my head and I just wish there was a way of getting it out of my head. My world feels like it's falling apart but I assume that's normal under these circumstances.

What I feel at this moment is hurt, pain, heart ache and so much more, not physical pain and hurt but rather emotional. I don't know who or what I have become; I don't even think I know myself anymore. All these walls that I broke down to show the real me and what I am capable of I will be rebuilding on my own, one step at a time, not because I want to but rather because I have to protect myself from getting hurt any further.

I didn't ask for constant attention 24/7, nor did I ask for a lot. All I wanted was to be noticed, made feel like I was wanted but even that was too much to ask. What we've become is not how I pictured us to be.

We've become so content on making each other jealous and trying to be better than the other one that we forgot that our relationship was falling apart and that we were drifting apart from each other. When the time came to save what was left, there was nothing that could be saved because we have already lost each other.

One just has to let go of the past to make a better future.

Lost little boy is what I am because unlike you, I will have to pick up the pieces, one by one...

When I Found You

I believe we all have one true love. Somewhere in this world, I do. When it seemed all my dreams were falling through, that’s when I found you.

I believe for every heart that whispers in the dark there’s a ray of light somewhere, shining through . It was sink or swim when the tide came in and I found myself .

When I found you I found the closest thing to heaven. Yes, in you I found the deepest love I know. I believe, yes, its true, I found myself when I found you

I believe for every door that’s closing for every heartbreak there’s hope for something new.
From the ashes rise a glimpse of paradise. Yes it flickered in your eyes. How life unfolds no one knows. I thought a love was just tingling of the skin. I felt so alone, all alone more then you could ever know. We share deeper love, sweeter love that no one will ever be able to take away.

Don't Give Up

The heart is stronger than you think, it’s like it can go through anything and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though. Sometimes you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on.

Who are we to be..questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up…

Crush

I hung up the phone tonight, and something happened for the first time deep inside. It was a rush, what a rush? Beause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me. It's just too much, just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you. You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized, and I've just got to know. Do you ever think when you're all alone. All that we can be, where this thing can go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you? Are you holding back like the way I do? because I'm trying and trying to walk away. But I know this crush ain't going away.

The Weakness In Me

I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you I
gave my affection right from the start. If I have a lover who loves me how
could I break such a heart, you can still get my attention right from the start.

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough? Why do you
call me when you know I cant answer the phone? You make me lie when I
dont want to and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool. You
make me stay when I should not. Are you so strong or is the weakness
in me?

Hush

I never needed you to be strong, I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs, I never needed pain, I never needed strain, my love for you was strong enough, you should have known I never needed you for judgements.

I never needed you to question what I spent. I never asked for help, I take care of myself. I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me... conversations... There isn't anything for you to say and my eyes - look at me and listen to me because I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word - hush. There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer. I don't want you, there's nothing left to say.

I never needed your corrections on everything from how I act to what I say. I never needed words, I never needed hurt and I never needed you to be there every day.

Another day without you with me is like a blade that cuts right through me, but I can wait
I can wait forever. When you call my heart stops beating. When you're gone it won't stop bleeding. I can wait forever.

When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away, so I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away and I can't lie. Every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

It's like every time I turn around I see your face the thing I miss the most is waking up next to you. When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay and I can't lie but every time I leave my heart turns gray and I want to come back home to see your face.

I know it feels like forever. I guess that's just the price I got to pay. But when I come back home to feel your touch. Makes it better...

Can't find words to say yet I keep on speaking

So I sit here - nothing, absolutaley nothing is going through my mind. So numb already, find myself feeling numb and dispondant a lot lately but don't know why.

Wondering what is going on with me lately - kind of don't know who I am anymore. Everyone wants a piece but I can only give so much.

Here I Sit...

So here I sit in my room, stretched out on my bed with my laptop laying infront of me as I type this blog. It's cold outside and raining. Had such a beautiful day yesterday and to wake up this morning and hear that it's raining outside is not a nice feeling. I wonder if Summer will ever come to Cape Town?

I had so much time on my hands this weekend to just think about everything and take everything in consideration and put most of what I call my "life" into perspective. What have I done? Created order? Made sence of everything? All in all I just feel like I confused the living shit out of myself this weekend. Nothing in this world is solid and signed in ink as garuantee that it will happen.

I turn on my back and try to look deep inside myself to find some words to type as I am quickly running out of words... The only thing that keeps crossing my mind is the following... How much have I changed in the past year? If there is one thing I can say it is that I'm getting control of my depression. I'm more understanding of people and what people have to say where as in the past I would just tell them to fuck off and not bother what they have to say.

My group of friends are split into two groups. Those who like what or shall I say who I have become, and those who hate the person I have become... Those who prefer me being depressed and those who like to see me happy... Those who prefer me with no self confidence and those who like my new found self confidence... Those who like it when I allow people to walk over me and those who like it when I stand up for myself... Those who like seeing me when I fall to the ground and those who help me up from the ground...

I have reached a stage in my life where I prioritize everything and I mean EVERYTHING! If your worth it then I will fight for you, otherwise you can take the high road which means your not worth an ounce of my energy...

Do I like the person I have become? I don't know yet. I really wish I could tell you but I can't. It's all too new for me. Too long I have sat in the corner and let life pass me by... Not anymore... I'm living my life and not letting my life live me...

When My Time Comes

I dreamt I was missing and you were so scared, but no one would listen because no one else cared. After my dreaming I woke with this fear - What am I leaving? When I'm done here? So if you're asking me I want you to know the following.

When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory.

Don't be afraid. I've taken my beating. I've shared what I've made. I'm strong on the surface but not all the way through. I've never been perfect.